Who Am I?

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I think losing Dad is finally catching up with me.  Right after he died, I kept very busy getting ready for the holidays.  Then we went to Nashville for a couple of days.  All good.  I needed that.  Then, John's anniversary.  Melissa's anniversary.  Sue's Anniversary.  Melissa's birthday.  Thank goodness for basketball.  It helps us get through the holidays and the first week of January.  

Now, basketball is winding down, and it's hitting me that Dad is gone.  For the last five years, I spent a lot of time with him, especially the last two years when he moved back to Ohio.  I'm really missing him.

So the last couple of weeks I've been in a funk.  Donny is a good motivator to get me out.   I love taking walks, but not around a track inside (I prefer the great outdoors)!  But we do it.  I recently discovered Audible (I know, I'm WAY behind the times) and have several books to listen to.  Right now it's The Handmaids Tale.  Depressing, but very interesting.  And it keeps me walking.

Trying to get motivated to start downsizing around the house.  We have so much to get rid of, almost too overwhelming to even know where to start.  This morning, I woke up early, the sun was shining and I had a *twinge* of motivation.  So after a cup of coffee, I got started in Melissa's room.  The goal is to get rid of clothes, a dresser, clean out the cedar chest, closet and eventually paint.  And that's just the first room!  Got through the closet (it's still full, even though the bed is covered with clothes to get rid of), and started on the cedar chest.  Full of pictures, a folder with Mom stuff - her resume, which is amazing.  She had a pretty important job at WPAFB!  Everything in the cedar chest is sentimental - a letter from my grandma to mom (dated 1953) a couple of letters to mom from (boy?)friends in the service - one dated Sept 1953.  After she and Dad were married.  He did know that mom was married, talked about meeting Bob (Dad).    Mom journaled randomly in multiple places-spiral notebooks, tablets (the paper kind) and on envelopes.  Obviously didn't accomplish much here.  Too much reading, but uplifting.  I know I have to get this stuff organized.  It's a start.

In one of the folders, I found this.  Wow.  Synchronicity.  Something I needed today.

I Wear A Thousand Masks

I hope you won't be fooled by me for I wear a mask.  I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and one of them is me.

I am likely to give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one.  But I hope you won't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth...beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.  But I hide this.  I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.  That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to shield me from your understanding.  But such understanding is my salvation. My only salvation.  And I know it.

If I don't keep the mask in from of myself I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling feeling within.  And so my life becomes a front.  I idly chatter to you in the suave surface tones...I tell you everything that's nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.  So when I go into my routine, I hope you won't be fooled by what I'm saying.  I hope you listen carefully to hear what I'm not saying.

I dislike the superficial, phone game I'm playing.  I'd really like to be open, genuine and spontaneous. I want your help in doing this.  I want you to risk approaching me even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need.  I want this from you so I can be alive.  Each time you're kind, and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my courage to risk sharing myself with you increases. 

I want you to know how important you are to me, how can you be a creator of the person that is me if you choose.  But it will not be easy for you.  A long conviction of worthlessness leads me to maintain distance.

The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.  It is self-defeating but at the time it seems the safest thing to do.  I fight against the very things that I cry out for.  But I am told that empathy is stronger than walls and therein lies my hope.  I desperately want you to understand me in spite of my distancing tactics.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.  

I am every man and every woman you meet.

***

So as I started to read this, I knew this was about ME.  What I didn't realize was it wasn't JUST about me.  We all wear a mask sometimes.  Another reminder that "no matter how bad you have it, there's always someone who would love to have your problems".  I am not alone.  Time to get busy doing something.  And God knows, we have plenty to do right in our house!  A little sunshine and warm weather might help too.

And before I sign off,  I forgot to mention in the last post another sign we got from Melissa!

The night before I talked to the UD Women's basketball team, I couldn't sleep.  I tossed and turned because my brain wouldn't turn off.  I was going over what I was going to say to the team. I didn't want to leave anything out, how was I going to present her story (even though I'd done it before). So at 4 a.m.,  wide awake, I went downstairs and fell asleep on the couch.  At 7 a.m., Donny came down and sat next to me.  I woke up and proceeded to tell him that " I couldn't sleep, tried to figure out what I was going to say to the basketball team, etc."  As I was telling him this, my phone was on the table behind me charging.  And suddenly, my phone said "I'M HERE".  ???????

I sat up, Donny and I looked at each other wondering WHO was here???  Melissa????

I told Nick the next day, he (kind of burst my bubble) said "Mom, it was SIRI.  You don't have to be holding your phone for SIRI to respond to you."

So, my phone sitting on the table next to me, I said "SIRI".  It responded, but in typing.  I couldn't get her to say "I'M HERE."  

I'm inclined to believe that since Melissa has figured out a way to communicate via the puzzle (she has pretty strong energy!) she's now figuring out how to communicate through SIRI!!!  Oh how I wish.  I would love to get messages like that from her every day.  Maybe someday a phone call.  

I'm dreaming again....and wishing.  

Love Endures

Way back in 1974, when I was a senior in high school, I was a reporter for the school newspaper. One of the things you had to do after you wrote a story was come up with a headline.  It wasn't so difficult back then.  Now, when I have something to post, it takes me longer to come up with a title for the post than the post itself.

But this time it was easy.  In a couple of weeks, I am the presenter at our Compassionate Friends meeting.  I am not creative at all with ideas, thank goodness other people are!  The meeting will be about staying connected to our children through rituals.  Things to do to keep your child's memory alive.

This fits in perfectly with this post.  It is so important to us (and to all parents who have lost a child) to talk about their child.  Say their name.  HEAR their name.  Some people get tattoos. (I haven't yet, but have thought a lot about it.  SOME day!) For Melissa, we had a fundraiser not long after she passed away to raise money for a scholarship in her name.  We put a bench (that she wanted for classmates who had passed before her) outside the athletic office.  The Fairmont basketball team has taken on the FORT 5K in Melissa's memory, and they give a Spirit Award in her name every year at the banquet.  The Kelts Rugby Club holds an annual Breast Cancer Fundraiser in memory of Fort. 

One of the things that I love the most is talking about Melissa.  Telling her story.  Each year we are invited to tell Melissa's story at the Fairmont basketball Pink Game.  

And three times I have been invited to talk to the UD Women's Basketball team about Melissa and her journey with breast cancer.  The game is tomorrow (Sunday, Feb 17).  I talked to the girls yesterday before films/practice.  

What makes this particular visit so important to me?  The age of the girls I am sharing Melissa's story with.    I know that these girls are anywhere from 18-21 - that means some of them were born in 2000.  Melissa was diagnosed in 2003, when she was 25.  She could be there MOTHER!!! (which means I could be their grandmother!!!)  I sure didn't feel that old when I was talking to them.  

