Getting Away

For the last ten years I've talked about getting away over the holidays.  From Thanksgiving, to, oh, March.  Just jump over all those months.  Holidays just don't get easier.  John's birthday, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then John's anniversary, then Melissa's anniversary, then her birthday.

My sister Sue's anniversary is in there too.

Getting away seemed like a good thing to do.

So with the help of our cruising friends, Mange and Mary, we planned a cruise during the holidays.

Dec 28-Jan 4.  Which would mean we would be away for Melissa's birthday, anniversary, John's anniversary and Sue's anniversary. It would be good.

The closer it got, the more I started to worry.  Planning a trip this close to Christmas kind of takes away from the holiday.  (Which I thought was a good thing.) One thing I realized is that it took me several years, but I finally started enjoying the holidays again.

***

So I am going out of chronological order on this blog, because I CAN.

I want to start with the highlights of the last couple of weeks.

At the end of this trip, I was anxious to go home.  There's NO PLACE like home to me.

And while I (we) will not do another trip over a holiday, there were a lot of good things about this trip.

First, we went with great friends.  Mange and Mary.  Our cruise mates.  Donny's college football teammate.  And our common link, our daughters.  Their daughter Courtney died two years after Melissa.  Ovarian cancer.  It was good to be with them on Melissa's anniversary.  We talked a lot about Melissa.  Whatever we wanted to do on that day, they were there to listen.  Exactly what we needed. 

They remembered Melissa with this rose.

We had great weather.  We watched the forecast every day.  It was calling for rain both days we would be in port.  We didn't have rain either day. (some angels watching over us?)

This cruise was more about the people we met.

In St. Thomas,  a girl stopped to take our picture.   We were both wearing our Dayton hats/shirts. After she took our picture, she did a doubletake - didn't realize we had Dayton stuff on.  She went to UD, played volleyball there.  Had a nice conversation with her.

At the pool, I met two women from New Jersey.  They were a lot of fun! They got up early to get the chairs in the pool and shared them with us when they were ready to go.  Great conversations with them too.

Jill, me, Tammie

Met a couple of Ireland walking back to the ship.  Martin and Maureen.  They were on a cruise (not our ship) with their daughter and her husband.

Met a girl from Canada, Ludie (sp?) in the water at the beach in St. Maarten.  Kindergarten teacher.

More interesting conversation.

The last night, we went to a game night in the lounge where we watched the Ohio State game.

Walked past this guy he says "Are you from Dayton?"  "I'm from Lewisburg".  

Turns out we have mutual friends-couple from our Compassionate Friends group from Lewisburg and  he knows friends of Melissa's, Tracy and Ross.  He's the Resource Officer for Northmont High School.  Small world.

When we got off the ship, we drove to Melbourne, Fl, and stayed one night.  We were there Jan 4 and Jan5 (Melissa's birthday).  We stopped there to visit Emily and her family (long story short - Emily found Melissa through an article she wrote for the Cincinnati Weekly.  Melissa included the blog address, Emily, a Pharmaceutical Rep for oncologists, started reading the blog, realized she went to OU the same time Melissa was there, lived in her dorm.  When Melissa passed she messaged me her condolences.  2009.  She continued to read the blog (my posts).  When I posted about my Dad moving to assisted living in Melbourne (2013) she messaged me AGAIN.  "I live right across the river from your dad!"  We had never met.  Until we went back to Melbourne to visit Dad.  Met for breakfast. Next time she had us over for dinner.  She took her kids to visit Dad on Christmas when I couldn't be there.  When I called to tell her we would be in town after the cruise this year, she invited us over...to their NEW house.  They aren't even unpacked yet.  Treated us like family.  And had a "birthday pie" (Key Lime from Publix-our favorite!)  For Melissa.  She reminds me a lot of Melissa.  ANOTHER good thing about this trip.

Left Emily's and headed to the VFW.  Dad's home away from home.  Got to visit some of his old friends there.  They miss him too.

Steve.  He helped Dad out a lot when I couldn't. 

Dad's picture is still in the VFW there.

Left Melbourne on Melissa's birthday.  On the road EXACTLY when she would have turned "42".

Jan. 5 1:19 p.m.

