Today was a good day.

Sometimes I have to say it out loud.  What I am beginning to realize is it is OK to have a good day.
When I look back on the last nine years, often I go through the 30,000+ pictures I have on my laptop. I look at pictures from early 2009.  My memories of "after Melissa" are foggy.  I remember crying.  Every day.  For a couple of years.  But when I look at the pictures, I see smiles.  On ME.  It's not what I remember.

Somehow, we found a way to survive each day.  And to convince everyone around us we were ok.  LOTS of good things have happened in the last nine years.  A scholarship in Melissa's name, Breast Cancer Fundraisers, but most importantly, friendships.  Old friendships that made it through the most difficult of tests...how to deal with a bereaved parent.  There is nothing you can say or do to fix us.  Just being there and letting us grieve any way that gets us through each day...but still being there.  We were blessed with friends that hung in with us....and still do.

But just as important are the new friendships we've made.  And old friendships rekindled.  Donny's teammate from Wilmington and his wife, who lost their daughter two years after Melissa passed away - Mange and Mary.  I like to believe we helped each other on the hardest of days - with the exception of vacation planning.  Mary did most (all) of that.  We'd never been on a cruise before we met them.  After Melissa died, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to to anything "fun" again.  Didn't seem right.  I found out that not only can we have good days, but we could have fun again too.  And it was OK.

We met Randi and Carolyn through Compassionate Friends and are so much alike that it's hard to believe we've only been friends for a little over six years. (Their son Sam was in the service and was killed in Baghdad.)  They don't live close by, but we get together as much as we can.  And we laugh.  AND we cry.

I met a Katrina and her mom at the Compassionate Friends National Conference in Orlando this past summer - sitting by the pool.   Her brother died six weeks before the conference.  And she lives in the Dayton area.  We just got together last week.

I am posting today because of a new friend.   I know for sure Melissa had a hand in this.

A couple of years ago I talked to the UD Women's Basketball team about Breast Cancer and about Melissa.  Shauna Greene was an assistant coach then, and is currently the Head Coach.  I ran into her at a Fairmont game last year, re-introduced myself.  She asked me if I would talk to the team again before their Breast Cancer game.  OF COURSE.  I LOVE to talk about Melissa and share information on breast cancer awareness.

Not long after that, Tom Archdeacon wrote an article in the Dayton Daily News about one of the players on the women's team, JaVonna Layfield.  It was about her friendship with Steve McElvene. Steve played on the UD Men's team.  He passed away suddenly the summer before of a heart ailment.  Similar to my brother Steve.  The article talked about their friendship, and after just re-reading the article - how determined she was to go on...to live life to the fullest.

I guess what I saw in the article when I read it THEN (which was almost exactly a year ago - 1/21/17)
was someone hurting.

This is Melissa's connection:  Some of you might remember the story of when Melissa lost her son JP.  The day after she lost him was a Monday.  John had to go to work, Donny went to work, and I was planning the funeral.  She was home alone and decided to go to the local Catholic church.  She sat in the back of church and cried through the entire mass.  When mass was over, the few people that were there all passed her by without saying anything....then the priest walked passed her and turned out the lights in the church.  She later wrote (I think in a blog post) that she would have received more compassion at the local pub.

The point is, if someone is hurting, the absolute LEAST we can do is reach out.  Maybe those people in the church weren't sure WHAT to do, so they did nothing.  (not so sure about the priest????)  If you at least reach out, they know that someone cares.    If they turn you away, at least you tried.

So, back to JaVonna.  The story brought back memories of MY brother Steve, who died of the same thing.  I remember how I felt.  And after Melissa passed away, I knew how much it helped me to talk to someone who truly understood.    So I sent her note - through the head coach.  I don't remember exactly what it said, but I ended it with "if you ever want to talk, or have coffee..." and I gave her my home and cell numbers.

I didn't expect to hear anything, but had to follow my daughters advice.  REACH OUT.  It can't hurt and maybe you might help.  You have to at least try.  So I did.

Fast forward to October 2017 (three months ago).  I received a text message...from JaVonna!  It was a pretty long text, about " Coach gave us an assignment to write a letter to someone who we do not talk to everyday (maybe years) but has been some sort of Inspiration to us..."
Wow.  Don't think THAT has ever happened to me before.  I know it hasn't...
Pretty much brought me to tears.

We communicated a little more, and I finally said "my offer still stands.  I would love to take you to lunch sometime..."

