Last Words

13 Years.

Two stories that I remember from that few days before she passed.  Melissa went into Hospice the first week of December for about ten days.  Then home for ten days, in time for Christmas.   Andrew was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas and she was his Godmother.  She was too sick to go, so she stayed home and I stood in for her.  That night,  her breathing was getting worse, so the Hospice nurse came Monday and said she had to go back to Hospice.  Before we left, she told me to "keep this on the DL.  I don't want anyone to know I'm going back."   She was very close to her rugby family, so we let them know.  Pauly and Elizabeth came to visit the week before she passed.

They had been dating for a LONG time, and Fort would, on occasion, say "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED???"  When they visited that day, they sat down next to her bed and Elizabeth held out her hand toward Fort and said  "We're getting married!!!"  She was so happy and told them "I'll be there!!!"

Fast forward to the summer.  I went to a medium for the first time.  One of the things he told me was that she was in Mexico. He kind of chuckled and said "She keeps saying she gets to go for free" (which is totally something she would say!)   When Donny and I listened to the CD when I got home, we were trying to figure out what that meant.  Not long after, I saw a post of Pauly and Elizabeth's wedding.

IN MEXICO.  She WAS there.

***

This story is specifically about the night before Melissa passed, and Nick.

Melissa and Nick were alike in a lot of ways. Competitive about everything.  Outgoing.  Athletic.

The difference was everything rolled off Melissa's back.  Not much bothered her.  Nick, on the other hand was very sensitive.  I remember him saying, on more than one occasion, "Melissa doesn't love me as much as I love her."  

The night before she passed, Nick, Mere and Andrew visited.  As they were leaving, Nick was standing in the doorway.  "See you in the morning, Fort.  I love you."

Melissa sat up and said "I love you, Nick."  ( I reminded him of that today.  His response? I know she loved me...you know these things when you're as close as we were."  So maybe there are stories that I don't know??? Probably.  And maybe they should stay with Nick.  I'm ok with that.)

They walked out the door, she laid down and went to sleep.  Those were her last words.  She never woke up again.  

John was on one side of her bed, I was on the other.  I remember looking at her hands, trying to memorize every freckle.  I remember thinking about how small her hands looked.  I didn't sleep much that night, and at one point watched a tear trickle down her cheek.  Was she seeing JP?  Was she dreaming about leaving us?  I wish I knew.  

Around 4:30 a.m., we got everyone in the room (Donny, John, Diana were all sleeping in the lobby at the end of the hallway).  The nurse came in a little later, put the stethoscope to her chest to listen for a heartbeat...and shook her head "No".  

Big John looked at the clock.  "5:18".

This morning, I woke up and looked at the clock.  5:18.

She hasn't visited  (my dreams) in a while. But she woke me up this morning.  I'm sure of it.

****

January 3.  The day we will forever reminisce.  I can honestly say that this is the one day that we think about her, talk about her and remember stories and share her stories.  

I was scrolling through my pictures this morning looking for pictures of me and Melissa.  They will always be pictures you've already seen.  Oh, how I wish I had new ones.    As I was scrolling I came across a picture of Maddy Westbeld and her mom.  I sent it to her.  Told her I was looking for pictures of me and Melissa, how lucky she was to have such a good relationship with her mom.  I sent her the picture of her and her mom, and a few of me and Melissa.    A little while later, I get a phone call from her mom.  I told her I would stop sending stuff to Maddy.  She said "NO.  It's ok!!!"  After I sent Maddy the pictures, and the poem that Melissa wrote about us, she sent her mom a text.  "I love you, Mom!"  Susan responded "are you ok?"  Then Maddy told her about my texts.  They are very close, but sometimes life gets busy.  We forget to let the people we love KNOW how much we love them.  In my opinion, we can't say I love you enough.

When I was telling Donny about my communication with Susan and Maddy, he had a story for me.

His softball friend, Dave Woolf, had just sent out an email to the softball team.  It was a You Tube video.  If I knew how to link it here, I would.  But you can look it up.  The Chicken Runs at Midnight.

