Remembering John Patrick....

Nine years ago today our first grandson was born.  John Patrick.  Two months early, and not ready for this world.   So while we should be celebrating (which we had a small rememberance last night), we will  be visiting him instead at the cemetery...and as Melissa said a couple of years ago... "I never thought I'd be visiting my son (grandson) at the cemetery for his birthday."
It's just not right.
And while I normally love telling the story of each of my children and grandchildren's birthday, this one doesn't have such a happy ending.   But I will tell it nonetheless...

Nine years ago yesterday, Melissa was in a wedding of one of her good friends from high school.  She was seven months pregnant at the time.  After the reception, we got home around midnight...shortly after got the call that you NEVER want to get.  John was calling saying they were on their way to the hospital.  The baby was coming.
When we got there, Melissa was holding him...saddest day of my life...and hers I KNOW.  He was BEAUTIFUL...head full of dark hair, long eyelashes, all his fingers, all his toes...PERFECT.
We were all able to spend as much time as we needed to hold him and love him that day.  We just wanted so much more....
They say when you lose your parents, you lose  your past.  When you lose your child, you lose your future....it is so true.
John Patrick would be nine today.  Probably in third grade.  (More likely, probably in 4th grade...he would be SO smart, just like his mom and dad).  And funny.  He would have a good sense of humor and would be athletic too.  And he would have SO many friends.  And we would be having his birthday party this weekend....
We SHOULD be having his party this weekend....but instead he will celebrate with his mom.  As much as I want him HERE, at least he has his mom and she has him.....

(sent him a balloon with a message, a hug, and lots of kisses today....and his birthday gift went to Make a Wish Foundation)

We all love and miss you so much JP!

This is a photo of me and one of my fifth graders on the last day of school. My last day and his last day.  It was after the Fifth grade Farewell. Andy Li.  Tuesday of this week, he was riding his bike home from his mom's restaurant (where I believe he was helping out)...he was hit by an SUV and killed.
On my first day at Greenmont, I met lots of students, but Andy was one of those UNFORGETTABLE students.  He didn't just say hi...he came up and gave me a BIG HUG.  A fourth grader!  Most students get to know you before hugging you (even first graders!).  Not Andy.  He was SO happy all the time.  GREAT kid.  12 years old.
Just found out his funeral is Monday.  October 22.  Same day we had JP's funeral...and SAME Funeral Home.  Nine years later.
Sad week for me....

RIP Andy.  You will be missed, but NEVER forgotten!

My wonderful son Nick, Meredith and Andrew and Max.  They make life worth living....

My new design (not very original) but I think I like it a little better than the car magnet...ordered 60.
Will sell them for $1 at the fundraiser tomorrow...if your interested let me know. I'll send you one.
(the ones I had made also include her blog address).

Can't believe this is the NINTH fundraiser...Melissa attended the first five.  It's a great time for a GREAT cause.  Half the proceeds go to the Komen Foundation, the other half goes to Melissa's Scholarship.  (In the last four years, almost $10,000 has gone to her Scholarship fund!)  This year, the Miami University Women's Rugby Club will be holding a TRY for the CURE at their match tomorrow, October 20.  The proceeds of their fundraiser will go to the Kelts Fundraiser tomorrow.

We are so thankful for their continued support...and LOVE.
Thanks Kelts - we love you!

And on that note, want to give a shout out to our friends Scot, Sandy, Ashley and Clarke Franz for remembering Fort at the Springboro Football game PINK OUT....they sent a balloon to Melissa and signed her name to a pink Firetruck at the game...THANKS guys!

Also to Ted Kuntz, the son of friends of ours from Carroll High School.  Ted plays football for Dennison University and they are having a Breast Cancer Awareness game tomorrow.  Ted and some of his teammates will be wearing FORT bracelets - he will be wearing her name also to honor her.

And tomorrow, hopefully the weather will hold out for the Making Strides for Breast Cancer Walk in downtown Dayton.  It's a 5k, and I've done it every year since Melissa was diagnosed (we walked it together a couple of times - the most memorable was the week after we did the 3 Day, 60 mile walk in Atlanta.  3 miles was just NOT enough for either of us - we came home and walked another 4 - just felt like th 5K was a warm up...OH how i miss those walks with her...)

Don't forget - get your mammograms if you haven't already done it!

~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Love you and miss you EVERY single day Melissa and JP!

Melissa

 This is so true.  just wanted to share.....

 Have a good day...be back on the 19th....

Happy Birthday ANGIE!

