Progress...

It is closing in on Christmas, a time of year I dread.   Amazingly, to me at least, I have been able to accomplish a lot more than I ever thought possible (at least in the last four years).  I have shopped for gifts, wrapped the gifts AND sent Christmas cards.  Couldn't even THINK about doing those things the last three years.
I have thought a lot about getting stockings out.  The last three years just thinking about it brought the tears...thought about getting out the ornaments for the tree.  We do put up a tree, but it's a small tree, bought it our first Christmas without Melissa.  Bought new ornaments and just put up stockings for Andrew & Max.  Mini stockings for everyone else.
I told Donny last night I had no desire to listen to Christmas music either.  He said he felt the same way...

So, what am I doing today?  Well, will start with last night.  I am in the process of moving all our photos from the PC to my new laptop.  I have a flash drive and it's a slow process.  Sitting at the computer I started going through some drawers on a shelf on the desk.  Found an old flash drive and was HOPING that it would be Melissa's...there are a lot of different things, but one thing of Melissa's ~ something she wrote for the beginning of the book SHE was going to write.  I remember her talking about writing it.  I printed it and brought it up and started reading it to Donny.  We were laughing AND crying...OH how I miss her writing.  It is not complete, but it will be the beginning of the book WE will have published.  FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY.  Makes fun of me a lot.  I love that.  And I am embarrassed too.  It is hilarious.

Ok, so after reading that, I am not motivated to do anything around the house.  Could just sit and cry all day.  So I figured if I am going to sit and cry all day, I might as well have something to cry about.  So I got the stockings out of the attic...and I got the ornaments out of the basement...and I'm listening to Christmas music....and I'm crying....

I'm sitting on the floor by our little Christmas tree going through the ornaments...lots of ornaments MADE by Melissa, and lots of ornaments for Melissa (and Nick too of course!)...our little tree is going to fall over.  Found an ornament for JP too.  As I am sitting by the tree going through the ornaments, crying, and listening to Christmas music, the song "All I want for Christmas is You" comes on, and the puzzle goes off......SHE WAS WITH ME!  The whole time.  

So today will be a crying day...but I am making progress.  I am doing things I NEVER thought I'd ever do again.  And I'm pretty sure I'll do them again.  And I'm pretty sure I'll cry EVERY year when I do them.
I will NEVER stop missing her.  There is a heaviness in my chest that is always there.  It must be that hole in my heart....but she lets me know that she is beside me when I need her the most...

I would be remiss if I didn't post pictures of the nephew(s) she loved so much.  I'm pretty sure she's around them too...they talk about her all the time.  I love that.

Took the boys on a field trip to the Fairfield Mall.  They have a little Santa Train that you can ride through the Mall...they loved it.  So did I!

Decided it would be fun to make Christmas cookies with the boys...I was all organized.  Cookies baked, bowls of sprinkles with spoons (didn't trust them with the jars of sprinkles), and two tubs of icing...all out on the table ready to go when they got up from their nap.  I went into the kitchen to get something turned around and Max was eating the sprinkles out of the bowl...I guess he thought that was why I put the spoons in there!  "NO MAX...Ok. I guess these cookies will be for you and nobody else"  Then I turned around to get more spoons came back in and he was eating the ICING out of the tub.  AND it was a full moon that night. Grandparenting is so much more fun than parenting.  You get to send them home after days like these...

Speaking of days like these...it's nice to run into Santa when your out... you can take pictures and tell your grandchildren that you met Santa and he will be calling if they arent' good...Andrew said "why isn't he wearing his clothes?" I told him Santa doesnt' wear his Santa clothes when he goes out to eat...he doesn't want to spill anything on them.  It worked. He believed me. And by the way, Santa DID call.  Twice.  I videotaped it.  Made me want to cry.  Andrew got on the phone and was SO excited...for about five seconds.  Then he started saying "Yes. Yes. Ok Santa." (with a sad face).  Santa asked to talk to Max. Max gets on the phone and says RIGHT AWAY "I LOVE YOU SANTA".

Santa knows our elf's name is TWINKLES.  He mentioned Twinkles is calling him. 

Behavior hasn't changed....

oh well. It's Christmas...

 Took the boys shoe shopping...OMG.  Andrew is worse than a 16 year old girl...or a 60 year old lady...he tried on, no lie, 30 pairs of shoes before he found one he liked.  He has Xtra wide feet. That was part of the problem.  First shoes on Max that lit up suited him.  We all went home happy.

First ornaments I found...

I don't remember who gave this to Melissa, but she got it for her last Christmas. The little angel ornament says "Melissa" and the snowman was for JP.  Has his birthstone on it.

I won't lie.  We do kind of have shrines for Melissa.  (she would be ok with it though.  We put up all her trophies in her room and she said "what is this...a shrine to me?" we laughed and left it up. Still there...) Anyway, the blue hat was hers (LIFE IS GOOD) Last hat she wore.  The sunglasses are hers too. The little wall hanging says "A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be a friend".  That was us. And that is her stocking.  We had those made when they were little.  I hugged it for awhile when I found it...because it's one of the last things SHE touched.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I miss her more every day.  But I am making progress.  Our lives will never be the same without her, but while we are here, we will do the best we can because we have Nick, and Andrew, and Max, and Mere.   I think she is smiling.

Love you Melissa Marie....and miss you EVERY SINGLE DAY.