They are close to the age Melissa was when she was diagnosed, and it is so important to me to share what I know NOW, that I wish I knew THEN.    Some of the girls have heard her story more than once.  The story never changes, unfortunately.   I could talk about her forever.  I hope this time I told a story I didn't tell the last time. When I talk to the UD girls, I have the outline in my head.  No 3X5 cards, usually (although this time I did write a few facts about BC down to share so I wouldn't forget.   

I did forget to tell them the reason we go to so many basketball games. It was the last thing Melissa wanted to do.  She came home from Hospice on a Friday.  The next day, Fairmont had a home game, and she wanted to go.  I was VERY hesitant, because, OMG there might be sick people there. I didn't want her to get sick (I forgot she was dying of cancer).  When the doctor came in to release her, she said "Can I go to a basketball game tomorrow?"  The doctor said "She can do anything she wants to do.  You have enough oxygen." Of course I got that "Told you so" look.    The next morning, a couple of her friends came to visit.  She slept the rest of the day.  Never got to go to the basketball game.  After she passed away, the first thing I was able to do was to go to a basketball game.  For her.  And we haven't stopped.  Ten years later.  Fairmont girls, UD Women, Notre Dame (when Kathryn was playing), Wright State (when Chelsea was playing), and occasionally a boys game!  Basketball gets us through the holidays (which are still hard) her anniversary, birthday...keeps us busy.  And gets us to spring.  Otherwise I would prefer to skip NOV/DEC/JAN.  But we can't.  So we follow basketball instead.  Melissa would love that.

So, although you didn't know it, you help us get through the rough times (all the teams we follow).

The other thing I forgot to tell them was that she is better known as FORT than Melissa.  Got that nickname in high school from her best friend.  And it stuck.  I'm not sure many of her college friends even knew her name was Melissa!

The first year I talked to UD,  Jim Jabir was the head coach.  We came into the gym right after practice was over and told Melissa's story and gave them all FORT bracelets.  Coach Jabir wore that bracelet to every game.  It was like Melissa was on the court for every game.

When he left, I ran into Shauna Green, the new Head Coach, at one of the Fairmont games.  I thought she looked familiar, so I introduced myself, told her I talked to the team when Jabir was there.  She was an assistant under Jabir and remembered when I came to talk to the team.  Then she asked if I would talk to them again.  Of course, they all got bracelets again, AND keychains.  And what do you know?  Coach Green wears her bracelet to every game now too!  Makes my heart happy.

This time I asked if we could get a picture with the team.  The coaches were all wonderful.  Arnika Edwards, the Director of Basketball Operations for the Women's team is a breast cancer survivor.  So is Linda Waltz, the Administrative Assistant in the office.  I talked to them too.  We have something in common.  I also shared the book Melissa made - FORT'S CHEMO FUN book.  Gave several copies to Linda to share with anyone who knows anyone going through chemo.  

The most important thing to me is to stress the importance of being proactive.  Don't wait if there are changes in your breasts - get it checked ASAP.  And if there is nothing, LUCKY YOU!!!!  Early detection is the key.  There are more breast cancer survivors than any other cancer.  It is beatable if you get it early.  There were 16 young women in that room.  One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime.  The possibility that one of them will be diagnosed in the future is real.  

I ended with the all the positive things in the last ten years (knowing that I would trade them all in if we could have Melissa back)....the scholarship, all the things I listed above, and most recently a contribution to Hospice of Dayton for a Stationery Room - pens, notecards, journals - something Melissa wanted to do for Hospice.

Love endures.  It never ends, even after death.  I will never stop loving my daughter, I will never stop sharing her story (as long I have a captive audience)!

Thank you Coach Green, staff, and team for listening. Again.  You made our hearts happy.

2018-19 UD Women's Basketball team

A Gift for Melissa

Forty one years ago today, right now, I was in labor in the hospital.    Woke up around 5 a.m. with contractions.  I remember having everything ready to go, including a deck of cards, in case we would be there for awhile!  Not necessary.  We got to the hospital around 5:30, our beautiful daughter, Melissa Marie, was born at 1:19 p.m.

It was a balmy, calm morning for January.  No snow on the ground. Yet.

Two days later (yep, they used to let you stay for a couple of days) we were ready to go home.
Our car wouldn't start.  So Donny called his college roommate and best friend, Rick Kayser, to the rescue.  Melissa and I were in the front seat (I was holding her!) and Donny was in the back seat.  We drove by the Fortener house where there were a new Grandma and Grandpa and seven aunts and uncles waiting to see the baby.  By the time we went home, there was snow on the ground and it was starting to pile up.  So I held her up to the window for them to see.

Two weeks later we had a blizzard.  The Blizzard of '78.  I wasn't going anywhere anyway, so being stuck in the house wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

It was the beginning of a Wonderful Life.  Truly.

We were young and inexperienced and didn't know any better.  About anything.  But we survived.  We thrived.

Melissa was a good baby and a couple years later became a big sister.  Then life got more interesting.
***
When Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer, I started carrying a spiral notebook in my purse to take notes at doctor appointments, chemo treatments, notes during phone calls.  By December of 2008, I had seven spiral notebooks filled with information, not just notes, but anecdotal information too.  Things Melissa said that I didn't want to forget.

About a month ago, I was reading through the last one.  I came to December 16, 2008.   Melissa was talking about wanting to do something for Hospice (she was in Hospice at the time).  Melissa never had enough pens/paper/notebooks/thank you notes/notecards.  Or sparkly pens.  She thought Hospice needed a Stationery Room.

I remember thinking about that right after she passed away.  Wanting to do something like that for her.  But a lot of other things happened instead.  We did a lot of things that made US happy.  And others remembered Melissa.  An Award in Melissa's memory for the Fairmont Girls Basketball Program.  A bench outside the athletic office.  An amazing Scholarship Fundraiser.  (So far 21 $1000 Scholarships have been awarded to students Fairmont High School, along with fees for Pay to Participate to seven students at Fairmont.  The Cincinnati Kelts give the Keltic Pride Award in Fort's memory every year at their banquet.  Donations to the Kelts for their Foundation to build a new pitch.
The Fort 5K.  Three Susan Komen 3 Day/60 Mile Walks.

All things that we wanted.  Or her friends wanted.  To remember her.   All things that made US happy.

Now we can do something that SHE wanted!  Her Scholarship fund has grown (thanks to the Dreambuilders Foundation that invests the money) and thanks to the continued support of the Cincinnati Kelts.  Their donation from the Breast Cancer Fundraiser every fall takes care of the Scholarships that are awarded every spring.