Not sure why this picture comes up so small, but it is one of my favorites of Melissa and Ang.  

On my kids birthdays, I like to tell the story of the day they were born.  Can't tell you the story of the day Ang was born, but I can tell you when she came into OUR lives...when Melissa got involved in sports in Middle School. And that friendship lasted through college (where they were roommates at OU) and up until her death....and Ang remains a close friend to us still (like a daughter)...and I can't tell you how much it means to us to have her in our lives.

Happy 35th Birthday Angie...we love you and can't wait to meet Bennett!

October is a month of very mixed emotions...I love that it begins with Angie's birthday~something positive.  

It is also the time of year that Melissa LOVED LOVED LOVED. I always DID too.  Now this beautiful weather, change of seasons was the beginning of the end for Melissa.  And John Patrick's birthday.  And Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  

I know that it might be hard to understand that after almost four years, we are still grieving and some days are just as difficult as it was 4 years ago.   I can be driving and all of a sudden, my thoughts just drift to "I can't believe she's not here."  Believe it or not, I still cry every day.  

I went to the Compassionate Friends meeting last week and a new "member" was there.  Her daughter was killed in a car accident 14 weeks ago.  My friend Carolyn leaned over and said "it's painful to watch her..."  because we remember when we were "there".  And going to the meetings you can see that you HAVE made progress.  And we help each other.  Better than any psychologist or psychiatrist

could...as least in my opinion.  I tried therapy, didn't have a good experience.  I have found that people who TRULY understand where you are coming from (have lost a child) are the ones who will help you get through each day.    Another "newer" member was there with her husband and one of her children. They lost a child at birth 8 months ago.  When she said "I never heard him cry"...and she started crying, I started crying.  At first, I couldn't understand why her story made me cry after hearing everyone else's (we go around the circle, introduce ourselves and if we want, tell about our child).

At the end of the meeting, we go around the circle and everyone says their child's name again. one of the charter members, Barb, whose 8 year old daughter died of encephalitis in 1985, asked why I 

never remember JP.  And it hit me then.  MELISSA had to feel the way this young mother did, who at  8 months out, was grieving the son that she only held for a few hours.  And never heard him cry.  

That was Melissa and John.  And I think about how I wouldn't talk about JP.  I was afraid I would upset her.  Now I wish I would have.  But I did tell her that we would NEVER forget JP.  We would always celebrate his birthday, which we have.  His NINTH birthday is coming up.  I will update more on JP then.

...and Breast Cancer Awareness month...not sure why, but when I walked into Kroger and it was all decked out in PINK, I got a little sick to my stomach.   Seeing lots of pictures of survivors is hard...not that I'm not happy that they are survivors, but WHY COULDN"T MY DAUGHTER be a survivor????  I still look at pictures and can't understand how someone so healthy could get cancer and die so quickly so young.   I will never understand.

The good thing, which Melissa always stressed... B POSITIVE...suck it up...and to remember that "there is always someone who would LOVE to be in your shoes...

the good thing is I get up every morning.  Believe me, there are mornings when I don't want to get up.

But I do.

And on Mondays and Tuesdays,  I actually work.  Taking care of kids is WORK.  But fun work.

I love Mondays and Tuesdays...always trying to find something fun to do with the kids...

                                   making cookies....

                         Playing football....

                          playing hide and go seek.....

                  Pumpkin Patch at Youngs Dairy....

                  riding calves....

                    or riding pumpkins...

                    feeding goats.....

         and finding the PERFECT pumpkin!

                                              Max with his perfect pumpkin...

                   Andrew with HIS perfect pumpkin.....

           and no rest for the weary...MORE football!

...Oh. And another thing.  Since I am now retired, I feel like I need to have "projects".  My project for the winter is to clean up the room in the basement (formerly known as the Notre Dame room)...now just a  room to put things that we don't know what to do with, or to hide when we have company.  I have given myself until March to complete this project.  Got half of the room somewhat organized the other day.  Problem is, I came across multiple things of Melissa's (sat and cried half of the day), and a box of things from my dad that my mom had saved.  Stuff from when I was in second grade (1963), mom's original S.S. card, dad's newborn footprint (which is on a piece of paper, with his mom's thumbprint next to it, and May 31, 1930 crossed out, replaced with June 1, 1930 and the handwritten statement "this baby was born at 12:06 a.m.)  We have always celebrated my dad's birthday May 31st. Same as Donny's.  We were wrong!  Also several cards that my mom saved from me and my (deceased) brother Steve.  And a letter my mom wrote to my dad after the death of my brother (April 26, 1975) and before my wedding (June 26, 1976).  Very sad. And letters from my dad to my mom; letters from former "boy"friends of my mom.  Scrapbook stuff.  So I didn't really accomplish much.  Sat and read and cried  most of the day.  But I did pull out about five boxes of stuff to take to Goodwill.  And didn't put a dent in it.  