An amazing story.  A sign from a loved one.  Donny truly believes (and I do, too) that Melissa wanted us to hear this story.  The girl in the story is a lot like Melissa.  I'll bet they are friends in heaven.  

BEST FRIENDS

Melissa went to a conference (I think in Las Vegas).  She had the opportunity to meet Gallagher. He was (is?) a comedian.  He was the opening act for Steve Martin (I think) at UD Arena awhile back.  He's the guy that breaks a watermelon with a sledge hammer on the stage.  The watermelon splatters all over everyone in the front row.  (Pretty funny if you are not in the front row!) She might have been working with me in the concession stand that night. He came through our stand, I was the cashier.  I said "Aren't you Gallager???"  He said I was the first person to recognize him.  Evidently he was sitting in the stands.

Or maybe that was part of his routine if someone recognized him.  Melissa obviously recognized him here!!

This is how I like to remember Melissa and Nick's relationship.  Always having fun!!!

On our walk this morning, Donny was talking about the morning we came home from Hospice after Melissa passed.   "Remember how we came home...and felt hopeless?  And now we are giving hope to newly bereaved parents?"  The feeling that we would never survive this.  The worst loss. And here we are, living life, continuing to share her stories and giving HOPE to others who are now walking in our shoes.  And to be perfectly honest, we really don't have to do anything but show up.  Thirteen years later, we are still here.  That alone can give someone hope.  

This one must have been when Melissa and John first started dating.  They both look so young.     

Soul Mates.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Stacy, Paulie, Melissa.  January birthdays.

And last but not least,  I close with Andrew and Max.  Fort would have it no other way.

After Melissa passed away, my coworkers at Moraine Meadows gave me a necklace with Melissa's thumbprint.  I ended up getting one for Donny, John, Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max.  They have had Andrew and Max's put away for 13 years.  A month before Christmas, Andrew told his dad he wanted to wear his Fort necklace.  We bought sturdier chains and had them soldered on the chain.  They now carry Aunt Fort with them wherever they go.  Two happy boys!!!

I love you and miss you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,  Melissa Marie.

B POSITIVE

Just a reminder to myself.

Updated blog today, then decided to go back and read Melissa's posts.  Nov/Dec 2008.

My post today did not follow her protocol.  B POSITIVE.

Probably the hardest two months of her life, and I was laughing (through tears)reading her posts.  How did she do that?  I read all of the comments to her posts, including comments after she passed.  The consistent response was how she kept a positive attitude despite the challenges she was facing.

 She definitely inherited her dad's sense of humor.  We (Donny and I) talk all the time about having a positive attitude.  Donny is the eternal optimist.   I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.  So when I have facts in front of me, I tend to be realistic about a situation.  

Melissa was definitely like her Dad there, too.  She was only going to Hospice to "complete her healing".

We (Melissa and I) played this game.  I won't talk about what's REALLY going on,  if you don't.  We very rarely cried in front of each other.  Each of us was strong for the other.  

In the end, the nurses at Hospice told us to tell her it was ok to let go.  Imagine telling your child it's ok to go...forever.  I couldn't tell her when she was awake.   I wanted her to know that I was NOT giving up on her.  So I whispered it in her ear when she was sleeping.    Hardest thing I ever had to do.

So as I read her posts today, after updating the blog, I realized that she would not approve of the post today.  Most of the time when I update, I read and reread what I post.  And usually I feel good about it.  But not today.   So I went back and deleted it.  When I am in a better frame of mind, I'll update again.  It's good for me.  It's my way of connecting with her and keeping her alive through her blog.  

I love you Melissa.  I'm trying hard to B POSITIVE, but I miss you.  Every single day.  Your dad is doing the meeting next week - it's about Signs from your Loved Ones.  I need one from you, to share at the meeting AND here!  And while you're at it, how about some sunshine?  