We met the next day.  Had a very nice conversation, got to know each other a little better.  She is an AMAZING young woman.  Will be graduating with honors from UD in May and know exactly what she wants in life.

I've told her a few times that she reminds me of Melissa.  On the court, JaVonna is a basketball machine.  Melissa was good, but she was a better rugby player!  Melissa and JaVonna were (are?) alike on the bench- funny as that sounds.  She's not there often - but if she's not hurt - she's cutting up and laughing and just having fun.  That was Melissa.

Melissa (eventually) knew what she wanted in life too.  They have the same outlook on life too.  Both very caring about others.  I've only talked to JaVonna a couple of times - last time for three hours, but she really made an impression on me.   She was talking about her great grandparents being in their late 80s last time we met.  Then I asked her how old her grandparents are (I shouldn't have asked!) - I could be her GRANDMOTHER!!!!  Her mom is Melissa's age.

But you know what, it didn't make a difference.  I like her.  And I feel like we are friends.  One of my best friends, Ruth, was 40 years older than me.  I love having friends that are older AND younger than me.  Keeps things in perspective.

The one thing I LOVE..she calls me Mrs. Fort.  I've told her she can call me Pam, but she told me once "that's the way I was raised"...I like that too.

And the other thing I love?  She wears her FORT bracelet when she's warming up - takes it off and one of the assistant coaches wears it for her during the game.  Shauna wears hers at every game too.

Melissa is on the court with them, and she would LOVE that.  Her mom sure does!

At the UD women's game with the boys!

JaVonna shooting foul shots (get a better picture from the scoreboard AND the score!)

After lunch 

The moral of this (story) post...REACH OUT.  Don't hesitate  or second guess yourself.  Make the phone call, send a note, take some food.    It might make a difference...and a new friend.

***
Love you miss you Melissa.

Nine Years Later

Nine years ago today, Fort was sleeping right now.  She slept a lot the last few days.  And she didn't want anyone to know that she was back at Hospice.

She was home until a couple of days past Christmas.  She WANTED to be home for Christmas.  So she was.  I think Christmas was Friday that year.  The Sunday following, Andrew was baptized.  Melissa was his Godmother.  But she was too sick to go.  So I stood in for her.  We didn't stay away too long, didn't want to be away from her for too long.

That night, Angie spent the night (because it was Sunday night, John had to go home because he had to work the next day).  I remember that night...she kept pulling the canula off, and she couldn't breathe without it.  Either Angie or I would get up and put it back on her.    We had to keep reminding her to take deep breaths.  It really didn't matter though.  She would be heading back to Hospice the next day.  Monday.

She got up that morning and wanted to take a shower.  We have a full bath (walk in shower) in the family room, but she was on oxygen and couldn't take the oxygen off long enough to take a shower. But she was determined.  She went into the bathroom and stripped. Naked.  She stood there begging me...but she couldn't do it without the oxygen.  Then she threw up.  She was standing above the toilet and threw up from a standing position.  Then she tried to clean up the mess...it was the hardest thing (to that point) that we'd been through.  All she wanted was a shower.  And I said NO.  I cleaned her up and the Hospice Nurse was there not long after.  She said Melissa had to go back to Hospice.
I still regret that day...the last thing she asked of me and I told her No.

When the ambulance came to pick her up, she told me and Angie to "keep it on the DL".  I think she knew...and she didn't want anyone to worry.

She slept a lot those last few days.

Pauly & Elizabeth came to visit to tell her that they were engaged (FINALLY)...she was SO happy.
She told them she would be at the wedding (and she was.  But that's another story).

John, his mom & dad, Nick, Mere, Andrew and me and Donny were there around the clock.  She had a few visitors that week.

New Years Eve, we were all asleep and she got up to go to the bathroom and she fell.  The nurse asked why she didn't ask for help.  "Everyone was sleeping.  I didn't want to wake anyone up."
She could do it herself.  That was the Theme of Her Childhood.  She told me that when she was in the hospital when I tried to help her with something.

You might wonder why I keep telling this story over and over (every year).  It's because I'm afraid I might forget something.  I don't want to forget.  Even the hard parts.

So I remember the nurse coming in the night before.  She told me I could lay with her.  John wasn't in the room at the time, but I didn't want to take John's place.  That was HIS place.  Not mine.

Friday night, Nick, Mere & Andrew came to visit.  She perked up anytime Andrew was around.  She did that night too.  When they left, Nick stood in the doorway (after he kissed her good-bye) and said "See you in the morning Fort".  She said "I love you Nick."  That was the last thing she said.
She fell asleep after they left.