Working on projects like this is bittersweet...while I LOVE finding things from Melissa (another card thanking me for always being there for her)...I want HER.  Also found the DVD our brother in law made of Melissa "through the years".  From when she was about five or six through the week before she passed away.  Including her toast to Nick and Meredith at their wedding.  I LOVE hearing her voice, her laugh...and love that I can share that with Andrew and Max too.

And another thing I love.  As I sit her update the blog, Andrew is sitting on the arm of the chair next to me, patiently waiting for me to read to him....and I realize he is breathing deeply...relaxed.  Sleeping.

There is NOTHING better for me right now.  

I think I'll join him....

(be back on JP's birthday, October 19).

Hug your kids today, and never forget to tell them you love them.  And don't sweat the small stuff...

pretty much everything you stress about is small stuff.  Trust me.  I know.

Fall...

To be perfectly honest, I don't even know what the date is.  I know it's Saturday, but since I've been retired, I know DAYS but not dates.  

I haven't updated in awhile, because when I post something, I want it to be something Melissa would post.  My life isn't always as exciting as hers was.  But with fall just around the corner, I know she would be posting pictures about rugby matches, football games, and always stories about Drew (and now Max too).  

Road Trip(s)

Occasionally Melissa would  post stories on the blog that I shared with her.  I think this is one she would share.  She LOVED my dad.  I think she inherited his social skills...and his love of a cold beer.  A few years ago (actually, more than four years ago), they were in town to visit some of Melissa's high school friends.  I think we had dinner and she was ready to head to Taggart's to meet her friends.  We were invited, but declined - not much on late nights any more.  My dad was here and said "I'll go with you".  He was a lot younger then...78.  He went out with them and she came home with some great videos of him singing and dancing and having a great time with her and John and all their friends.  She loved it. 

Well, he hasn't changed much in four years.  Still loves a good party.  A good cold beer.  And his place in Florida.  Especially the VFW and all his friends there.  (Remember "Norm" on Cheers?  Think "IRV" at the VFW.  That's him.  Just like "Fort" at OU.)

Ok.  Road trip.  I decided to join him on his trip to Florida this year....to do all the driving.  I-75 is not what it used to be.  It's getting scarier and scarier.  Dad has a routine when he drives to Florida.  First day, he drives to Sweetwater, TN.  Stays in the same hotel, same room.  He walks in and says "look me up.  I want the same room as last time."
Next day, we drive to Tifton, GA. Same hotel, same room.  "Look me up, I stayed here in May."  Then he visits his friends who live in Tifton.   Day three, five hours to Melbourne. 
Ran by the airport (so he would know where to drop me off) then a stop at the beach for pictures.   Then to his place to unpack.  He did "let" me go to the pool for an hour, but had to get to the VFW.  They were waiting for him.  I know why he wants to be there.  Every woman in the place came up to him for a hug and a kiss.  And in unison, everyone at the bar said "IRV!"  He loves it there.  
But he does not need to be driving on the highway any more.  (Much to his dismay).  If he doesn't fly home in the spring, I'll be flying down to drive home with him.  

Field Trips

If its not a road trip, it's a field trip with the boys.  I have found that Mondays and Tuesdays are a lot more fun if I have something planned.  So far, we've visited Boonshoft (local children's museum), Cox Arboretum, Air Force Museum, and several area parks.  They have a LOT of energy.  Got to visit them at school for my FIRST Grandparent's day too.   

 Having fun at Cox Arboretum...

         Exploring (Drew found a frog!)

 Beautiful flowers at the Arboretum...

and a Butterfly House, that was unfortunately closed! (but we could 
still see all the butterflies inside!)

not GREAT pictures, but got to see LOTS of Monarchs!

 I was reading and Drew took my camera out of my purse and said "SMILE Pamma!"

Then he took a picture of me and Max....

so of course I had to let Max take a picture of Drew...

SO.  Guess what they are getting for Christmas....(got Melissa her first camera when she was in high school.  She LOVED it.  I am so thankful for that and for all the pictures she left us!)

 Grandparents Day...Pamma and Max  (the couple behind us in the picture?  Their daughter played basketball and with and was a friend of Melissa's from grade school.  Small world.)