Finally we can do something that SHE wanted!!!!

I've talked to the Foundation Director of Donations at Hospice, and we will be donating money to start a "Stationery Room".    They do not have a dedicated space for something like this, but there are ways we can fulfill her dream.  They have a cart that they take from room to room with snacks.  They will add Pens/Notecards/Journals/Thank You Notes to the cart.  All free to anyone who is a patient at Hospice or their families.    Also talking about maybe having a display in the Family/Friend lobbies at the end of each hall with stationery.

When I mentioned Journals, the director started telling me about a camp they run every summer for kids (7-17) who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  "It's a typical camp.  Swimming, hiking, fishing.  But they also have sessions where they talk about their loss AND Journal."

So we are donating journals for the camp as well.  AND she has someone designing a cover for the journals - incorporating FORT/butterflies/B POSITIVE in the design.

Our gift to her.  And every year on her birthday we will make sure that the Stationery Room is funded.

Happy Birthday Melissa Marie!  I know this is a gift you would love.  And nothing could make us happier.

Love you Miss you.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

TEN

years I have been posting here.

This is still Melissa's blog.  It was her journey,  now it's her MOM's journey.

How in the world do you survive ONE DAY when you lose a child?  I had a couple of role models.
My parents and my daughter.

My parents, they lost their only son (my only brother) when he was 17.  I was 18.  We were pretty close.  I was just out of high school, working full time when Steve passed away unexpectedly at home.  As far as I know, there was no organization like Compassionate Friends in 1975.  At least no one reached out to my parents like they do now.   After my brother died, my mom and dad never talked about him...it was like he never existed.  Except at Christmas, my Mom always put up all of our stockings.  It's the only way I knew that she still thought about my brother.  I remember my mom eventually went back to work, and every day she would come home and go straight to bed.
When I got married a year later, my mom was not involved at all.  I didn't understand then, but I do NOW.  We were planning a huge celebration and part of our family was missing.  I honestly don't know how my mom and dad survived not talking about him.

A week before Mom passed away, she was in the hospital.  We were sitting there one day and all of a sudden, she said "Steve! Get down from there!"  Evidently my brother was in the room...waiting for my Mom I'm sure.  She was looking up in the corner of the room...we didn't see anything, but MOM did!

My Dad would occasionally talk about Steve and baseball.  Dad believed that Steve would have played for the Cincinnati Reds.  When your child is gone, you can believe anything you want!
We took Dad to a Compassionate Friends picnic a couple of years ago.  We had a balloon release and we all wrote messages on our balloons to our loved ones - Dad wrote more than anyone.  I think it was the first time he "talked" to my brother.  40 years later.

After Mom passed away, my sister Sue passed away in 2013.  My Dad lost two children.  His way of dealing with Sue's death was to move to Florida permanently.  Move away from the memories. Whatever works is what you do to get through the loss of a child.  (It will be six years for Sue on Melissa's birthday this Saturday, January 5.)

Melissa lost her first and only child.  I had no idea what to say. It was the second time I couldn't help my daughter.  I couldn't make her cancer better, and I couldn't take her grief away.  I know NOW the pain she was in, but I had never experienced that pain.  She lost JP on Oct 19, 2003. Two months later, on Christmas Eve, I begged her to go to church with us.  All I wanted was our entire family to go to church together.  She was not ready for that, but she and John went anyway.  As soon as we sat down, a young couple with a brand new baby sat down in front of us.  Melissa and John got up and left.

I learned a lot of things from my parents and my daughter.
First of all, holding in the pain and not talking about them is not good for your health.  My mom survived 32 years without my brother.  She was never the same after Steve died.  I often wonder how our lives would have been different had Steve not died.  Sue's life would have been different for sure.
She and Steve were very close too.  I'm not sure if my Mom had anyone to talk to after my brother died.  Even forty years ago, it was something you just didn't talk about.

I remember getting the phone call from John (from the ambulance) when Melissa went into labor. "THE BABY'S  COMING, THE BABY'S COMING" was all I heard - THAT and the siren in the background.  I have no idea how we found the hospital in Cincinnati (Bethesda North), but we did.
It was the most heart wrenching scene you could ever imagine. John Patrick was born sleeping.  We got to stay with them and John Patrick until Melissa was ready to go.  She did not want to leave him at the hospital.  It was awful.
I remember her getting back on her feet, going back to work, playing rugby, getting chemo treatments, living that B POSITIVE life that she wrote about on this blog.  I worried a lot about her.  Donny would always say "she has another battle to fight".  That's what kept her going.  She wanted to LIVE.  And LIVE she did.  Every day.  But I also know that SHE wore the mask.  The mask that we wear now.  Smile when you are in public.  Cry when you are in your car, in the shower, or alone anywhere.  She only cried a couple of times in front of me.  It was really hard for her when her friends started having babies.  It's all she wanted.  Kids.  Three of them.

So my role models, my parents and my daughter, both dealt with the death of their child in similar ways.  They didn't talk about them much.  But they kept living their lives.  Mom and Dad still had all of us over for the holidays.  OF COURSE they should.  We were still LIVING.  They did it for us.
Behind closed doors, I know they talked about my brother.  They wore "the mask" to be strong for everyone else.  Because that's what we do.  We keep everyone safe from the thought that this could be THEM.  If we are smiling, everything is OK.  Whew.  "They are back to normal."

Not "normal".  "New Normal" is more like it.  Not a normal that we want.  But we learn to live with the pain.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  It NEVER goes away.  Ever.  Imagine for a couple of seconds (bet you can't do it for a couple of minutes) that you will never see your child again.  EVER.
I can see you shaking your head trying to get that thought out of your head.  Can't even go there.
In fact, all of us have heard "I don't know how you do it.  I couldn't."

Now - watch your friends who have walked this walk.  Somehow, we (yep, there's a lot of us out there) eventually learn to go to the grocery store.  To answer the phone.  To go back to work.  Took me a year to do some of those things. Some things I still can't do.  I went to a session at the Compassionate Friends Conference about working through your grief.    About how everything in your life is now "Before Melissa and After Melissa."  How your life starts over after you lose a child...you are "born again" in a way.  You start out crawling.  Sleep a lot.  Can't get up without help. That's the first couple of months.   They called it your "age in grief years"  Just like an infant you are learning to live (again).

I am TEN in grief years.

I am still a YOUTH in grief years.  I still have a lot to learn.  I make mistakes.  I'm making new friends (just like a ten year old) - a lot through Compassionate Friends.

How in the world can it be ten years???  When I look at all the photos I've taken over the years, it keeps her close to me.  We made great memories.   We took a couple of trips together after she was diagnosed.  We were BOTH picture takers.  She was determined to leave memories for us.  VISUAL memories.  I need those.