And because Melissa would always end a post with a picture of Drew (Andrew), I honor her memory with her nephewS, Max and Andrew.  Oh, how she would love both of you!!!

To Mask or not to Mask?

Sitting here watching the news and I am dumbfounded.

The top news story today?  Parent's protesting because their child's school (elementary - kids who the vaccine is not available to yet) just issued a mask requirement.

Melissa sometimes would precede a post or a conversation with "I'm going to use the cancer card." Her reasoning was a little different than mine right now, but I am going to use the "Bereaved Parent card".

Around 15 years ago, my daughter started this blog.  She had just completed her first round of chemo for breast cancer and she had mouth sores and it was painful to talk on the phone.  So as a writer, this was her way of keeping everyone updated.

Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 25.  Didn't know it at the time, but eventually learned that she carried the BRCA gene.  Had we known, she could have started getting mammograms (preventative measure for breast cancer) then.  But we didn't know.

She went on to go through chemo three times.  The last time was the worst.  The cancer advanced to her bones and her lungs.   I stayed with her 24/7 when she was in the hospital (with covid, I don't think that is possible).  At one point, there was fluid around her lungs and she had to have a tube inserted between her ribs (it was about the size of a straw) to remove the fluid.   Parasentecis (not sure of the spelling).  That was almost 13 years ago and I WILL NEVER FORGET the pain she went through with this procedure.  The night they took the tube out,  she sat up in bed GASPING for breath.  I ran into the hall to get a nurse or a doctor.  They put her on 100% oxygen.  You can find her post on that night somewhere on this blog. (December 2008).  Her comment was something like "a mom's work is never done".  She was 30 then.  A few weeks later she passed away.   Two days before her 31st birthday.

Since she passed away, I have found ways to keep her (memory) alive.  I talk about her ALL the time.  We have pictures (not the same as being here).  And videos (that feels more like she is still here-I can SEE and HEAR her talking!!!)

I have spoken to the Fairmont girls basketball team about Melissa and breast cancer.  And I have talked to the UD Women's Basketball team about Melissa and breast cancer.  The thing I stress the most is to be PROACTIVE.  Know your family history.  If you have a history of breast/ovarian/prostate cancer in your family, you could be high risk.   Make sure your doctor knows your family history and get checked early to prevent EARLY DEATH from breast cancer.

As a mother, I would have done ANYTHING to prevent my daughter's death.  I prayed.  I had people and churches all over the country (and people all over the world) praying for my daughter.  Unfortunately, prayers didn't save her.  The one thing that might have saved her was if we had known she carried the BRCA gene.  EARLY DETECTION is the key to surviving.

And what could this possibly have to do with wearing a mask, you say?

If there is even the slightest chance that your child will get this virus, isn't it worth preventing it?

I understand that chances that they will get very ill or be hospitalized are low.  But what about your neighbors child?  What about my grandchild?  What about the immunocompromised.  And truth be told, healthy kids are being hospitalized.  Do your research.  It is spreading like wildfire in Florida schools right now.  Masks work.  How many times did your kid get a cold last winter when masks were required?  How many times did they get strep throat?

As a parent, you do everything you can to keep your kids healthy.  They have yearly physicals.  You give them medications if they require them (antibiotics/epi pens/ADHD meds/allergy medications)  How many of those medications do you know all the ingredients?  You trust the EXPERTS that develop these medications.  Even though there are multiple side effects to some medications, you still administer them to your children.  Or yourself.  

So now we have two safe ways to prevent covid.  Vaccination and a MASK.  A simple piece of cloth that, while not 100% effective, prevents the spread of a dangerous virus.   

I understand that because the vaccine is being administered for emergency use and you might be hesitant because of that.  So a mask is the simplest way to prevent the spread of covid (and lots of other things that spread through droplets!)  

Would you not do ANYTHING to prevent your child from possibly contracting a deadly virus? And in the meantime protect other children as well?

*******

Maybe there's nothing I can say that will encourage you or convince you to get your child vaccinated or that it will "traumatize them" to wear a mask.

