When You See Me

It is 5 a.m.

I just woke up and for the first time in a long time, I felt "normal".  No stomach pain, no nausea.
It's been a rough couple of months (yep-even with all the wonderful adventures in the last few months).

This time of year is the hardest for me for obvious reasons.  I am reclusive and avoid anything that resembles a celebration.

Once again, all I could think of the last couple days is "I just want to be better.  I want to put up the Christmas tree.  Some lights.  I want to cook.  I want to EAT."  I know that it is Melissa saying "Wake up mom.  Enjoy your life while you have it!"

So anyway, I woke up this morning and this was in my head:

When You See Me

If what you see

When you see me

Is a shell of what I used to be

Remember this…

I lost my daughter

Then two friends

Will it EVER end?

If you haven’t called or

Seen me in awhile

You might be surprised

I DO smile

You might have noticed

I was getting “better”

(Although I was not sick)

At Christmas time

I trimmed the tree

I sent Christmas cards

I baked cookies

A light was finally shining through

Life was feeling good, not filled with dread

Then on a tragic day in January

We found my sister dead.

So if what you see

When you look at me

Is a shell of what

I used to be

Remember this

YOU could be ME

***
Makes me think of Melissa's favorite saying
"No matter how bad you have it, there is always someone who would love to be in your shoes"

That goes for me too.  I think about that all the time.  WHO would want to be in my shoes?  Then I think of my high school friend who lost her son.  Her ONLY child.  SHE would love to be in my shoes.

***

First of all, I am so blessed for the friends that have stuck around.  There are a few that I stay in touch with on a regular basis.  I am so thankful for them, especially on days like the ones I have been having lately.

I guess this poem is just a reminder that when you post things like "only surround yourself with happy people" people like me get a little paranoid.  Because, as hard as I try, my life is not always happy.  Oh, I have had some great days (and I want you to know THAT was a hard thing for me to say for a long time) but I have a lot of baggage.  Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who understands and accepts the ups and downs.

Just remember, during the holidays, there are a lot of people who are missing loved ones in their lives. They need you more than ever during the holidays.  Hard as it may be to be around people that are depressed, they need you.  Reach out.  They'll be happy you did.  YOU'LL be happy you did.

(Thanks Marianne, Jennifer, Roxy, Leanne)

***

And just to prove that I am trying…I will post pictures of our little tree and lights when I'm up to putting them up.  

Be HAPPY!