Monday, June 5, 2017

Last post was April 2.  Wow.  Been busy since no particular order...

Andrew & Max ^ - playing flag football.  Done for the summer now.

Granddog Knute out for the game too!

Max & his best friend Eric(?)

Love the expressions!

Andrew @ center.

Andrew, cousin Chris, Max

Komen Breast Cancer Walk in Columbus with Randi & Carolyn.  Remembering Melissa (Fort),
in honor of my cousin Tammy (who was just recently diagnosed with breast cancer), and Donny's cousin Becky, who we found out was diagnosed after the walk.

Dad @ Katie's graduation party with Matthew.

@ Sam's 5K.  I finally EARNED a medal.

Randi & Donny

The boys with Randi's friend, 3 Star Admiral @ Sam's 5K.

Dad and his new friend Carol @ Traditions.

Dad & Donny's birthdays.

A family friend posted this, saved it for dad.  
Dad, Bobby, Steve (my brother), Bob W, Grandpa W, Dick, Jim W.  Dad's childhood buddies.

Killin' our liver on the (Ohio) River @ Janie & Jim's. With Mange & Mary.

Baxter (Mimi & Mommie's dog) drawn by Max.

Clay class with Andrew and Max - taught by Steve Powers, amazing artist!

Butterfly quilt from Anita!

Welcome home Grandpa Irv!

Caregiving is a full time job.  Now that dad is home, my life got busier.  Good thing, but more importantly, I have peace of mind.  It's good to have him so close (5 minutes away).  

I retired 5 years ago, and originally thought I would sub, at least occasionally.  Never happened because I was helping out with the boys occasionally and that was about the time dad started falling. Taking care of him from a thousand miles away was time consuming.  And twice yearly visits started getting expensive.  

What I am beginning to realize is I need to get back into the workforce.  A lot of my friends are beginning to retire, but being home alone all the time is lonely.  There are some days where I never hear another human voice.  Really.  Not getting out gives me NOTHING to talk about when Donny gets home.  Sometimes we take walks and don't say anything.  

He wants to retire, and I want to go back to work.  Not sure how it would work BOTH of us home at the same time!  

The last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes I feel like John's death was the final straw....grieving is hard work and I am wearing out.   Emotions are getting the best of me.  Bad thoughts (horrible thoughts actually) creep in and the depression is overwhelming.

For me personally (and I'm sure a lot of other people), it's hard to reach out when I am at my lowest.  I do have a lot of good friends who tell me to call if I ever need anyone to talk to.  But I convince myself that I do not want to burden anyone with my problems.  In fact, FB reminds me quite often that people really should surround themselves with HAPPY people.  The sad, depressed, negative people just bring you down.  Unfortunately for the sad and depressed, they are the ones who NEED you the most. (just a note.  I need to take a break from FB occasionally.  So many happy people with perfect lives there...)

I have been on the downside of the roller coast for a few days now...could have stayed in bed all day today.  But I did reach out (which is really hard for me to do), and my friend came through.  He didn't know that I am hitting close to rock bottom.  It was good to get out.  And then another friend called to meet this week.  And my cousin called.  I believe in divine intervention.  Melissa is watching out for me.  

It's been eight and a half years, and I am still here.  I don't believe in miracles...but maybe there are miracles.  It's a miracle I am still here.  

I am so thankful for my friends.  They come through and don't even know they are helping me.  

This path is not an easy one.  Sometimes what helps me the most is helping someone else.  I need to remember that when I am in this place.

And I need to remember that I have some things to look forward to...visiting a childhood friend in St. Louis in a few weeks, and going on a family vacation to Disney this summer.  

And my dad needs me.

I guess the moral of this story is - you never know when you reach out and make that phone call if that is the phone call that saved someone.  

I was saved today.  

(sorry this wasn't an uplifting post...but it does have a happy ending.  I'll get through another day because of friends!...I  think I just got an approval for this post.  The puzzle just went off!  Either that or she's letting me know she is always here with me.  But I already knew that...)


"You cannot stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes."
-Winnie the Pooh