I remember December 2008 like it was yesterday.  EVERY detail.  I remember how excited she was to come home from Hospice for Christmas.  She said "This is the BEST Christmas EVER."  It was just us - Melissa, John, Me, Donny, Nick, Mere & Andrew.  It was quiet. Peaceful.  Andrew was just starting to walk - in fact - he took his first steps to Melissa.

She loved having visitors.  When I kind of pushed back a little because I thought she needed to rest, she asked me not to discourage visitors.  She WANTED them.   She wanted everyone to know she was going back to work.  Always positive.  Until she went back to Hospice a couple of days after Christmas.  Then she said "Let's keep this on the DL."  She slept a lot that last week.   Unless Drew was visiting.  She loved visits from her nephew.

January 2, 2009.  She slept a lot that day.  I had asked her friends to send birthday cards - she got a lot that day.  I read every birthday card to her - they were all on the bookshelf where she could see them.
That night, Nick Mere and Andrew came to visit.  She was so excited to see them.  They left around 7:30...Nick said "See you in the morning Fort.  Love you."

She said "Love you Nick."

That was the last thing she said.  She went to sleep after he left.  I was on one side of the bed, John was on the other.  I stayed awake all night.  I didn't want to miss ONE minute.  One breath.  I wanted to memorize her body.  Her hands.  They seemed so small that night...Some time in the middle of the night there was a tear.  One tear from her right eye.  Was she crying because she was leaving? Or was she crying because she was seeing her son for the first time in five years?  I held her hand all night.
She took her last breath at 5:18 a.m.  My beautiful daughter.  My pretty girl....

So how do you survive even ONE minute without your child?   I remember crying every day for two years.  It's amazing that the body can make that many tears.  I curled up in a ball on the couch and didn't do a whole lot.  It was easy to do because it was winter.

But when I go back and look at pictures, it wasn't all tears.  There were smiles too...


In ten years, I (we) accomplished a lot.
-We went on Spring Break 3 months after Melissa passed away.  I didn't want to go, but we did.
-With the help of Angie and several other people, we organized a fundraiser in October that raised $24,000 for a Scholarship in Melissa's name.
-Did the 3 Day 60 mile Breast Cancer Walk in Atlanta two more times (first time was with Melissa) -and several fundraisers to raise $$ for the walks.
-Visited John and Diana in NC
-Reconnected with old friends (Marianne and Jaye who were my support group when I started taking care of Dad - they are taking care of their parents too)
-Reconnected with Wilmington friends who lost their daughter to Ovarian cancer, went on multiple cruises and trips with them
-FORT 5K - started by Bob Franz and his daughter Chelsea, now organized by the Fairmont Girls Basketball team - 5th annual 5K will be May 11 this year.
-Followed basketball to get through the difficult winter months - Fairmont/Notre Dame/OSU/Wright State/UD. Went to Final Four and National Championship Game to see Kathryn Westbeld play for ND - and WIN the National Championship
-Donny played in the Senior Olympics for Softball the summer after Melissa passed away
-I went on a trip with MM friends to Cape Cod the summer after Melissa passed (didn't want to go, but decided at the last minute to go.  So glad I did - it was our last vacation with Jackie- she was diagnosed with cancer when we got back from the trip. Also multiple other trips with MM Friends).
-Watched our grandsons play baseball, football.
-Nick and Mere lived with us on weekends for a couple of months when their house was being built.
-Joined Compassionate Friends - monthly meetings - made a lot of close friends (Randi and Carolyn) and attended National Conference in Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Phoenix,Orlando,  St. Louis and this year Philadelphia. Made new friends at every conference.
-Somehow survived the closing of Moraine Meadows the year after Melissa passed away. Transferred to Greenmont for 2 years, then retired.
-Attended all but one Cincinnati Kelts Breast Cancer Fundraisers.
-Went to California for a Conference for Donny (work related), went to Disney, San Diego (toured the USS Midway Aircraft Carrier that dad served on), also got tickets for the ELLEN Show.
-Took care of Dad for five years.
-Lost some along the way...my best friend Jackie and her husband Mike, my second mom, Ruth and her husband Bruce, my Sister and best friend Sue, good friends Mark and Bonnie Franz, and recently my Dad.
-Made some good friends along the way too.  Randi and Carolyn, Mange, Mary and all their friends in Portsmouth, JaVonna Layfield from UD.  And some wonderful parents of some wonderful basketball players at Fairmont.
-Planned three funerals - Jackie, Sue, Dad.
-Still walking 2-4 miles a day.

Seems like 10 years ago was YESTERDAY.  How did all that happen?   There were a lot of things I DIDN'T do, and I think those are the things people noticed.  I didn't go out as much (especially in groups).  I didn't respond to every invitation.  I had to change things up a little to get through.  But I (we) didn't stop living.  Not at all.
A lot of positive things happened.
 (I'll share one on Melissa's birthday - her birthday gift from us this year).

***
That's what I can remember.  Have I changed in ten years?  ABSOLUTELY.    I have different friends.    The friends that I was close with ten years ago aren't necessarily the ones I am closest to now (with the exception of two or three)...I stopped participating in group outings.  Too difficult.  STILL too difficult. (unless it's a group of Melissa's friends)Looking back, somehow we learned to LIVE again.   My life has changed.  I am not the same person I was ten years ago.  THAT person had a beautiful daughter.   I miss her more than you can even imagine.  She was my best friend.  My confidante.  She gave me advice on a daily basis.  She helped me decide what to wear.  Or not to wear.  She borrowed my clothes.  My makeup.  Anything she wanted.   We loved to do things together .  We got to take a couple of trips together.
Not enough though.  None of that was enough.  I wish I had new pictures.  I wish I had more time.
She was an absolute treasure.  And now all I have are the memories....

In ten years - Donny and I have a closer relationship.  Nick and I are closer.  We have wonderful friends through common loss that I can't imagine not having.  We are only friends because we have the loss of a child in common.    We have been able to help others who experience this loss...and have learned that helping is healing.  We learned to laugh again.  We've learned that we are not alone.

 I've learned that in order to get through, it's best to take one day at a time.  Thinking about a future without my daughter is too hard.  I just get through today.  Do I still have bad days?  Yep.  Especially days where I have time to think.  That's a conundrum...thinking about her makes me sad...not thinking about her leaves me afraid that I'll forget something...I choose to THINK about her.  Often.  Memories make me smile.  Not having the opportunity to make NEW memories makes me sad.

I KNOW now that I am not getting farther away from her (in the beginning that's what it felt like).
EVERY DAY is ONE DAY CLOSER to seeing her again.

