Jacksonville ~ 2013

~*~  If you are reading this blog for the first time, please go to www.fortscancersux1.blogspot.com.  That this Part I of Melissa's blog.  B POSITIVE is Part II (this blog).  If you scroll down, the archives are on the right side of this page.  Melissa's last post was Christmas Eve, 2008, along with everything prior to that. (I have updated since then.)  This blog is STILL Melissa's.  I try to post what SHE would post...although I am not the writer she was.  I am just her mom who wants her legacy to live on...I hope you have lots of time...you'll love her writing.  And you'll be laughing out loud.  Enjoy.  ~*~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Handed out some cards in Jacksonville, and I want to make sure "new" readers read from the beginning...

Now, if Fort were posting this, she would know how to put a link on the right side and post all the pictures there (like the one of our 3day in Atlanta)...but I don't know how to do that. So it's going here.  This is going to be a little long, but it will mostly be pictures with captions...it's fun.  And Melissa would like it, I'm pretty sure.

So.  Where did I leave off...ah, yes.  The challenge from Jen.  Before I go on with Jen's challenges, I have to save that she NEVER twisted my arm, and I didn't always complete the challenge to her COMPLETE satisfaction.  As you will see by the pictures.  If you can figure them out.  

But before I go THERE, I need to start with the first day, after we registered.  We went to lunch at JOE'S is a FISH HOUSE, and got our first sign from Melissa (just like last time...only then, it was Viva La Vida at the bar when we were toasting her!)...

         (when Melissa was little, I used to tuck her in and say "Good night, Pretty Girl!)

Oh, and it was Big Dog's Birthday (not).  So they sang to her...or they made HER dance.  And since Jen was so nice to let them know it was Big Dog's birthday, she got to join her...
                                          those are beaks and wings they are wearing...

                        Of course we had to make a visit to the beach on the FIRST day...
                        (this was right after we trained a little for Sunday...a REAL little. About 
                         a five minute walk down the beach....BRRRRRR.....

After lunch, we headed back to the hotel for naps, then happy hour..which we considered part of our training (we needed carbs, and doesn't beer have carbs???) Fort would like 
that too.

So that's when the challenges began, the first one being including myself in a group that didn't know ME, but had to convince them I knew THEM.  I'm not very good at that. But I did it. Kind of.

The next challenge, which was WAY to easy, was to go out into the ocean up to my knees.
In the dark.  In the VERY cold water.  (Ok, maybe I didn't walk in up to my knees...but the water SPLASHED up to my knees.  The waves were REALLY big and I didn't want to fall in!)

  I didn't get this guys name, but when I went up to the bar to buy a round of drinks, he asked about my shirt.   (If you can't tell, it has Melissa's picture from her 30th birthday on it)...I love when people ask about Melissa!  So I told him a group of us were in Jacksonville for the Breast Cancer Marathon, that my daughter died of breast cancer.  When I went back to the table, Jen gave me Challenge #3...Use your imagination on the next challenge...I did the best I could.  (and I'm not very good at THIS either...) Anyway, I told him I was "sitting on his lap" because my friend was going to make a donation to my daughter's scholarship fund if I did....

...this couple was sitting behind THAT guy.  They heard the story, and the next thing I know, this guy (and I am so sorry I didn't get his name!), came up to me, handed me a very generous amount of money and said "put this toward your daughter's scholarship fund"....WOW.  I hope they read the blog, because I want to say THANK YOU again! (Note...he and his wife were on a weekend getaway...and they are sporting FORT bracelets...)

Saturday night wasn't quite as busy...Sunday morning we were getting a 5 a.m. wake-up call!

So before we went to bed...everything had to be ready...after 37 years of marriage, you kind of start doing things alike.  Anal.  I know.

Didn't need the 5 a.m. wake up call.  We were both up every hour on the hour and around 4:45, the girl across the hall from us was running up and down the hall sobbing.  Have NO idea what was going on, another guy came out and asked if she was ok, and she went into her room and didn't see her again...

