Fall(ing)

Sitting here on a beautiful Sunday morning.  Just finished reading the paper, waiting for Donny to get home from the softball tournament.  He's been in Dalton, Ga. since Wednesday.  Talked to him every day...he's really enjoying it.  They did really well, played their last game this morning.  Lost in the semi-finals.  Found out after the game he was selected to be on the All-American team.  He had 21 hits in 4 games, only 5 outs in nine games.  So proud of him.  And so happy that he finally did something like this.  He has never taken a trip with a bunch of guys like this.  I have taken multiple trips with friends in the past.  He really needed this.

So why this post today?  I don't think many people read this any more, so it's a safe place for me to go.

Might be difficult for some to understand, especially since it's coming up on seven years.  I feel like I am spiraling downward.  It's like this every fall...Melissa's favorite season. Used to be mine too.  But now all I do is dread what is coming.  Starting with the leaves changing colors...who would think that would bring on such sadness.  Never used to.  Now it's just a reminder of what used to be.  I remember how much Melissa loved the falls scents.  She had so many fall candles burning in her house I was afraid she would burn it down!  And the colors.  The browns, golds, reds...she loved decorating in the fall.  I mean, look at the picture on this blog, she LOVED LOVED LOVED the fall.  And all I can do is sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to appreciate this wonderful season.

Then we have October.  The 19th would be John Patrick (JP's) 12th birthday.  And we'll celebrate that, but without him.  Again.  The 30th is my sister Sue's birthday.  She would be 55.  And I'll celebrate that too.  Without her.  And the fact that it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month...UGH.  The one good thing that happens in October? The Kelts remember Melissa with a Breast Cancer Fundraiser.  Oct 17 this year.  We always go (except for last year, first one we missed-we were in California) and will never miss another one

And then the holidays begin.  And I fall apart.

I am so good in the spring and summer.  This time of year suffocates me.

The last four days, home alone.  I should have called someone and made plans to do SOMETHING.  But I have a hard time reaching out.  Really?  I have a hard time talking to anyone about how I am feeling.   I realize how hard it is for the people I love and who love me to see me like this.  So I put on a smile, and everything is ok.  Not really.

Started a clean eating program - good for a week.  Thanks to Mere & Nick.  It's helping.  And started a Yoga class last week.  Love that too.

Just in a funk and needed to get it out...have you ever gone a few days and not physically talked to someone?  Facebook does that to you. It's not good for you.

So, for today, I'm trying to motivate myself to take my 4 mile walk...then maybe pick up the kids and do something fun.  Get my mind off...what?  Melissa?  I don't know.

If only for a while, I'll do something that makes me smile.

It's the best I can do.