And it makes my heart happy that she is with her Grandpa.  And he is with her.  They were two peas in a pod.

January 3, 2019

Melissa 10 years in heaven...

Grandpa one month in heaven.

This makes my heart happy.

Love you Miss you Melissa (and Dad)!!!!

A Tribute to My Dad

There was a celebration in heaven on Monday...Dad joined my Mom, Steve, Sue, Melissa, John, JP, his Mom and Dad and all his lifelong friends who passed before him.  What a celebration it was I KNOW.

His services were last night and today at Holy Trinity Church (where his Mom and Dad were married, Mom and Melissa were buried from Trinity and Nick and Mere were married there.)

 There were Naval Officers and a Naval Bugler at the Cemetery...Dad would have loved it.

This was my Eulogy...my TRIBUTE TO MY DAD:

How do you put into words 88 years of a life well lived?  It’s not easy.

Dad was born May 31, 1930 (Actually, I found a small card that has Dad's footprint on it - when he was born.  There was a handwritten notation on the card that said "This child was born after midnight. So maybe his birthday was June 1, but it was May 31 on his official Birth Certificate!)  to Clarence & Mildred Rotert.  He had three older siblings Ethel, Anna Mae & Benny, all teenagers..and they spoiled him rotten.  They must have told him he was right all the time, because that stayed with him all his life.

He grew up in East Dayton (right around the corner on E. Fourth St.) and made lifelong friends there.  Bob Walters, Jim Walker (who he joined the Navy with in 1949) Jack Nowling and Dick Mayer.  They (and their families)were  family to us.  We went on camping trips with them, they had monthly parties for years.  I wish I could tell some of those stories, but they aren’t stories that were meant for Church!  The kids all stay in touch still

Dad went to Holy Trinity through 8^th grade, then Graduated from Parker Co-op in 1948. He joined the Navy in 1949.  He proudly served on the USS Midway from 1949-1953. 

He met mom when he was stationed in Philadelphia (He went to a dance and had a date with another girl.  Dad asked her to get a date for his buddy…it was Mom.  He was more interested in Mom, and well, the rest is history!)

They married June 6, 1953 – had four children – Donna, Pam (me) Steve and Sue.    (When Mom introduced Dad to her family – her parents and five brothers – they thought his name was Robert (ROTERT) and started calling him BOB.  So in Philly they were Uncle Bob and Aunt Re.  In Dayton they were Uncle Irvin and Aunt Mickey.)

We eventually settled in Beavercreek, where we went to St. Helens.  Dad was an usher there for many years, and served as the Festival Chairman in the late 60s.

Dad taught us the love of the outdoors – we went camping, boating, and Old River every summer (because he worked at NCR)  We camped out in the backyard every summer with neighborhood kids.  He taught us how to fish (which I never liked).    He taught me the love of sports – he played softball for NCR, he loved watching the UD Flyers (especially in the 60s) and Ohio State Football.   He also taught me how to play sports.  I am left handed, but play sports right handed, because that’s how he taught me!  Sports are a big part of my life – my families life to this day. 

I had the chance to tell Dad this last week.  I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to tell him the difference he made in my life.  He said “At least I accomplished something!” 

We had a great childhood.  We had a dog, Dixie, that Dad took hunting. He was an outdoor dog. Dad built him a doghouse, and made sure that it had plenty of straw in the winter – sometimes even blankets.  But when it got really cold, Dad would let Dixie inside.  But she had to stay in the kitchen.  I remember one night at dinner, we had peas and carrots.  I DID NOT like peas and carrots.  Dad told me I had to take one bite, and that I would sit there until I did.  I told him “Fine. I’ll sit here all night, I’m not eating them.” When Dad left the room, I held my plate down for Dixie.  Dixie LOVED peas!!!   Dad taught me PERSERVERANCE.   Everybody won.

When we went camping, we would unload the boat when we got there. Dad would get in the boat and hand things out to us.  The first thing he handed us was a lawn chair for mom.  She would sit down with a beer and a cigarette while we set up camp.  I never understood why we had to do all the work and mom got to sit down…until I was a mom.  Then I realized that Mom did all the work BEFORE we left – laundry, packing, grocery shopping for the trip.  I don’t think mom liked camping in the beginning, and Dad must have promised her that “HE would do everything”.  He was pretty smart.  He taught me a GOOD WORK ETHIC.

We took our first trip to Florida the summer of ’74.  Usually on long trips Dad & Mom shared the driving.  But this time Dad let me do part of the driving. I had the leg through Tennessee and the mountains.  It was my first experience of driving on the highway (if you know that part of 75, it’s a pretty scary drive!)  Mom kept saying, “She’s driven enough” and Dad said “She’s fine”.  He trusted me.  To this day, I drive that leg of the trip whenever we drive south!

Mom was the investor.  Dad was the spender .  He LOVED to spend money.  He got what he wanted – a boat, a camper, a 5^th wheel, a Carry out-the Beer Center. Yep.  They bought a carry-out (I think it had to do with the fact that Dad loved beer, so he thought he’d be good at selling it).  It was another of his “Hair brained Schemes” as Grandma (his mom) put it.

Dad was the life of the party.  He was a people person.  Everybody loved him….and he told me that on many occasions. 

He worked for Raj Soin at Modern Technologies.  Dad said “He loved me, because he loved politics and he thought I looked like Donald Rumsfeld”

Which he did.

When they moved to Florida and he joined the VFW, he became a regular.  Like Norm.  In Cheers.  Everybody knew Dad’s name “IRV” everyone would say when he walked into the bar.  I talked to them the other day.  She said “We loved Irv!”  He was right!

He was ALWAYS right.  Well sometimes.  Once when he called me, must have been February, he said “We have one less day this year.” (because it was leap year)  I said “No, Dad.  We have one MORE day. It’s leap year.”  He argued with me for a minute, and finally I asked him where he was.  The VFW of course.  I said “is there anyone sitting next to you?  Ask them.”  When he came back he said “You’re right”.  He didn’t admit that very often.

Got to the point the last couple of years that I learned to pick my battles.  He could be right all the time.  It made him happy.

Dad had a great life. He travelled, he had lots of friends.  Singing made him the happiest.  He loved to sing Karake.  And he was good at it.  He started his singing career right here at Trinity in the choir.  I believe he sang Ave Maria in one of his sister’s weddings. 

He and mom eventually bought a place in Melbourne Florida.  He loved Florida.

There was tragedy in Dad’s life as well.  He lost two children. Steve (his only son)  in 1975 and Sue in 2013.  And a granddaughter, our daughter, Melissa.  And a great grandson.  After Sue died, he decided to stay in Florida permanently.   He taught me to HAVE HOPE. (that you can survive the loss of not ONE child, but two.)