So in 1/2 an hour, we were ready.  Met Jen and Kary in lobby at 5:30, then off to pick up Big Dog...

and get a TEAM B POSITIVE team photo!

Kary, Pam, Donny, Jen, Michelle (Big Dog)...um... note what Big Dog is wearing.

Back of Team B Positive shirts...

So we get in the van and head to the start of the race.  The race is at 7.  We are leaving at 5:30.  

About 2 miles from the start, traffic is stopped.  Moving at about, well, a mile an hour.

Literally.  The race was SUPPOSED to start at 7, but was moved back an hour because of the traffic.

Another friend of Melissa's was already there with her girlfriend, and kept us informed on what was going on, and the weather.  It was 27 degrees.  They were waiting in the cold because the race was on hold because of traffic.  We were sitting in a VERY warm car.  At about 7, Jen said "Aw, darn. We missed the warm up aerobics..." and Donny said "that's ok.  It's just for the pretty girls..."  Whoops.

He will never live THAT down.  Jen said "So, are you calling us ugly?"  Then he said "I meant to say it's for the pretty and skinny girls..."  Not good.  "So.  We're ugly AND fat?"  She changed his name in the car that morning...I'll just give you his new initials.  F.F.  

So by the time we get in the parking lot, which probably holds, oh, 7,000 cars, we are at the back of the parking lot.  About a mile from the start.  We get there just in time for the start @ 8.  But we don't start til about 8:15, because we are at the back with the slow group.  And it's still 27 degrees.

we don't LOOK that cold.  Do we?

look a little colder?  Donny has four layers on.

This is Kary.  She didn't wear a jacket OR gloves.  So she went "street shopping".  All that stuff that runners shed in the first mile, she was picking up.  She got some pretty good stuff, but couldn't find matching gloves...at least they were the same color!  (See Big Dog to her left?  No jacket, no gloves, and SHORTS.  And it's 27 degrees.)

this is where we entered the beach.  It's called the "Memorial Mile".  One BEAUTIFUL mile on the beach...EXCEPT the wind chill factor was probably 10 degrees.  And the wind was blowing in our faces.  UGH.  (probably the reason I ended up with a sore throat and 102 fever!...but I had to SUCK IT UP and just do it!)

the Memorial Mile had the boards that were signed at the registration.  This is the one Donny signed...

(D. 410R 4 4T)

When Melissa and I did the 3 Day Walk in Atlanta (2007) she thought it would be fun to have a Scavenger Hunt...so we did one too.  Came up with a list the night before.  Jen, Kary & Big Dog won the Scavenger Hunt, and I don't have their photos yet, but here are a few things we were looking for...

a dog dressed in pink

                                                             the pink Firefighter

                                                       your picture with another team

                                                             a cross dresser in pink

we were also looking for a police officer in pink,  a participant drinking a beer (couldn't be anyone on our team, because that wouldn't be fair), someone with ANYTHING from OHIO on (OU, OSU)...Jen found all of them.  BUT, I found

triplet cowgirls

and the pink mohawk guy

AND the Dos Equis guy (on the porch, wearing a pink ribbon)...that should have been bonus points...

...and in the end...it was ALL worth it.  Donny, getting his FIRST medal for a marathon (half)!

for our DAUGHTER.  Melissa Marie.  This is for YOU.

Jen & Big Dog finish...

unfortunately, I didnt get Kary crossing the finish line...but she did.  

and waiting at the finish line?  Jen's mom, Tess, and a former rugby friend of Fort's who now lives in Jacksonville, "T" and her girlfriend Vic (who also ran the full marathon!)

         "T" was a spectator...looks like she's dressed for winter, doesn't it?

It was an amazing journey...cold...NO.  FRIGID.  But worth every step.  Donny said a few things in the car that won't be forgotten...but something he said during the marathon that hit home, and was the reason we did this.

Three little girls were sitting at the curb handing out water to participants.  As we passed by them, Donny looked at me and said (with tears in his eyes)..."maybe they won't ever get breast cancer..."