These are just some of the "side effects" of losing a child (not all bereaved parents experience all of these side effects, some experience others.  These were some of mine.)

I want you to think about this.  I CAN tell you what it's like to be a bereaved parent.

Can't sleep.  Stay awake all night (for many weeks) wondering "what could I have done differently to change this.  To stop this from happening. Was it my fault?"

Guilt.

Why me?

Why my child?

Can't go to the grocery store.  Too many things that I bought that she loved.

You lose the part of you that WAS actually part of you.  Physically.

There is nothing worse than watching your child suffer.  When your child is happy, you are happy.

Your friends talk about their children all the time.  If you are lucky, you will have friends who listen when you continue to talk about your deceased child.  

I cried every single day for the first two years.  I had no idea your body could produce that many tears.

Every holiday, every birthday, every vacation, every year when school starts, every time one of their friends graduates, gets married, has a child, gets a new job...all you will have is "what would my child be doing now".  And guessing.  And one seat will always be empty at your table.  

If you have more children,  you might have grandchildren some day.  If you only have one child, you lose your future. 

You lose friends, but you make new friends.  Other's who have lost a child.  Some of our best friends now are other parents who have lost a child.  We belong to a wonderful support group called Compassionate Friends.  I'm not speaking for any of them, but I'm pretty confident every one of the them would have done anything to save their child's life.  Personally, the thought that if all it took was a simple mask to save her life makes me laugh.  NO PROBLEM!!!!  I WANT HER HERE!!!!!!

I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would lose a child.  And now, here I am.  

Oh.  You can survive the loss of child.  We have.  Almost thirteen years now.  And a grandson.  And a brother and sister.  

I know.  We are all going to die sometime.  But parents aren't supposed to bury their children.

If a simple mask would have saved my daughter's life, there would have been NO HESITATION on our part.  I would have sold my soul to the devil to save her life.  REALLY.  A mask???? And people are protesting?  Parents are protesting?  MOTHERS?  With their children?????? 

I am appalled. And saddened.  

And  pretty sure that our Compassionate Friends group will grow by leaps and bounds this year.

Trust me.  You don't want to walk in my shoes.  

Ending every post on my daughter's blog with  LOVE YOU MISS YOU Pretty girl!

But she will never respond.

I really don't want to see you at the next meeting.

And, if you still choose to protest and not vaccinate your child, or at the least have them wear a mask, then my recommendation is to start taking lots of pictures and videos.  They might come in handy some day.

                                                 Love you, miss you, Melissa Marie.  Every. Single. Day.

                                                    "WEAR A DAMN MASK!!!! "

                                   (Melissa just whispered that in my ear...she DOES still talk to me!)

Catching Up

 The last time I posted was the end of March.  I'm missing a few things, I'm sure.  But this is all post vaccination!  We kind of started living again.  Wore masks for awhile, but got away from them temporarily.  It was nice.

Headed north to Cleveland for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  On our bucket list. Definitely worth

the trip!!!

After Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, went to Cuyahoga Falls National Park for a short hike.  Ended up at a

beautiful waterfall.  Definitely worth the trip here too.

Since we were north, decided to finally check out Fort's Tavern in Wellington, OH.  Met the owner (who also goes by Fort, hence the name!)  Good food, old time atmosphere.  

My cousins (Rotert side) were in Kentucky to see Noah's Ark.  Only an hour drive from us, and they were in from Texas and Utah, so we met them for lunch!

Next stop, Chicago (Northwest of Chicago actually) for a Lacrosse tournament with the boys.

We drove, took the boys and Meredith.  Lots of fun!

Maxwell.

Heard a lot about Portillo's from a lot of different people, so decided to check it out. Great food!

Us with our grandsons.  We're getting shorter!

Andrew at Portillo's

John and Diana (John's mom and dad) came up for Georgia for Rosella's memorial.

It was in the middle of July.  Only took a couple pictures and this was one of them.