He lived in assisted living for two years in Florida in a beautiful place on the Indian River.  But he finally decided to move home to be closer to his family. 

He had to adjust to another home.-Traditions of Beavercreek- And he did – they had Happy Hour every day, which he didn’t miss very often.  He taught everyone to play rummy – HIS version, HIS rules.  They all adapted.  Although the woman who was playing with us made the comment one time “This isn’t how we play rummy in Wisconsin”.   Dad never wore his hearing aides (Which might have been because she and I talked the entire time we played and it drove Dad crazy)  so he never heard her comments. One time, he slapped his hand on the table and kind of yelled and said “YOUR TURN”.  She looked at me and said “Did you have to put up with this all your life???”

He loved when his whole family was around him…we had a family Christmas party at Traditions last year on December 3…he loved having everyone together.  He loved visits from his Grandchildren, great grandchildren (David, Neveah, Jessie, Andrew & Maxwell Irvin) –  and his Friday visits from Nick.  He loved that Matthew was living in his house and taking care of it.  He loved when Jessica and Becky came to visit.   Donna was with him every morning, I was with him every night.  He looked forward to those every day visits!

Dad and Melissa were very close.  One night, they were both at our house (and John too).  Melissa wanted to go to Taggarts (a bar) and wanted us to go.  It was 9:00 and too late for us…but NOT Dad!  He went with them and their friends.  I have a video she took.  Some day I’ll post that.  He had a great time with her. 

Family was important to Dad – he was very close to his nieces and nephews-close in age too-he was more like a cousin than an uncle and enjoyed doing things with them too.

A couple of months ago he stopped going to Happy Hour.  And the dining room.  He was running out of gas.

The activities director told me they missed Dad playing cards – but they were still playing by IRV’s RULES.

After he passed, about 10 of his caregivers came to say Goodbye.

There were a lot of tears.  He was right.  THEY ALL LOVED HIM.  And he loved them.  If you got a kiss on your hand you KNEW- I think most of them did!  He taught me to TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

Irvin J, Irv, Bob…he did it all. 

Coach, fisherman, outdoorsman, athlete

Singer. Jack of all Trades… And willing to share his birthday with his son-in-law for 45 years…

But most of all, a great husband, DAD, Grandpa, Great Grandpa, Uncle and Friend. 

I didn’t realize until I sat down and started reminiscing what an impact my Dad made on my life.  I am like him in so many ways.

I miss you already Dad.

I love you.

10 Years

Not even sure where to start. 

So I guess this is as good as any.  I think I found this on one of our stops to St. Louis this summer. 

A weekly planner for 2019.  Gotta start Being positive SOMETIME, so it might as well be 2019.

Reflecting on my last post, CAREGIVING 101, I realized I can give great advice, I just don't follow it myself.  Typical.  I have learned in the last 10 years that if you haven't lived it, it's probably not a good idea to give advice about it.  Anything.  And even if you HAVE lived it (anything) every situation is different.

The last couple of months have been overwhelming.  Without going into a lot of detail, it is mostly about taking care of my Dad.  I am not writing about this because I want pity.  I just want patience.  God knows Donny has had the patience of Job in the last few months.  I don't know why he's stuck around.  

I think the last piece of advice I gave about Caregiving was "take care of yourself.  You can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself".  Easier said than done.

Part of the issue here is the timing.  I am not a holiday person anymore (patience please).  Every year, the Monday before Thanksgiving brings back the memories of the beginning of the end for Melissa.  She went into the hospital that Monday.  She was in the hospital for Thanksgiving.  I had planned to have a "Kroger Thanksgiving" that year.  Melissa hadn't been feeling well, and I was spending most of my time with her.  When she went into the hospital, I cancelled those plans.  If you followed her blog, you know that she never came out of the hospital - from the hospital she went to Hospice.  She did get to come home for Christmas for ten days.  

So this year, it's just like THAT year.  Only this year it's Dad.   I'm having a hard time even thinking about the holidays.  Usually by this time (yes, after Melissa I eventually got back into the spirit, even if just a little bit) I have a box full of Christmas gifts.  Haven't bought the FIRST thing.  Haven't even thought about it.  Until now.  All of a sudden, every time I go into the store I am surrounded by Christmas stuff.  It might not get done this year.  

I did take my OWN advice and am seeing a counselor.  At Hospice.  Because Dad has Hospice care, they offer counseling (one on one AND group) for Caregivers.  Going to my second session tomorrow...10 years after Melissa went to the Hospital.  That Monday before Thanksgiving.  

If you read this, I would love to meet you for coffee sometime.  Or lunch.  Or you can come to my house for coffee.  I have a hard time reaching out.  I know the phone goes both ways, but I have a hard time asking for help.  

Got a call from a friend last week and I went to lunch and a movie (part of my homework from my counselor).  It felt good.  Donny & I have gone to a couple of basketball games already.  Our respite from reality.  

I will probably avoid Facebook on Thanksgiving.  This one will be just me and my Dad.  More than likely will be his last and I am not leaving him home alone.  So Wednesday, we'll have the boys, take them to a movie and have a Bob Evans Thanksgiving dinner.  Leftovers will go with me to Dad's and we'll watch football, movies and I'll take pictures.  

I am thankful that he is only five minutes away.  I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads (whenever I am feeling sorry for myself, I remember what Melissa always said "No matter how bad you have it, there is always someone who would love to be in your shoes!") Right now, there are 1000's of people in California who are living in tents and lost EVERYTHING in those fires.  I have nothing to complain about.  Really.   

Enjoy your family celebrations.  You are blessed if you have a family to celebrate with!  When I was in high school, I volunteered at the Thanksgiving Dinner that Elder Beerman used to put on.  It was open to anyone who wanted to come.  I appreciate the places that continue to serve Thanksgiving to people who have no family, are lonely or don't have the means to have their own Thanksgiving dinner.  

And I am looking forward to spending the day with Dad.  All he wants is lemon pie.  I used to make it every Thanksgiving.  Hmmmm....maybe I'll try again this week.  If I fail, there's always Mahaffie's!

And of course, nothing makes me happier than my grandsons.  They are growing into smart, kind, handsome young men.  Love them with all my heart.... (they got to go to the Bengals game last Sunday with their Dad & Mimi's husband Mike).

Andrew - 5th grade already!

Max - 3rd grade

Enjoy the holidays.  I'm working on it - posting on the blog was a start.  I continue to be a work in progress....

CAREGIVING 101

Haven't been here in awhile.  It's been a crazy couple of months.  I'm spending a lot of time with my Dad lately.  He's rebounded somewhat, but needs help getting out of bed, dressed, and undressed and back into bed at night.  I'm there daily (sometimes 2 or 3 times a day).  Thankfully, he's only five minutes away.