And THAT is why we do this.  So some day, there will be an END to breast cancer.  And no other parent(s) will have to watch their child die of cancer.  

***

ok...just a couple more photos and that's it.  Probably for awhile.

a friend of Jen's wore our team shirt in a Relay for Life to support FORT!

We stopped in Charleston on the way home and had some creative fun in a little gift shop.  

I couldn't resist...

Donny wanted SO badly to stop in Charleston, and I was SO sick.  So he walked and I got out of the car to take this picture...

And a post on this blog is NEVER complete without pics of Andrew & Max.

Fort would have it no other way.

Andrew & Pamma at his Pre-school Valentines Day party!

PopPop & Max at Pre-School

Hug your kids.  Love them every minute of every day...and have a good one!

DONNA Breast Cancer Marathon...AGAIN!

We are in Jacksonville for the third time for the Donna Breast Cancer Marathon.  This time, Donny is participating too...with me in the 1/2 marathon.  Today is registration day, so we are up early to get there before it gets really crowded.  In the past, there were up to 10,000 runners (or in our case, walkers).  We get our bib(#) and lots of free stuff.  It's a fun day...plus we get to meet a lot of people who are doing this for a reason too.  It's all about breast cancer.
I hope some day this disease is gone for good.  Maybe if a cure is found for breast cancer, it will help find a cure for other cancers.  That is my dream.

Just a little story about last night.  We are her with Jen (Smitty - one of Melissa's former rugby coaches), her mom and dad (our cheering squad), Michelle (Big Dog, who is doing the FULL marathon) and Di, and Kari (also doing the full) and Leslie.  After dinner, Jen, her mom and dad, me and Donny came back to the hotel bar.  Sat and told Fort stories and had a few drinks.  As we were sitting there, a group of people came in, obviously meeting friends/family they hadn't seen in awhile...there was lots of hugging and kissing and laughing...and then Jen put $50 on the table.

She said "If you go over to that table and start hugging people and acting like you know them, I'll put $50 in Melissa's Scholarship fund."  Donny immediately said "She won't do ANYTHING for $50!"

Ok, so I'm a little shy.  Plus I only had a couple of drinks, and it takes me awhile to build up the nerve to do something like that.   So as we were leaving, Jen pulls out the $50 AGAIN and says "Ok. That guy right there.  Go up to him and say "Hey Big Daddy, do you remember me?"  And I thought, what the hell, it's for Melissa.  She would be embarrassed, but she would laugh about it too.  So I did it.

This guy was a little shocked, I think, but then I heard coming from behind me..."Should I be upset about this?"  Obviously his wife.  Uh oh.  What was I thinking?  With so many people carrying guns these days, I could have been in BIG trouble.  But fortunately, it was a very nice group, and when we told them why we are in Jacksonville, and a little of Melissa's (FORT's) story, they were very understanding.  Including his wife.  Gave out some of her cards (and hopefully more readers of HER blog) and wishing I would have had some FORT bracelets with me.  I will bring them with me today and hopefully run into this group again.

(had to update...jen just sent me the photos that go with the story...it REALLY happened...)

Hug for "Big Daddy"...note his hands are at his side...and to the far left, Donny is watching!

Now Jen wants a kiss on the cheek...he doesn't seem TOO unhappy...not sure about his wife!

(all this for a contribution to Melissa's scholarship fund...and this is as far as I will go, except, well, for $200 I might try to get one of the Donna Marathon banners...next post might be from behind bars!

Which brings me to the reason I am posting today.  If you are a NEW reader to this blog, please go to www.fortscancersux1.blogspot.com (note the #1 at the end of fortscancersux)...that is the original blog that Melissa started when she had her first reoccurrence.  She was on chemo and got mouth sores and was getting a lot of phone calls from friends.  She didn't (couldn't without a lot of pain) want to talk on the phone, so she started the blog.  She closed down that blog when she was applying for jobs, 6 months before she passed away.  She did get a job (her DREAM job) at the University of Cincinnati as the Marketing and Promotions Coordinator for the Co-op Program.  After she got the job, she started Part II of the blog.  Her last post on that was Christmas Eve, 2008.  She passed away January 3, 2009, two days before her 31st birthday.  That is when I started updating...