                    Mimi and Andrew

Road Trip II

I'm kind of liking this retirement thing.  Road trip II.  Left Thursday morning, right after Grandparent's breakfast for Martin, Tennessee.  Donny's nephew (Melissa's cousin) Ryan plays for Southeastern Louisiana.  They played UT Martin.  One of his "close" games to Ohio.  So I went.  Seven hour drive to watch a three hour game.  Got up the next morning for the seven hour drive home (and exciting ride home at that...got run off the road by a semi! Donny's brother Mike was with me and stayed VERY calm.  I was driving partially on the grass/partially on the road for about 100 yards!  Really need to keep BOTH hands on the wheel when you are on the highway - you never know WHAT'S going to happen!)

 Jan (Donny's sister) and Ron (Ryan is in between them on the sidelines ~ #6)

Missed the Fairmont game (a little tired), but did make Coach Fortener's game on Saturday morning...FORT would be SO proud of her dad.  He's the head coach of the JV team this year...

Coach Fortener on the field with his offense...

Stayed til halftime, had to get to Eastwood Park for the Cincy/Dayton rugby match.

Saw lots of Fort's friends.  Dave and Edie (Kyra's parents), Jen, Tess, Curt,
Pauly & Luke, Eva and Jaiden(?),Sam, Netti's mom.  Several of her friends are
STILL playing...Netti, Elizabeth, Philly, Bea, Crazy Legs (Kelly).  It is SO 
nice to see her friends.  Oh.  And she was there too.  Saw a couple butterflies
flying over the field.  She hangs around still.

Pauly and Luke, Eva and Jaiden


Boy do I miss her.  Every single day.  There is something EVERY day that reminds me of her.  And as good as it is to see her friends, I can't help but wish that she were still here too.
I miss that laugh.  (oh I miss her rolling her eyes at me too. Really.)  I miss taking care of her.  But I am SO glad her friends call and remind me of games, or just stay in touch. 
I know SHE KNEW her friends  would be there for us.  She picked GREAT friends.

And ANOTHER great friend was next on my list on this busy Saturday.  Angie.  Went to her FIRST baby shower.  Bennett Thomas is due to arrive November 12.  Hard to believe.  
She's excited and happy and looks great.  One more shower to go - next Sunday.  She's just about ready for his arrival!

Ok. So I saved the best for last.  

Monday after a busy day with the boys, we came home to relax, maybe even take a nap.
I was reading (yep, in that picture up there).  Max LOVES to work on puzzles, and I have lots of them.  He went out to their little table, picked a puzzle, came and sat on the floor next to me and said "I'm going to do this f*n puzzle)".  I THOUGHT I heard what he said, but wasn't sure...so I asked him.  "WHAT did you say Max?"  

He looked up, innocently, and said "I'm going to do this F*n puzzle."

I looked at Andrew, like I couldn't believe he said THAT, and Andrew said
"He said he's going to do that F*n puzzle".

Before I went outside to laugh, I looked at him and said "If your daddy said that, I'd have to put soap in his mouth.  That is a DIRTY word, Max."  

His bottom lip went out, quivering, "Are you mad at me Pamma?"

It was SO innocent.  
So while I was on the deck laughing, I was also dialing Nick.
"You need to stop dropping the "F" bomb in front of your kids!"

They are working on it.  

Hopefully, MAX won't drop the "F" bomb at school.  If he does, HOPEFULLY
they won't understand.  

We'll be working on it here too.  

(I can actually HEAR Melissa laughing at this one.  How I wish I could pick up the phone and call HER so SHE could post this.  ANOTHER thing I miss every day....)

Have a great fall.

Love you and miss you every single day Melissa.

Grief is....

this subject never gets old for me.

Just when I think I am "making" it, I have a setback.  Usually I can figure out what "triggers" it.  Right now, it's my birthday.  Tomorrow.  Last birthday with Melissa, we went shopping.  Me, Melissa and Mere.  Kohls.  She wasn't feeling good THEN.  She would sit down every couple of minutes, out of breath.  In August.  I was looking at jewelry and saw a ring (costume jewelry of course!) that looked like an engagement ring.  She asked me if I liked it.  I said yes, so she said "I'll buy it for your for your birthday, but you know we'll be engaged".    And I have worn it ever since.  My last birthday gift from her.

I haven't been able to sleep lately.  Actually, I cry myself to sleep...usually 3 am before I finally drift off.  You see, the grieving process is NEVER ending.  Especially when you lose a child.  So when I was reading the Compassionate Friends page yesterday and I came across GRIEF IS...  I had to share it.  It really explains not just what I am going through, but what a lot of bereaved parents are going through.  As always, it's one day at a time (some days one MOMENT at a time...)