SIGNS

So you know that we look for signs EVERYWHERE we go.  We were not disappointed.

Our November Compassionate Friends meeting was "Getting Through the Holidays".

I talked about how I was having second thoughts about going on this cruise.

Another mom in our group told this story:

They too struggled on holidays/birthdays/anniversarys.  They decided to get away on their son's birthday.  A cruise.  On the day of his birthday, they were walking through the dining room and a table was singing Happy Birthday.  "Happy Birthday Dear David"....that was THEIR sons name!

While it was emotional, they talked to the people at that table, and turns out he was the SAME AGE as their son!

So we were expecting some big signs from Melissa (since we would be on this vacation on her anniversary AND birthday).

1.  Went to a Magic show in the theatre.  Really good magician.  His last magic act, he talked about butterflies.  He proceeded to pull butterflies out of his hand and throw them up in the air - there was a fan blowing them around, like they were really flying - we were able to get a couple.

2.  The big production that was promoted on the ship was a show called "5 Skies"  It was about 

a life size, live video game.  The second act everyone came out dressed as butterflies!

(Been on 6 other cruises, never have butterflies been included in a show!)

I think she came through. 

3.  Last day at sea on the cruise, I'm sitting in the pool. Using this picture to show where I was sitting.

On the left side. Where the guy is in the pool. I was on the side.  By myself.  This girl is sitting next to me, picks up my hand and says "I like your fingernail polish".  Then we start talking.  She's from Iowa. "I'm from Ohio."  Big 10 connection.  She asked about family.  I told her about Nick, my grandsons.  And that this was eleven years that day that my daughter Melissa passed away.

She looked at me funny and said "I'm a psychic medium".   She thought for a minute, then said 

"Your daughter is going to send her dad a black and white feather.  She's going to send you a white feather."  We talked a little bit more (she said something about seeing boxes, and moving, and not taking a lot of stuff - which we ARE talking about!).  Gave me her card.

So I'm thinking - "we are in the middle of the ocean.  Where is this feather going to come from?"

The next day, we head to Melbourne, Florida.  Spending the night there.  When we get there, the sky is ominous.  Dark clouds rolling in.  A storm is coming.  But I want to take a walk on the beach before it gets there.  So we do.  As soon as we get on the beach,  we find a black and white feather. Then a white one.  ( and a few more).  She came through  AGAIN.

4. When we left the hotel to go to Emily's, walking out to the car the license plate on the car next to us:     IJR.  My Dad's initials.  He had them tattooed on his arm.  Dad was there too.

     (In fact, I think Dad AND Melissa were there.  Reading this now, I'm reading IJR 'n 78.  (78 is the year Melissa was born!)

Murphy, NC

Last stop, John and Diana's.  John's mom and dad's.  We arrived on Melissa's birthday. 

Haven't been there in awhile, and this was a needed stop for all of us.  John's 3rd anniversary was January 1.  It's good to be around each other, we talked a lot about John and Melissa.  

And for dessert after dinner?  Diana had a cake for Melissa and we sang Happy Birthday.  

I'm so glad we were there.

We celebrated their memories, cried a little, laughed a lot.  Shook our heads a lot too trying to understand WHY?????

We toasted our kids, they treated us like royalty.   Took us on a new tour of NC/Georgia.  They are 20 min from Georgia and 20 min from Tennessee.  Lots of winding mountain roads.  And perfect weather for a day road trip.

First stop, Sleepy Hollow.  This also happened to be the seventh anniversary of my sister Sue's death. 

Sue would have loved this place.  I could feel her there.  

Second stop, Appalachian Trail.  Their grandson walked 300 miles of the Appalachian Trail until he decided to go home after a traumatic experience.  This was one of the stops at the beginning of the trail.  (In Georgia)

I walked the (width) of the Appalachian Trail!

YES. These are SHOES hanging in the trees!!!

It was an amazing trip.  You just read the highlights.  The best parts of the trip.

****

The rest is from the beginning (of the story).  Wanted to START with the highlights!

One exception here....almost forgot to post this because I just found out today!  Got to scroll to the end for this news.  We are SO excited about this!!!!