You REALLY want to read what SHE wrote...you will laugh out loud.  She was in incredible writer and it is her legacy to us.  She titled the blog "B POSITIVE, It's not just my blood type"...that's how she lived her life on her journey with breast cancer.  Positive.  Every day.  She also always said "No matter how bad you have it, there is always someone who would love to be in your shoes"....she never felt sorry for herself, she continued to do what she always did...work, play rugby, volleyball and love life.

I miss her every single minute of every day...and will continue to tell her story and share her blog. I hope you enjoy it.

(just a note:  as you are reading, go to the archives down the right side of the blog - the most recent post is always what you will read first...to get to the beginning of the blog, you need go to the LAST date on the archives.

Gotta go...we're off to register!

In like a lamb...out like a lion

That is actually how MARCH is supposed to begin and end.  For us, it was January.

As much as I struggle from November until mid January, this year I actually was able to get some things accomplished.

Beginning the month, I chose to stay in my pj's all day on January 3rd and just remember Melissa ALL day.  Sue called me first thing in the morning just to say that she knew today would be hard, but she was there for me.  We talked for a little bit, and that would be the last time I would talk to her.  Ever.  If I had known, I would have talked a lot longer than I did.

Saturday, January 5th was Melissa's 35th birthday.  We celebrated just like we always did with her, lunch at China Cottage.  When we got home, we got a call from the Nelson's, good friends of ours.
Greg was just released from the hospital that day, and wanted to go out to dinner.  So we met them.
Then they wanted to go to the boys basketball game, so we did that too.  (hard to believe I could do THAT much on Melissa's birthday, but we did).  When I got home, I realized that I hadn't talked to Sue all day, and that was very unusual...because I talked to her EVERY day for the last four years.  But especially because it was Melissa's birthday.

Sunday, January 6 we had the annual balloon release for Melissa's birthday.  I thought Matthew & Jen were bringing Sue.  They thought she was coming with us.  When I got  a call from dad asking why no one called him on Saturday, not even Sue , who called HIM every day too, I was concerned...I tried calling her, then I checked her FB page and it looked like she had posted something. So I wasn't as worried, but went to check on her later that evening anyway.  Her lights were on but she wasn't answering her phone, so I thought she was sleeping.

When she didn't answer her phone all day the next day, after Nick picked up the boys Donny and I went over, found someone to let us in the building, then pounded on her door - the dog was barking and the tv was on and she didn't answer.  I called 911, texted Matthew (her son, who had just moved back from Pittsburgh the week before after 4 years).  He got there before the police did...and found a way to get into the apartment where we found her.    After January 3, 2009, the worst day of my life.

We decided on a Memorial for Sue.  A good friend of ours, Mark Franz, helped us get Greenmont
Hall...I called him and he met me that day to sign all the papers.

This the Greenmont Hall at Sue's Memorial Service.  It was a Celebration of her life.  Mark is in the red shirt - his best friend of 50 years, Rick Fortener (Donny's cousin) is next to him in the blue shirt.

A week after the memorial, we had plans to go to Berlin, Ohio (Amish Country) for a high school basketball tournament that the Fairmont girls were playing in...and we decided to go.  I needed to keep busy THIS time.  It was a good diversion.

Firebirds honor Fort...

she would LOVE this!

Got home from Berlin in time for a 90th birthday celebration for my good friend Ruth's husband Bruce. 

One of the better days in January...(Ruth passed away 2 years ago from breast cancer also).

End of the month...not so good.  Mark (our friend who helped us get the hall for Sue's Memorial), was having chest pains on the last day in January.  Drove himself to the emergency room where he was admitted.  Ended up have a quadruple bypass the following Wednesday.  Things did not go well and he passed away that evening.  