There were over 200 people there.  Roz would have approved.  Like Melissa, she loved a good celebration...this was definitely a celebration of a life well lived!

Decided to join a few of my (former)  Moraine Meadows colleagues for a 

trip to Florida.  I have to be honest, I was very anxious about this trip the days leading up to it.  Covid numbers in Florida were getting really high (higher since we've come home.)  Donny convinced me to go the night before - Wear your mask on the elevators and around big crowds and you'll be ok.

And we did, and we were. (OK that is).  Had a great time. We know each other very well, have travelled together before, but it's been awhile.  I'm not the partier I used to be, but love listening to music (just not dancing, but that's a story for another post).  

This seemed to be "our" table every morning at breakfast and evening at Happy Hour.  

Lisa, Carrie, me, Marie, Rachel and Debbie.

Saw a few of these around the pool!  Iguana's and Bearded Dragons.

This guy is camouflaged pretty well!

Carrie's "birthday". Kind of.  It was closer to her birthday than anyone else's so she got the drink and the dessert!

Me, Carrie, Lisa, Rachel, Marie and Debbie.

Self explanatory.

Home for one day for the Happy Together tour at Fraze. Same group we've gone with for the last seven years!  Carolyn, Randi, me, Donny, Rooster, Mary, Mange, Mary. (and lots of photo bombers behind us!)

My friend from high school, Nancy, dresses up for the Happy Together Tour every year.

This year it was The Cowsill's, The Association, Classic IV, Gary Puckett and The Turtles.

Great music!

Next stop, Blue Ridge, Georgia.  Visited my friend from Second grade, Jaye, and her husband, Vic.Very nice home in the mountains.  They entertained us for five days.  Great time! 

Cheers!  Jaye and Pam.

This was at a bar owned by a former (or retired) Priest.  Irish Pub.  Really cool.

Not really Grumpy Old Men.  It was the Brewery we went to.  Great Cocoa beer!

The view from their front porch!

Really cool hike close to where they live...

to a waterfall!

Relaxing on side porch.

Ott's Winery.  With music!

Too much wine???

Last stop, their pontoon boat on Lake Nottley(?)  Same lake John & Diana live on!

\

Very relaxing... and sunny!!!! Perfect day!

Dinner - Lo Boil.  Delicious!

Last stop - John and Diana's new home on Lake.

John took us on a tour of their neighborhood...a 55 and over community.  Beautiful!

JP's grandparents.  

Wilbur Wright All Class reunion.  I went with Mary Block. (we were cheerleaders together and played on the volleyball team together).  Roxane Hasty in the middle - Ozell Early behind us.

Tom Andrew and me.  He went to Kemp with Sharon, Karen, Patty and Susan.

Dee Dee (she was in our wedding) me and Patti Bole.

Nancy's picture - she can still fit into our cheerleading uniform! 

Behind her, Patti, Becky, Theresa, Mary, Patsy, DeeDee, Cathy and me.

At Max's game.  Andrew with his Grandma's.

Max (#15) with his Grandma's!

Max, getting ready to be introduced before the game.

Not a very good game (they lost 38-0).....

But WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SUNSET we saw!!!!

Donny left for Virginia the morning after the concert for a softball tournament.  His team won (again) and he was on the all tournament team (again.)  

Went to breakfast with Marla (for my birthday) this morning...and ran into Bob Suter...Melissa and Nick's elementary school Principal!!! He remembered us!

Marla and I have been friends for 52 years.  I was in her wedding, she was in ours.  After she left for the Army, lived out of town many years, we always stayed in touch.  She's been back in town and it's just like it was 50 years ago!  Thanks, Marla!!! I love the picture (your birthday) and frame!!!

Gotta end with my Grandsons.  Melissa always did.

Max is starting 6th grade tomorrow, Andrew starts 8th grade.

Didn't take long for them to pass me up!!!

Aunt Fort would be so proud of both of them!!!

Love you miss you, Pretty girl.

Every. Single. Day.