I needed a little motivation to get back on here.  My Dad was part of that motivation, and the other was my friend JaVonna (Layfield-UD Basketball?)  I got a message from her the other day - she was just checking in.   She's playing in Portugal now.  (That just amazes me.  I'm on a cell phone and we are talking like we are sitting next to each other.  I will NEVER understand this.)  Anyway, we talked a little about Melissa, a little about basketball.  I reminded her that if she gets bored (which she must have been because she messaged ME) she could always read the blog.  She said "I read the blog all the time!! But please!!! I need some more."  So here I am JaVonna.  This post is for you.  Kind of.  Actually it won't be very helpful for you right now, maybe in the future.  But YOU motivated me to get on here again, and I thank you for that!

OH.  And before I get on to CAREGIVING 101, I want to share this.  JaVonna got a tattoo right before she left for Portugal to play basketball.  She messaged me a couple of weeks before she had it done and told me what she was going to do.  I'm pretty sure I knew why she chose B POSITIVE to be part of the tattoo - I asked her what the significance of the sunflower was.  "The sunflower is a sign of positivity and perseverance.  No matter the weather-or what it endures, it always shines brightly and it's always standing."  She's a smart girl.  I'm sure it's not easy moving to a different country by yourself.  She needs to stay positive.  B POSITIVE.  Wish I could go see her play.  Will miss her on the court at UD this year!  Thanks JaVonna!!!!

I have been thinking about posting about this for a while now.  I have been Dad's primary caregiver for the last five years.  And WOW have I learned a lot.  One thing I learned when I was Melissa's caregiver was I had a LOT to learn.  And I learned from other people who were caregivers.  So I thought I'd share some of that insight.  

What I have found is that all I have to do is mention that I'm taking care of my elderly father and inevitably, if I'm talking to someone remotely close to my age, they are taking care of a parent too.

This post might not be for you right now.  But it might not hurt to scroll through - might help you in the future if your parents are still young and healthy.  

PRIMARY CAREGIVERS

I am not a professional caregiver-I don't get paid for what I do.  But I am an EXPERT.  I have been doing this for 40 years.  Starting with the birth of my first child, Melissa Marie.  I was 20 years old and had no idea what I was doing.  I learned the hard way (like ALL moms do) by trial and error.  By the time Nick was born, I knew enough that I didn't have to make as many calls to my mom or my mother in law.  They were the professionals back then.  I didn't know that THEN, but I know now that experience counts.  

My biggest test was when Melissa was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  She was living with John at the time, and he was her primary support person, but she called me a lot, and eventually I became her primary caregiving (outside the doctors).  I made the mistake of going to the internet for information. A good friend at the time (Deb R) advised me NOT to go to the internet....TOO LATE.  I was already full of information that I didn't understand and scared me to death.  Another friend (Pam B) introduced me to a friend of hers who was the Breast Care Coordinator for South Dayton.    

(Sharon - I think she's retired now).  She gave me her home phone, cell phone, pager, email address, and assured me that she would answer any questions I had, and if she couldn't answer them, she would get the answer!  She was such a valuable resource for both of us.

After Melissa, my next big caregiving job was my Dad.  That is what this post is primarily about - caregiving for an elderly parent.  That's where I am now.  And today, right now, I am totally overwhelmed.  If you know me at all, you know that I keep journals - and I write a lot.  It's cathartic for me.  So instead of dwelling on my anxiety right now, I decided to share some of the things I learned on this journey.  Helping others helps ME.  So here we go......

CAREGIVING 101

I started this journey with my Dad about five years ago.  He was living in Florida part-time, a snowbird.  Until my sister Sue passed away.  Then he decided he didn't want to come back to Dayton any more.  Everything was good.  He had a lot of friends in Melbourne-at the VFW, the local bowling alley bar.  He loved to sing Karaoke, and have a few beers.  He was very social.

Then he started falling.  Six times in three months.  The last time he fell, I got a call from his handyman, Brett, who Dad would call if something happened.  This particular time Brett couldn't get there.  So he called me.  In Kettering, OH.  "Your Dad fell and I can't get there".  I was thankful for the call but had NO idea how to handle the situation.  But I had to.  So I call 9-1-1.  Told them what was going on and they connected me with the Fire Department in Melbourne, Fl.  I asked them to make sure Dad took his phone when (if) they took him to the hospital.  Which they did.  I was able to keep in touch with him since there was no phone available in ER.  Then I made reservations to fly to Florida.  It was my sixth trip in 3 months.  (Drove a couple of times, flew a couple of times). 

This time would be different.  

While he was in the hospital, I talked to the Social Worker.  The doctor was planning on sending Dad home at the end of the week.  I reminded the SW that Dad had fallen SIX times in 3 months and something was going on that they hadn't figured out!  He needed to go to Rehab to get stronger before he went home and I went home.  It was then that the SW informed me that in order for Medicare to pay for rehab (at a facility), he would need to be admitted for 3 nights.  I didn't know this at the time, but when you are in the hospital, you are "Under Observation" until they decide to admit you.  You can be under observation for more than a night.  She agreed that he needed to be admitted as an inpatient and that he would be there for 3 nights until he could go to rehab.  She gave me the names of some Rehab facilities to visit (unannounced - the best way to visit.  They don't know you're coming.  You get to see how the patients interact, if it's clean etc.)  I finally chose the facility closest to the hospital-since I was in from out of town, I knew how to get there and it passed my inspection!)

While he was in the hospital, the Social Worker also talked to me about his living arrangements.  She told me he could no longer live alone.  It was then that she referred me to an organization called Care Patrol.  They help you find assisted living facilities.  Rob Graham was my contact person.  He was amazing.  

Mind you, this all happened in two weeks time.  I called Rob, he needed a LOT of information about Dad.  Financial and otherwise.  He wanted to meet Dad.  Assisted Living facilities are all different.  He wanted to find a perfect fit for Dad.    Problem was, I hadn't told Dad yet that he couldn't live alone any more.

CHOICES

This is where CHOICES comes in.  Dad wasn't ready to move out of his place in Florida.  But he couldn't be alone any more.    He wasn't ready to give up his independence either.    I had to make him understand that it just wasn't safe for him to be alone any more.  So he had a choice to make.  Come back to Ohio, or stay in Florida.    He had to be part of the decision.  I couldn't make the choice FOR him,  but I could give him his choices!