The day before his surgery, Mark was getting all his things in order...including his wishes in the event that things did not  go well.  He requested a celebration "like Sue's"....  his memorial was last night and it was an amazing tribute to his life...a TRUE Franz celebration, with great stories, laughter (and of course a few tears, which from what I heard from a member of his family, he said "too many tears at Sues' memorial"...) Hard not to shed tears for someone who touched your life...

This is Mark with his daughters, Kristi and Nikki.  They both played on our softball team last summer...the reason we won the league AND the tournament (they both went to college on softball scholarships - Nikki graduated last year, Kristi is still playing)...he was SO proud of his girls.

After our softball games, we would go to Angi's (a local bar that sponsors our team)...and he would have us laughing the entire time we were there.  He told the best stories.

Donny and I were talking about this - the fact that his girls FINALLY got to play on this team.

It has been together for probably 30 years - starting with Marks sisters, sister in laws, then his nieces...it is really a Franz family softball team.  About 30 years ago I was invited to play on the team and have been there ever since.  This is an AMAZING family.  Eleven kids.  The oldest, JEF, passed away several years ago.  Somehow, we have become a part of this family.  Melissa and John's first date was to Julie (Franz) and Kevin Cates wedding.  They were all at her and John's reception.  (Melissa always said we were "Franz wannabe's"...it was true.  They all helped out at Sue's Memorial.  We are so blessed to be part of that family.  

This is the Franz Women's team...nine of our players are Franz's. The rest are Franz wannabe's...

Mark will be missed...he was a generous, funny, caring man.

RIP Mark ~ you are loved and will be missed!

****

Despite the (for loss of a better word) crappiness of the month of January...I feel like I need to end with some smiles.  Melissa would have it no other way.

A "serious" family photo...or so I thought.  Andrew took this picture.

PopPop and Max bonding...with their tablets.

Working on a science project at Pamma's..."Will it sink, or will it float?"

Sisters.

Good times.

Pulled this one out of the archives...I took this photo on the beach in Provincetown (on Cape Cod)...

I'm guessing that these canoes are probably covered with snow right now...Provincetown is a beautiful place in the summer!

***

Sometimes I ask myself how am I going to get through another day....I am so tired of losing people that I love.  I don't know HOW I do it.  I just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and go.  

I miss Sue and her phone calls. EVERY day.  

I miss Melissa.  Every minute of every day.  But I know I will be with her again.  I have Donny, and Nick, and Andrew, Max and Meredith.  And my dad.  And my sister Donna. And a lot of great friends.  So until it is my turn, I'll work to find a little happiness in each day.  And remember not to sweat the small stuff...and in my life, pretty much EVERYTHING is small stuff. 

"NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU HAVE IT, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE IN YOUR SHOES."   ~Fort

It's what I live by.

SUE

....my new best friend.  Gone.
How does this happen?  Why am I asking this question again?????

My beautiful sister Sue passed away Saturday...Melissa's birthday.
She called me EVERY day for the last four years.  Always asked about ME.  Very seldom did she talk about herself...she was taking care of me.

I miss her phone calls every day.  I guess I am on my own now...except for Donny.  She knew how good Donny was and she told him several times lately..."I love that you are taking care of Pam."

I wish I could have done more for her....I wish she would have called me...

I miss her so much.  My life is forever changed... again.

Love you Sue.  RIP.

Happy 35th Birthday Melissa...

"There are some 

who bring a light so great to the world

that even after they have gone, 

the light remains."

~ unknown

Melissa Marie

Right now, Fort would be rolling her eyes.  Every year on my kids birthday, I tell the story of the day they were born.  I think it was mostly so I wouldn't forget...I figured some day they might actually like to hear the story.  Never got to that point with Melissa, sorry to say.  But just the thought of her rolling her eyes brings a smile to my face (and tears to my eyes)...

January 5, 1978.