***

Grief is:Swollen eyes,confusing,feeling of no connection to anything,good times can make you feel guilty,isolated,ashamed,migraines,no energy,loss of interest,feeling fear constantly,racing thoughts,an internal sadness,desperation,overwhelming fear that you will lose another,feeling of all your dreams are over,a feeling of I should not feel good or have any pleasure since my loved one can’t, happy one minute in complete desperation the next,a desire to die to be reunited with our loved ones.So when you ask me how I feel? I am unable to tell you all this…..Its hard to describe something when you are full of all this.So,I thought I would write you to let you know,it’s not you.I’m just grieving.Thanks for all you’re support.Please give me some time, how long I’m not sure.My heart is broken and my life is upside down.I hope you can understand,if not,that makes me sad.I have already lost enough,I don’t want to lose you…..

Angie Cartwright.

***
While I have been struggling to get through the last few days...Andrew and Max have been keeping me PLENTY busy on Mondays and Tuesdays.  Yesterday I went to their house first thing in the morning.  They played in their new sandbox, rode their new bikes, played some hoops on their new basketball hoop and a little t-ball on their new t-ball set, then met PopPop for lunch at McDonalds.  Today we went to the Air Force Museum, visited all three hangers and had a picnic lunch outside the museum.  They were both sound asleep when we got home.    The good thing is, I have lots of fun things planned for Mondays and Tuesdays.  Like Field Trips with Pamma, every time we're together.  Fun for all of us.  

And of course, I will close with photos of Andrew & Max.  Fort wouldn't have it any other way...

                                 Max with his new T-ball stuff...

 Max and GG (Great Grandma Fortener) and his new Thomas blanket (made by GG)

                              Drew with HIS blanket from GG

                                       New bikes

                            The BIRTHDAY BOY...Maxwell Irvin "3"

                                       New sandbox....

                        Lunch at McDonald's with PopPop and Pamma

                          Max with the astronaut @ AF Museum

                                                    Pilot

                                                Co-pilot

                                            ....WORN OUT!

...with new book on "Airplanes" FIRMLY in his hands! 


~~~~If you haven't been there, and you are ever in Dayton, be sure to visit the Air Force Museum...it is one of the very few FREE museums you can see.  Definitely worth your time. 

Have a good one...

Still playin' after all these years...

...and we WON.  League AND tournament!  Sponsored the last two years by Angie's Firehouse Tavern, this year we were in the over 35 league.  I KNOW Melissa would be so proud.  I think she was amazed that I was still playing at 50.  (that was the year I tore my hamstring, last game of the season against the BEST team in the league.  Thought I could beat out the throw to first from the best shortstop in the league...NOT.  I didn't, took a HUGE stride to beat out the throw and tore the hamstring, fell to the ground in a heap.  The other team thought I hit my head, so someone on their team called the squad.    Donny yelled "She's fine.  Get her off the field."  ME.  His wife.  Get her off the field.  Really?  Nick AND Melissa were BOTH at the game (Melissa had a treatment the next morning and was spending the night.) They ended up sitting in the emergency room with me (after following me in the ambulance to the hospital).  I thought I might have broken some ribs I hit the ground so hard.  The doctor in the ER actually told me "you are too old to be playing softball."  I don't know how to say this and be nice, but she was probably over 300 lbs....I wanted to say to her "and you're too *** to be a doctor."  But I didn't.  Why would you tell someone who is still ACTIVE to stop being active?????? Donny, Melissa and Nick ALL gave me a hard time, but NEVER told me to stop playing.  So I showed her...six years later and I'm STILL playing.  Kind of.  Me and Susie (one of our pitchers) will never let the team forfeit.  I did play in a few games this summer.  Not a great game for me tonight (0-3), but not too bad at first (for the two innings I played).  I'll do the same thing next year if Donny coaches.

So, summer is officially over.  Softball season is over and school has started...without me.  Making lists of lots of things I need to get done around the house.  It's hard to change things from the way they were when Melissa was here.  I know she would approve, but it's comforting to have things JUST the way they were when SHE was here.  One thing at a time....one day at a time.

 Drew and Max - getting ready for a visit to their new preschool

 Me & Mike Fink - good friend from high school in for reunion

Coach Fortener with trophy, and the 2012 Angie's Firehouse team -
League Champions AND Tournament Champions!