Christmas

Since we were leaving the day after Christmas, we decided not to do a big meal at home.  And since we would be gone for Melissa's birthday, we decided to do her birthday tradition, China Cottage, on Christmas Eve.  It was perfect.  That might become a tradition.  After lunch, we came back to the house for desert, games and gifts.  It was perfect.

I make the boys books every year (kind of like their own personal yearbook).  Pictures of everything we did together during the previous year.  

Matt and his girlfriend Teresa joined us.

Left Right Center.  I wanted to play with quarters...I lost.  Literally.  I lost.

Dessert.  Easy cleanup!

The losers.

The winner!

Teresa and Matthew

Next year's Christmas card.

After everyone went home, we headed to David's Cemetery for the luminaries and to visit Melissa, John and JP.  

Put a candle out and solar lights on the tree.

Christmas Eve.  (Never in my wildest dreams did I think this is what we would be doing on Christmas Eve)

After David's we drove through Lincoln Park to see the Christmas lights.  Beautiful there at Christmas time.  It was so warm out this year we got out of the car and walked around!

Got up early Christmas morning to go to Nick & Mere's to watch the boys open their gifts.  Don't usually do this, but they had a big surprise this year.  Wanted to see their reactions.

It was worth getting up at 6 am to see them. 

The Trip

Our cruise left out of Ft. Lauderdale.  We decided to drive for two reasons.  We could take our time since we are retired, and gas was cheaper than flights.  Plus we don't mind driving.  We were fortunate because the weather cooperated.

Took two days to get there, met Mange and Mary at Embassy Suites in Ft. Lauderdale.  Mange and Mary are seasoned cruisers, and taught us to always get there a day early.  If you plan to arrive the day you depart, the ship won't wait for you!  

                                                                     Embassy Suites

Our ship left Fort Lauderdale on Saturday afternoon.  Easiest boarding we've ever had.  Plenty of time to get drinks, see our staterooms, and find our way around the ship (which I never did.  Got lost multiple times)!  

our Stateroom

Checking out the theatre

Mange and me.  My arms weren't long enough to get all of Mary and Donny!

Our first "mission" was to find out where we could watch the Ohio State/Clemson game.  Took awhile, but finally found an itinerary that answered our questions!

It was on a big screen in one of the big lounges.  About 100 people showed up to watch.  

A day to relax.

First stop, Princess Cays (Bahamas)

Back on the ship and into the pool.

First night dinner.

Captain stopped by to chat at breakfast!

That's my foot.  Those are glass panels that look down into the water!

Donny.  Holding onto the railing for dear life...that was his challenge for the trip.  To walk on those glass panels.  

Second port, St. Thomas.  We decided to go to Megan's Bay.

Taken from the cab on the way back to the ship! I think our ship is the one in the middle.

New Years Eve

This was the first New Years Eve we've celebrated in 11 years.  The last time we celebrated was with Melissa in Hospice.  She fell that night.  So for the next ten years we had the boys.  Definitely a laid back welcoming to the New Year.  

So I wasn't really prepared for this.  Donny and I went to the dining room for dinner and Mange and Mary went shopping.   All I will say is it was not as easy as I thought it would be.  We went back to the room and changed clothes and met up with Mange and Mary later.  Went to a show and then to the Lido Deck for the New Years Eve celebration there.  Around 2000 people around the pool, a band playing and the countdown on the big screen by the pool.  That was much better than the dinner experience.

On our way back to our room, somehow we ended up in the Fitness Center!  Decided to bring in the New Year with our yearly New Years Resolution....with a work out.

NOT.  We were on the equipment long enough to get a picture.  That's it.

Last port, St. Maarten.  The reason Donny wanted to go on this trip.  This is where Maho Beach is, right next to the airport on St. Maarten.  Where the planes fly right over the beach.  Because there were so many ships in port, it was really busy.  Takes half an hour by cab to get to Maho Beach, when we got there found out only a couple planes were landing in the next half hour, then two hours before another plane would be landing.  Decided to go back to the downtown beach, close to the port where the ship was.  

Mange in the blue hat, Donny, red.

They had major damage from hurricane a couple of years ago.  Still rebuilding.