5:30 a.m.  I wake up to mild contractions.  Plenty of time to get to the hospital.  It is an unusually warm winter morning.  I guess you could call it the calm before the storm.  No snow on the ground. Yet.  We are all packed (have been for awhile) ready to go.  Have a deck of cards, just in case this baby is going to take it's time (back in those days, they didn't do routine ultrasounds.  If you wanted to know what you were having, the doctor would make an educated guess based on the babies heart rate. ) We arrived at the hospital around 6 a.m.  Started me on pitosin  to get the contractions a little stronger.  Melissa Marie arrived at 1:19 p.m., during All My Children.  (Yep, even in 1978 we could watch tv in the delivery room, if you had a natural delivery...as opposed to a C section).  Insurance companies actually paid for a couple of extra days for the mom to recuperate.  In those couple of days, it started snowing. A couple of inches a day. By the time it was time to leave the hospital, there were several inches on the ground.  The day Donny (daddy) was to come to pick us up, our car wouldn't start (1974 Gremlin X)...so Uncle George (Kayser) came to the rescue.  He picked up Donny, then came to St. Elizabeth Hospital to pick Melissa and me up.  I sat in the front seat HOLDING Melissa.  No car seats in those days either.  Two weeks later, the Blizzard of '78 hit.  (This was a REAL blizzard, not  what we had here a week ago!)  Dayton was pretty much shut down for about three days.  But we made it through, with the help of friends with four wheel drives stopping by to check in to make sure we didn't need anything, which we did...were running low on formula and they took care of us.  That little girl went through a lot at the beginning of her life and at the end of her life...

What a treasure and a blessing we had.  For almost 31 years.  I was blessed that she called me mom...and my best friend too.  We will always celebrate her birthday...and I will continue to tell the story of the day she was born.  I don't know how to STOP telling it.  Bought her a card too.  Too hard to walk through the cards past the "Daughter" cards.  I can't do it.  So she still gets a card.

Later today we will have lunch at China Cottage, a tradition on her birthday.   Then, the Fairmont girls play at home (Alumni Day too) and we'll go there...that is exactly what we would do if she were here...she would be so proud of this team.  Especially that her cousin Lindsey is playing.  She watched her play when Lindsey was in grade school...she would be so proud of her.  

I can't believe we have celebrated four birthdays without her.  I still doesn't seem possible...fortunately we have multitudes of photos and videos and memories.   

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thought you might enjoy a few other photos I found of Fort ~

She was bound and determined to play basketball...

...not difficult to find a picture of her TALKING...she was one in this picture, walking AND talking!

and had to add a couple of photos from this Christmas ---

Nick acting silly ~ Fort is with him.  Do you see her? (over his head!)

Pamma & PopPop with Andrew & Max

Oh...and one interesting story to add.  Andrew and Max were painting at the dining room table. I was sitting in the living room reading.  All of a sudden Max looks at me and says "Pamma, do you hear Aunt Fort's music?"  The TV was off, there was no radio on.  I wish I knew what HE heard.  Is Fort talking to Max?  Wouldn't surprise me at all.  

She is with us.  I am SURE of that.

You will never be forgotten Melissa.  

We love you and miss you so much...

Happy Birthday pretty girl!

~*~

If there is ever a tomorrow

when we are not together...

there is something 

you must remember:

You are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is,

even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you.

~Winnie the Pooh

by A.A. Milne

4

Four years.

How can that be?  It was yesterday...wasn't it?

Each year on the anniversary, I reflect on the previous year.  Have I made progress?  Is the pain any less?  What can I do?  What can't I do?  What positive changes have I made to my life that will help me get through TODAY?

I can honestly say that, with the help of the Compassionate Friends, I have made progress.  Part of the reality of knowing you have made progress is helping others "new" in their grief.  When you can see the pain on their faces, hear the pain in their voices...when you have been there, you can feel it too.
At the beginning of the CF meetings, they say "if you see someone laughing or smiling, take it as a sign of hope..."  The smiles do eventually happen...the laughter too.

So, what CAN I do?
*I go out more than I used to. In fact, I enjoy meeting one or two friends for breakfast/lunch/dinner! * I actually got out the stockings at Christmas, the ornaments, listened to Christmas music, and sent cards (not without tears, but I did it).  *I occasionally make phone calls. Not as often as I used to, but sometimes. * I answer the phone (when I'm home alone)...still make Donny answer the phone when he is home.  *I can go to Fairmont girls basketball games...have been able to do that from the beginning (four years ago). It was what SHE loved.