SAFETY/HAPPINESS

Your top priority when you are the primary caregiver is SAFETY first, then their happiness.  There are a lot of ways to keep them safe.  Being alone 24/7 unfortunately is not one of them.  There are a lot of good Home Health Care services available.  I found a good one (again, referred by SW).  While he was still at home after one of his first hospital visits- they were coming 3 hours/day.  Then 6 hours a day - 3 hours in the morning/3 hours in the evening.  They were good, and he didn't mind them coming in, but eventually he needed more care, and home health care can be VERY expensive.  

Another safety issue is driving.  Fortunately for me, when Dad was released from the hospital to Rehab, the doctor would not release him to drive.  He was in rehab for a month - but I knew that I was going to have to take his keys.  He was an aggressive driver and his social life was going to the VFW and Bowling alley, having a couple of beers.  He hadn't been in an accident, but I wasn't going to wait until he WAS in an accident.  I couldn't take the chance that he would hurt someone.  I talked to him about that, and of course his response was "I would never hurt anyone"....

It was a difficult decision, but besides the safety issues, he couldn't afford a car payment, car insurance AND Assisted Living.  So I took his keys AND his car - back to Ohio.  It took him awhile, but he finally accepted the fact that he wouldn't drive again.

You have a lot of difficult decisions to make as a caregiver.  There aren't too many easy ones.  

As far as keeping your loved one happy, there's not a lot you can do.    They have to be part of that too.  You can only do so much.  

ADVOCATE

You are your loved ones advocate.  You need to make phone calls, ask questions, make decisions.  Be informed.  Don't be afraid to ask questions.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Can't say this enough.  One of the first things I did with Melissa was buy a spiral notebook (I bought the small ones that I could keep in my purse) Take notes at every Doctors appointment.  I use the notebooks to write phone numbers, appointments, comments.  Questions I want to ask so I didn't (don't) forget.  I have a Composition notebook I use for everything for my Dad.  The reason I recommend this is I KNOW where I can find what I wrote down.  It's not in any particular order (chronological ) but I had to stop writing on pieces of paper that I had in my purse.  I lose things too easily when there is a lot going on.  (Now if you are a tech person- you might want to do a spreadsheet - Donny is getting all his mom's stuff together now and put it on a spreadsheet.  Whoopty doo.  It works for him.  Mine is all scribbled in a notebook and I can find what I need.  WHATEVER works for you.  Just keep it all in one place.  

Keep track of the all the time you are spending too.  You might need that later.

LEGAL/FINANCIAL 

Since we don't know when we are going to die, it's kind of hard to know when is a good time to start getting things in order.  If your parents are retired, it's time.  

I have decided that I'm going to make it easy on Nick.  I already have a binder with all the information he will need when the time time comes.  He won't be searching through drawers/closets/under beds/file cabinets for information.  Although you find a lot of interesting things while your doing that.  Like pictures.  UGH.  So many pictures.  So little time.  (we do have our pictures organized - thank you Donny - not in boxes.  Nick will more than likely throw most of them away.  That's ok.  I won't be here.)

Back to Legal/Financial - if your parents (or you) are retired, it's time to start getting organized.

Donny is doing this with his mom now - it's a full time job!  But getting it done early takes the pressure off if something happens.

Some of the things you should think about (I did all this in two weeks while my Dad was in rehab) - Financial/Medical Power of Attorney

A Will

DNR

Finances

If your parent served in the Military during wartime, they might qualify for VA Aide and Assistance. If you are interested in a number you can call to find out - message me.  There are financial parameters, but it's worth looking into!  Spouses may qualify as well.  Every little bit helps.

PROFESSIONAL HELP/ADVICE

Don't hesitate to ask for advice or help if you need it.  I would not (could not) have gotten everything in order with my Dad without the help of some professionals.  Doctors, social workers, friends who have been there.  You can't do this alone.  It is overwhelming, but it can be done.

SUPPORT GROUPS

Ah.  Support groups.  Never in my life would I have thought I would need a support group.  I am in multiple groups now.  It's how I've survived.

You don't have to go to an "organized" support group.  Start your own.  When Dad first went into assisted living I was talking to a friend who was taking care of her Dad.  I was a little ahead of her - my dad was already in AL - her dad was headed there.  Then I was talking to another friend (my girlfriends from grade school-who I have reconnected with) who is taking care of her 98 year old mom.  We started going to breakfast on Saturday mornings - a place that had a Bloody Mary bar.  Not that a recommend drinking, but it helped us.  We talked about how we were handling different situations, how we were feeling - and we talked about a lot of other things.  But it was good to sit down with someone who understood!  Unfortunately, we haven't gotten together in awhile. Our parents are all at the stage where they are requiring a lot more time, so we haven't been able to get together.  I miss that.  I NEED that.  

Just yesterday I had coffee with a good friend whose mom is getting ready to move into assisted living.  There are a LOT of us out there.  We find each other!!!   

THANK YOU'S

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the Professional Caregivers.  (I am a volunteer caregiver).

The professionals are the ones who come into your parents/loved ones homes.  They are the ones that take care of them at the facilities.  The nurses (I wish I could name all the nurses that have taken care of Dad - YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL!!!!! and Nurses Aides (YOU DO THE THINGS THAT I CAN'T DO!!!!! The people who greet you at the door.  The people who work in the dining room.  The Activities directors.  The handymen.  I can't thank them enough.  At Victoria Landing in Melbourne - I wasn't there to visit Dad like I can here.  You all made sure he was loved when I couldn't be there. 

And now, at Traditions, I'm with some of you when you are with Dad.  You love him like I do.

I know he is taken care of and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all of you!!!!

(He might not show it, but he appreciates you too.  I wish he would use his button more!)

Take care of YOU!!!!!

And last but not least, take care of YOU.  That is the hardest thing for a caregiver.  In my honest opinion.  Some days I feel like I am not doing enough.  I want him to live forever.

But I also realize if I don't take care of myself, I won't be here to take care of him.

I wrote this blog post on my four mile walk this morning (in my head).  I don't know if I remembered every I wanted to say - but most of it is here.

Take a walk, get a hobby.  Have lunch with a friend.  Write in a journal.  Hell.  Even go on a vacation.

Sometimes it's hard to get away.  But you have to.  You could go insane trying to do everything.

If you are one of the fortunate ones to have siblings that help, TAKE THAT HELP.  If your siblings live out of town, find something they can do to help.  A Power of Attorney does not have to live in town (Financial) - I have a couple of friends who take care of their parents affairs and they don't live in town.

If your siblings live in town, ASK THEM to help.  A visit a couple of times a week is lifesaving. Literally.

You are not alone.  There are a lot of us out there.  

If you are a caregiver and have some advice, please post here.  I'm sure I missed something.  If I did and I remember, I'll be back.

In the meantime - Enjoy the good days!  

OH.  And B POSITIVE.