Last night.  Toasting w Lemoncello

Infinity pool.  Only 3 chairs in this pool.  Mary is in the middle one with a girl we met from Chicago (Janice).  I was able to get these chairs on TWO days!  First day, we didn't get out to the pool until 

10 a.m. by that time there were NO lounges left on the ship.  Someone got up from a table by this pool, so we grabbed it to be able to get some sun.  The people that had these chairs were from Dayton originally (I had my Dayton hat on again!) Started talking to them and when they were ready to leave, they gave us the chairs!    Met some really nice people by this pool!

I think this was the only sunset we saw.  That's a Carnival Cruise ship behind us.

On the Serenity Deck (for adults only)

Drawing on ship...looks just like our granddog Knute.

In port in Ft. Lauderdale, Saturday morning.

Never saw this deck like this during the week.  ALWAYS filled with people.  

Now everyone is getting off the ship.  Never went to this pool. Too crowded.

and this is the end.

The rest of the story is at the beginning.

I believe I'm going crazy.

Or you might think I'm crazy.

I am.

Hope you have a 

Happy 

HEALTHY

New Year!

****************

GREAT NEWS!!!!

Evidently this message was sent to me in November and for some reason I never saw it.

A former rugby teammate of Melissa's, Erin O'Brien, sent me this message:

Hi Pam,

I wanted to let you know that I am starting a high school girls rugby team for next school year.  

We will be Cincy North Girls Rugby.  Our team will be the Fortress.  Fort for short.  They will all learn the legacy of their name.

She attached a link to the website.  On the HISTORY page is this:

Cincy North Girls Rugby will play their first season Fall 2020.  The team was created for amazing group of junior high girls who started playing in the Cincinnati Rookie Rugby League.

(https://www.rookierugbyohio.com/home), and were looking to continue playing in High School.

The team is coached by two former rugby players and Rookie Rugby Coaches, Erin O'Brien and Sarah Schmida.

The team name Fortress stands for both strength and an homage to former Cincinnati Kelts and Dayton Flying Pigs team member Melissa Fortener who lost her battle to cancer in 2009.  "Fort" was a fierce rugger , great friend, strong leader and everything good.  Her legacy will live on with these girls.

***

We are so honored.  And can't wait to see them in action!  Thank you Erin and Sarah.  We are so grateful.

Happy 16th JP!!!

October 19, 2003.

Should have been one of the happiest days of our lives.

Just a few months before, in July, Melissa shared what she hoped would be the happiest news we could ever hear...she was pregnant!  My reaction disappointed her, to say the least.

She had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and protocol was in place.  She was to have a port put in for chemotherapy, then start the next day.  That was July 2, 2003.  It was outpatient surgery, so John stayed home in Cincy and I took her for the procedure.  Didn't go as planned.  They did routine urinalysis and bloodwork before the procedure and asked if she knew she was pregnant.  NOPE.

At that point, protocol changed.  They couldn't give her the anesthetic they were going to use. Not sure what they gave her, but it made her very sick.  After the procedure, she asked me to call John and tell him to come up.  She needed to talk to him.  She didn't tell me anything at the time.

John came up that night (and although they were living together in Cincinnati, they never slept in the same room in our house, until this night-old school mom I guess).  She told him that night she was pregnant.

The next morning, we took her for her first chemo treatment, which was supposed to last 3 hours.
She came out after 15 min, said she had to go back to the hospital.  Something was wrong with the port.  I told her (begged her actually) I would go with her, but she insisted on going alone - she had to get back to work anyway.  What she was doing was getting an ultrasound to see how far along she was.  (almost into her second trimester)  After the ultrasound she went to Ascension (the church we belonged to at the time) and talked to the priest.  She needed to make a decision - terminate the pregnancy and begin chemo immediately, or not.  The priest told her "whatever decision you make, God will understand."   She was willing to take the chance.  She WANTED this baby.

So protocol changed.  She would have a mastectomy, and when the drains came out, she should be into her second trimester when it was safe to have chemo.   All this was done BEFORE she told me she was pregnant.

That was a couple of days later...she invited me to lunch.  I got to the restaurant and a friend of Nick's just happened to be working as the host that day - James Thompson.  He directed me to the side of the restaurant where no one was sitting but Melissa.  I thought that was odd.  But she told him that what she had to tell me she needed to be alone.