What can't I do?
*Still have no desire to go out with groups of people.  More comfortable in smaller settings...although we are going out for "115 years of Greatness" dinner.  *Several of Fort's friends celebrate Stacy's, Pauly's and Melissa's birthdays.  Started with "100 years of Greatness" when Melissa and Stacy turned 30 and Pauly turned forty.  *Dancing.  I used to love to dance at parties and weddings.  My body just says "NO" now.  I think it's part of the "celebrating" thing I just can't get past. Yet.
*Parties.  Unless they are with Melissa's friends.

And I will be honest here too.  I LOVE seeing Melissa's friends.  I love getting together with her friends. I love that they stay in touch.  But it is hard watching their lives go on when hers was cut short. Still doesn't seem fair to me.  She should be HERE.

Is the pain any less?
Never.  It is with me EVERY SINGLE DAY.  There is a hole in my heart that physically aches.

What positive changes have I made to help me get through TODAY?
I think the biggest thing is reaching out to other parents who have lost children.  I know how much it helped me, and I want to do the same.  Pay it forward.  Also volunteer Wednesday morning in my friend Rodney's 5th grade class.  Helps ME, I hope I am helping THEM.  I keep in touch with Mike, Jackie's husband and Bruce, my friend Ruth's husband (who will be 90 this year!)...they lost their spouses...I want them to know that Jackie and Ruth will never be forgotten!  (just a note here...that is all  ANYONE who has lost a loved one wants...that they never be forgotten...)

So.  Have I made progress?
I have.  Maybe in some small ways.  But I have.  I am still here.  That is a MAJOR accomplishment.  And I am blessed to have friends who still call me on a regular basis (even though I don't call them) and get together with some friends on a regular basis (Marla, Rodney/Josh/Debbie, Donna Runzo, Angie, Roxy, Marianne, Jennifer, my cousin Jan, my cousin Sue and of course my sister Sue who calls on a daily basis!)
My goal for this year is to get better at keeping in touch.  If not by phone, then by text.

And of course Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max have been very good at keeping me busy (exhausted and loving it and thankful for five days to recuperate!) and loving me...and DONNY.  Without him, I would probably not be here.  He is my rock.  I can only hope that I have been as supportive of him as he has been of me.

  Four years ago this week, there were SO MANY random acts of kindness to our family, I couldn't count them all...we tried to thank everyone who did something to help us out, but I am sure that we missed some.  In honor of those who helped out in some way in the weeks following Melissa's death, all we can do at this point is pay it forward.  Please know that we are so thankful to all our friends, relatives and Melissa's friends and colleagues who reached out to us.  You will never know how much it meant to us....

In Melissa's memory, please reach out to someone with a Random Act of Kindness today.  Smile at someone who looks sad, call (or text) your parents, siblings, spouse and tell them you love them...and most  of all, give your kids an extra hug today.  And ALWAYS tell them you love them.  I'm so glad I did...

                                   Melissa Marie Fortener McLaughlin
                                                     "FORT"
                                    January 5, 1978 ~ January 3, 2009

4 years....

This is, and will probably always be, a rough week for me.  Today, four years ago, Melissa went back to Hospice for the final time.  I can't sleep.  I remember this week so well.  Like it was yesterday.  On this  day, she got up and wanted to take a shower.  I wouldn't let her.  I was afraid she would fall in the shower.  Plus she had to have her oxygen...the ONE thing she wanted, and I wouldn't give it to her.  One simple thing.
When I try to close my eyes to sleep, I see her taking her last breath.  I shake my head and try to get that vision OUT of my head.  But it won't go away.