I slept on one side of her bed, John was on the other.  I remember holding her hand, memorizing it...because I knew.

My dad stopped by that night to tell me that he was leaving for Florida in the morning.  I told him he couldn't leave.  It was going to be soon.  But he said "She's not going to die".  He was in denial.  So was Donny.

But that night, I tried to stay awake as long as I could.  I didn't want to miss one moment...and I wanted to remember EVERYTHING about her.  Her hands seemed so small....and I remember at one point, a tear rolled down her cheek.  I have always wondered...was she crying because she was leaving us, or was it tears of joy...she was seeing JP for the first time since HE left us.

Her breathing was getting labored around 3 a.m., around 4 everyone came in.  We were all awake, and waiting.

It was so peaceful when she took her last breath...that's all I remember.  John's dad looked at the clock...5:18 a.m.

We had a lot to decide in the next hour...which funeral home to call (because we had never talked about that - she wasn't GOING to die.  She was going back to work!)

I remember getting home that morning, around 7 a.m.  Diana and Angie walked in behind us.  They asked what they could do.  "Take the tree down."  And I vacuumed.  My daughter just died and I was vacuuming.

After that I slept.  My friend Shelly called my doctor to get something to help me sleep.  When Shelly got to the store, they were closed.  So she called my doctor back and she called something into another pharmacy.  Shelly picked it up and brought it to me.  I think I slept for the next 24 hours.

The next week was a whirlwind.    So many of our friends were there for us...and Melissa's friends.

I remember more about that week, the funeral, people who travelled from all over the country to be here.  Donny just found a list in the corner cupboard - a full page to write thank you's to.  Where people travelled from to be here.

We are forever grateful for the compassion and love we received then...and still are.

NINE YEARS LATER.

Here I am. Still crying.  I thought I had gotten to the point where I could retell the story without crying, but I can't.  At least ^ that part of the story.

The part I can retell are the memories...of her LIFE.  Not her death.  It's taken a long time, but as much as I miss her, I'd rather tell and HEAR stories of her LIFE.  (except on her anniversary...those memories come back pretty strong this time of year...)

So much has happened in nine years, and I can do so much more now than I could then, even four or five years ago.

I have almost 30,000 pictures on my laptop.  When I scroll through those pictures, I am amazed of everything that we've done in the last nine years.  I'm sure it's not any more than most people do in nine years, but nine years ago, I really thought I'd never want or be able to do much of anything ever again.  How wrong I was.

We were determined to keep her memory alive.  That was what got us going in the beginning.  With the help of lots of friends - we had a fundraiser to do the 60 mile walk again. (Red Carpet- you know who you are!) Then, Angie planted a seed about having a fundraiser for a Scholarship in Melissa's name.  The summer after she passed away, we started work on that.    I remember crying every day for the first two years...so how in the world did I manage to help plan an event for 500 people???
We were a lot alike, me and Melissa.  Give her a project, and she would run with it.  Hmmm...maybe she was like her mom?  But I know I got my strength from her.

In the last nine years, we've done some traveling too.  We made new friends through Compassionate Friends, and reconnected with old friends who now belong to the "Club No One Wants to Belong to".

Recently, we've gone out with some friends we haven't seen in awhile (oh, 8 years or so).  It's still hard during the holidays, but we did it. And it was ok.

I think the most important thing we've learned in the last nine years is that we are NOT ALONE.
Unfortunately.  The best thing we have done is to be there for others who are now walking this walk.
Believe it or not, we don't always know what to say when someone we know loses THEIR child.
But we don't hesitate to call.  There is nothing we can do to ease their pain.  But we call.

Tomorrow, nine years later, we are going to a basketball game.  Not feeling very social right now, but I know that I need to get out.  Do something, especially this time year.

And on Friday, Melissa's 40th Birthday, we'll celebrate her birthday at China Cottage.  It's tradition.
(Her last big birthday - 30th - we had a huge party at BW3.  We are thinking about having another celebration there, and making it a fundraiser.  Will let you know if that happens.)

We miss our beautiful daughter EVERY SINGLE DAY.

But we also realize how short this life can be.   We'll remember her by celebrating her life,
sharing her life, and enjoying life.

I'm still a work in progress.  I think Melissa would be ok with that.

Love you and miss you pretty girl.
My Melissa Marie.

Going to try to attach a video here.  She did it all the time, I've never tried it.  The quality  isn't great, but you can hear her voice...I need that STILL.  It's Melissa with Andrew...