When I got to the table, before I even sat down, she said "I'm pregnant."  Then proceeded to say that everything would be ok, that (everything that I explained above) would happen first and everything would be fine!  All I could say was "Oh my God".  I was scared to death.

But the pregnancy proceeded and everything went well.   They even had an ultrasound to find out what they were having so they could pick a name.  John Patrick.  Perfect.  Then I started to get excited!

Our FIRST grandchild!!!

So the story I just related above?  That is the story I would have shared with JP EVERY year on his birthday.   I do that with my own kids.  It's one of those days where you remember every detail.  And I think my kids always loved that.  What a good story that would be to share.  JP was MEANT to be here.   His mom and dad went through a lot to get him here!

But that story never got to be told.  To JP anyway.

On October 18, Melissa was in the wedding of a good friend from high school.  We went, and at the reception she complained (not really complained - she NEVER complained) that her back was hurting.  John massaged her back and none of us EVER thought she was in labor.  Which she was.

We got home just after midnight when the phone rang.  I heard the sirens in the background, and John screaming "the babies coming, the babies coming!!!"  Not sure how we found the hospital (Bethesda North in Cincinnati) but we did.  When we walked in, Melissa was holding the baby, crying. "I'm sorry Mom"....WHY WHY WHY???????

So my daughter and John lost their child.  All their hopes and dreams. Gone.  In an instant.

Melissa would tell you that losing the baby had nothing to do with the chemo or her cancer.  She had an incompetent cervix.  He was breech and they wouldn't deliver him in the ambulance...the umbilical cord was pinched and he wasn't getting any oxygen.  They did everything they could to save him.

So they were left with just a few minutes of memories to last a lifetime.  Short ones for her and John.

She made a beautiful scrapbook of JP.  (Which was in John's house when he passed)  It was in one of those plastic zip covers that comforters come in.  The scrapbook, clothes that we bought for the baby, a teddy bear, the dress she was wearing in the wedding was in there too.  And the pages from the visitors at his funeral.

All we can do is imagine what JP would have been like...who would he look like?  We KNOW he would be smart - his mom and dad were both really smart (that's  one thing Melissa loved about John, they could have intelligent conversations!!!), he would be funny and he would probably have a belly laugh!  And he would be starting college in a couple of years.

We miss not getting to watch him grow up.  No cousins for Andrew and Max when they come for holidays.

The only consolation (if you can call it that) is he is with his Mom and Dad.

Happy 16th Birthday John Patrick.  We wish so much you (ALL of you) were here to celebrate today.

We'll celebrate your birthday with Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max today, like we do every year.
I promised your mom we would never forget you.

We love you so much.

The scrapbook Melissa made for JP

His handprints and footprints

The birthday card she bought for him on his birthday

John Patrick.  So tiny.  We got to hold him and love him for several hours that day.

At the funeral, Mike Merz (from the Kelts) present this to JP.  He's part of the Kelts family.

UNretired!

It's been awhile since I posted last. I guess that's a good thing.  Keeping busy.

Seems that July and August have been good to me in the last ten years.  July is vacation month (this year Shanksville, Pa., Gettysburg, Philly (for the Compassionate Friends National Conference) and Washington D.C.  The historical vacations.  A whirlwind eight days.  Saw a lot and learned a lot.

While we were on vacation, I received a call from the Principal of Prass Elementary while we were in Gettysburg (Big Round Top on the battlefield to be exact!)  She was asking if I was interested in coming back to work.  I DID put an application in for the position, but hadn't really put a lot of thought into it.  A friend called to tell me about the position, and I HAD talked about wanting to go back for just a couple hours a day.  This job fit the bill.  Two and a half hours a day.  On the playground and in the cafeteria.  That can't be too hard....

What I forgot was the last time I did that was in 1985.  I was 29 years old.  Younger.  More energy and MORE patience!  Not sure WHAT I was thinking.

So I accepted the position and started August 14.  (One of the reasons I retired was because every year school was starting earlier.  Plus I COULD retire.  Dad needed me too.  Again.  WHAT was I thinking????

My first day of school, 2019.

There have been a lot of changes in 34years.  The biggest change happened this year.  Kindergarten is now all day.  Which means they go to lunch at school...and recess.