Haven't been on FB in a couple of days, but went there today to Compassionate Friends.  A reminder that I am not alone.  Found this article.  Some people can put into words what I am feeling better than I can.  Ann Hood did just that in this article:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Providence, R.I. -  We are stunned.  We are outraged.  As a nation, we are questioning laws on gun control, questioning how such a thing can happen.  These are all appropriate responses to the tragedy in Newtown, Conn.  But there is a repercussion to all this that will continue long after laws are changed and life, unbelievably, life gets back to normal:  the grief of the parents of the 20 children killed.  How many times have I heard that this is a parent's worst nightmare? As someone who has lived the nightmare of losing a child, I know that the enormous hole left behind remains forever.

My daughter Grace, was not killed by a gun.  She died suddenly at age 5 from a virulent form of strep.  As I stood stunned in a church at her memorial, one of the hardest things I heard someone say was "I'm going to go home and hug my child a little tighter."  Well, good for you, I thought.  I'm going to go home and scream.

What can be said in light of such grief?  What can you do?  The problem is that no on can give the parents what they want most:  their child.  Long after the memorials fade and the casseroles stop coming, that child is still dead, and those parents are still grieving.

I offer here what I have learned about grief in the 10 years since my Gracie died:  I learned that platitudes don't work.  Time doesn't heal.  She is not in a better place.  God does give us more than we can bear sometimes.  I have learned that even in the face of loss, clothes still get dirty and bills still need to get paid.  Friends who laundered our socks and answered our emails, who mowed our lawn and put gas in our cars, helped us - a lot.  The friend who came one afternoon and went through Gracie's backpack, carefully storing her kindergarten workbook and papers, hanging her art on the refrigerator and her raincoat on its hook in the mudroom, had more courage than the ones who told me to call any time.
Some friends sat with me day after day, week after week and, yes, month after month, and let me talk while they listened.   I told the story of Grace's last day over and over, as if by telling it I could make sense of what happened to her, to us.  But there is no sense to be made of such tragedy, and when I realized that, they let me wail and bang my fists and curse.

As time passes, people return to their ordinary lives, while grieving parents no longer have ordinary lives.  They are redefining themselves, and they are at a loss at how to move forward.  There is a woman who still sends me a card on Grace's birthday and every Mother's Day, who sent cards weekly for more than a year, a lifeline to a grieving mother.  The people who even now, a decade later, still say Grace's name, still comment on her quirky style and artistic talents and love of the Beatles, continue to help me through my days, simply by remembering her.  How easy it is to look away from frief, as if it might be contagious, or too frightening to face.  But the Newtown parents have a difficult, lifelong journey through grief ahead of them.  Somehow, the seasons will change, the anniversaries will stack up one after the other.  They will, unbelievably, smile again.  They will make dinner and change jobs and buy clothes and celebrate and travel.  They will go on.  But there will always, always, be this grief, softened and dulled but present every minute of every day.

Do not forget that.  Look them in the eye.  Take them in your arms, and do not let them go.

Ann Hood is a novelist and short-story writer living in Providence, R.I.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So this week, I will lay low.

Have the boys tomorrow, Monday, New Years Eve, overnight, and New Years Day.

Our last New Years Eve with Melissa, we toasted the New Year ~ John and Donny had a beer. We were asleep by 9.  At 10:30, there was a loud crash...Melissa fell.  She got up to go to the bathroom.  Took off her oxygen, got up, and fell by the door.  When the nurse asked her why she didn't call for help, she said "I didn't want to wake anyone up."  She could do it herself.  The "theme of her childhood"...

So "celebrating" a new year just doesn't seem right to me any more.

Not sure how many people knew this, but this was the week that JP was going to be delivered too.  Except he decided to come a couple of months early.

We will get through this week.  The boys will help tomorrow.

Thursday, four years, will come and go just like the last three.  And Saturday we will celebrate her birthday just the way she liked it.  Lunch at China Cottage.  Tradition.  Then we'll go to the girl's basketall game.  She would want to do that if she were here.  And somehow, we'll get through another year without her.

And I hate it.

Read more here: http://www.heraldonline.com/2012/12/23/4505027/no-time-does-not-heal-all-wounds.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://www.heraldonline.com/2012/12/23/4505027/no-time-does-not-heal-all-wounds.html#storylink=cpy