There are four classes-16-17 in each class.  All on the playground at the same time.  WHAT was I thinking????

So here we are, three weeks into the school year, and I'm still wondering WHAT was I thinking?
Taking it a day at a time right now.  What I know is that it is exhausting work.  I work 2 1/2 hours, then nap 2 1/2 hours when I get home.  The pay isn't bad, but for an entire school year I'll make a little over $7000.  Hmmmm????

What I do love, and always did, is the kids.  The first day with kindergarten on the playground, there was a little boy who sat off by himself.  Teacher said he was like that in the classroom too.  So I went over to him asked him to walk around with me.  "I'll show you all the playground equipment."
So he came with me.  Then I asked him what he liked.  "I like to be at home."
Good news is, he's made some friends and he's playing now.  That makes me happy.

We'll see how it goes.

So up until school started, I was pretty busy.  I helped organize our 45th class reunion (not a great turnout, but fun).

Friday night was at Eudora, a new Brewery in Kettering.  Ran into a friend from the swim club we belonged to when the kids were little - Alaine DiSalvo.  Haven't seen her in probably 30 years.  She hasn't changed a bit.  Funny thing, she ran into Nick the SAME day!

Patsy, me, Val, Jodi, Nancy

This was the group Friday night.  A few missing, and two of the guys in the back row photobombed.

Took pics of groups from different elementaries that fed into WW.  Jim and I were the only ones from St. Helen's.  We were best friends in high school.

Since Jim and I always get a pic together - Donny and Kim (Jim's wife) do too!

Jeff, me, John (my birthday buddy and Junior Prom date!)

Me and Rox.  She was Homecoming Queen.  I was on the Court.

Carol and me.  Unfortunately, we are both in the club no one wants to belong to.

Her son and only child died a year after Melissa.

Patti and me.  She came in from Michigan.

Our friends Mange and Mary came into town for three days - three concerts.  Happy Together Tour, 

Frankie Valley, Doobie Brothers & Santana.  

Went to the German Fest downtown Dayton.  Perfect day.

After Doobie Brothers/Santana.  Donny, Mange, Randi.

Were excited to take Andrew to his new school to pick up his schedule and find his locker!

Of course had to take him out to lunch to celebrate!

Finally a FREE concert...The Menus at The Greene!

Lead Singer

Base player, who happens to be the cousin of Netti, one of Melissa's Rugby teammates!

Celebrated Max's 10th Birthday - finally DOUBLE DIGITS!!!

Went to their first football games - 

Max is the QB and punter.  He had a 45 yard punt in the first game! (He's a fourth grader!!!)

Sent his cousin Ryan (who was a field goal kicker in high school and college) these pictures -his comment..."He looks like me!  Great form!"  I think so too!

Above is first day of school - maybe 3 or 4 years ago? (they need one of those signs!)

Below - first day of school 2019.  Andrew is 6th grade, Max is 4th.

It's been a good summer.  Too short.  Time goes so much faster when you are retired.  So much to do, so little time (Donny reminded me that we are in the 4th quarter of our lives...always football related!)  

Fall is my favorite time of year.  Melissa's too.  I love the change of seasons, the colors, the smells, football, rugby.  

Don't like the shorter days.  Fall is another difficult time of year for me (yes, even ten years later).

Hoping that a busy schedule helps - plus going to see the medium next week.  Feel like I'm visiting Melissa!  I'll update on that next week.  Plus a couple more trips squeezed in before winter.  

Looking forward to basketball season this year again.

***

Sitting here watching the news - ANOTHER mass shooting in Texas today.  5 dead.  It was just about a month ago there were two mass shootings in one weekend - one in El Paso, TX and one here.  Dayton, OH.  You think it will never happen to you.  Until this country decides to DO SOMETHING, we will continue to have these.  Makes me so damn mad.  And sad.  

I know 5 girls that were in the bar where the shooter was entering - fortunately for them he was shot and killed before he entered.  Would have been much worse than 9 dead, 20 injured, which is a tragedy.  

The other news is Hurricane Dorian.  Hopefully it will continue to follow the path they are showing - staying just off the coast.  

I'm ready for some good news.

Anyone?????