Friday, July 20, 2012

Sad day...

I am sitting here watching the news this morning and feeling so very sad for the families in Aurora, Colorado.  My heart goes out to the parents, friends and families of those that were members to the "club that no one wants to belong to..."

This has not been one of my better weeks.  Over the last three years, I have figured out that I DON'T know when these days will happen.  I just know that they sneak up on you, and suddenly you are in this funk.  I also know that it will gradually fade, but will never completely go away.

Normally, I post things like this in my journal.   I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of weeks, and last night I just decided it was time to post how I was feeling on the blog.  Melissa was almost always upbeat, which at the end, had everyone believing things were much better than they were.
That was Melissa.  I wish I could live my life like she did.  Even after three years, believe it or not,
it is really hard to motivate myself to do anything.  I just don't have the energy anymore.  I don't know how she did it...maybe it was youth.  The fact that she knew she had so much more to give...she had to keep going.  I loved that she lived her life that way...she pretty much did whatever she wanted to do those last couple of years (one particular incident comes to mind...she had just had her mastectomy and came home with two drains that she had to empty each day.  Two open wounds.  The rugby team was going "cabrewing" and she was NOT going to miss it.  I pleaded with her not to go..."MELISSA.  You have open wounds...if you fall in the river, in that filthy water...that would NOT be good..."
"Ok mom.  I won't go."  So I tried to call her several times that day, kind of forgot that it was the cabrewing day.  That night, when I finally reached her, I asked where she was all day.  "OK mom, I can't lie...I went cabrewing today... but it was OK...I didn't get in the water at all...I had it all taped up with plastic...I'm fine...REALLY."
When I look back, I am so glad she did those things.  I know there were others, just don't come to mind right now.
I guess the reason I am bringing this up is because I feel like I should be doing the same thing.  I WANT to be like Melissa.  But it's really hard.  Just thinking about doing some things makes me anxious.  So I am better off just doing the things that I feel comfortable doing.  I DO like going out with friends for lunch, dinner, coffee.  I am not a big phone talker.  I DO like talking about Melissa.  I DO like showing pictures of Drew and Max.  And I don't know where I would be without Donny.   (the puzzle is going off...I think Melissa is ok with this post...) And Nick.

Believe it or not, I WANT my old life back.  I want to be the social person, the planner, the happy person that I used to be.  Problem is, my old life includes my daughter.  I don't particularly like this new life I am living.  Not sure if I will ever get used to it.  But it doesn't mean I won't enjoy the blessings in my life...Donny, Nick & Mere, Drew & Max, Sue, my dad, Melissa's friends who stay in touch on a regular basis, my new friends who are living the life we are living now, and old friends, who might not "get it", but still call and don't try to "fix" me.  I can't be fixed.  I am a new person.  I guess it would be like getting a new friend.  If you don't like something about someone, you don't have to be their friend.  So if you don't like something about the "new" me, I am really ok with that.  Just like you, I need to surround myself with people that will let me be the new person that I am, because the old Pam had a daughter.  This one doesn't.

Please understand that I do not want your sympathy.  I just want understanding.  (I know two years ago I asked for patience...I didn't realize at the time that grieving a child is a never ending process...sorry). I feel blessed that I have family and friends in my life who accept the new me.

Whew.  I feel better already.  (just read this to Donny to see if it was ok...didn't shed a tear as I was writing it, but cried the whole time I was reading it out loud...writing is SO good for me...I think it was good for Fort too!)

Have a good day.  I know mine will be a little better now...

Monday, July 9, 2012

Poop Fairy

I miss you EVERY single day Melissa...and double on days when Drew and Max do and say things that I know you would find amusing...amusing enough to post.  That was this weekend.  Andrew made you smile and laugh when he was just eight months old...and he has never stopped making us laugh.  I wish you could have known Max, and Max could have met YOU.  Oh...he KNOWS you.  I just wish he could have heard your laugh...somewhere we have videos and he WILL hear your voice and your laugh...until then, I imagine your laughter when I would share stories like this with you...

This weekend, we met Nick, Mere and the boys at Wilson Park to go swimming.  Of course when we were packing up to leave, Drew was BEGGING to spend the night with Pamma (Nick & Mere just HAPPENDED to have a packed bag for the boys in the van - just in case).  Of COURSE I couldn't say NO.  Saturday, as most of you know was hotter than H*LL.  When we got home, they SHOULD have been sleepy after being in the pool and the hot sun for a couple of hours...but no.  They wanted to dig in the back yard.  Just too hot, so they had to find something to do inside.  Within 15 minutes or so, Drew came upstairs asking if he could use Poppop's tape.  "Why do you need Poppop's tape?"
"I'm making something for Aunt Fort"....He brings me a business card that he found downstairs (from Hidy Honda) and two small plastic anchors (that you use to anchor screws in the wall).  He wanted to tape the anchors onto the card.  He had written (scribbled) something on the card and I asked him what it said.  "I love you" (to Aunt Fort)...then I asked him how he was going to get it to her.
"In a balloon.  We'll put it in then blow up the balloon".  Then he said "Does Aunt Fort have a car?  She can buy one!" (because it was a "car" card!)  I KNOW she was smiling.

Earlier, when we had just gotten home from the pool, Max had a poopy diaper.  I changed it. About 15 minutes later, he had ANOTHER poopy diaper.  About half an hour later, he wasn't around and I said "Max. Where are you?  What are you doing?"  He said "Pooping."  I found him, picked him up and said "NO YOU AREN'T"...and took him to the bathroom, took the diaper off, sat him on the toilet, and said "NOW you can poop."  In the meantime, Donny and Andrew followed us into the bathroom - we were all waiting for something to happen.  Max was crying..."Pamma.  I don't know HOW to do it.  I am only TWO (holding up two fingers)...I'm just a baby!"  And out of NOWHERE, I said "Max.  The Poop Fairy is right outside the window.  If you poop in the toilet, he'll bring you something.  ANYTHING you want. "  Right away, Andrew says "Pamma, can I see him????"  So we opened the window, and I said "he must be invisible"....which satisfied Drew.  Now Max is sitting there, with a confused look on his face, but STILL sitting on the toilet.  "Pamma, where is he?  Can I see him?  What does he have?"  I told him he had to poop in the toilet before he would get something.  At this point, I sent Donny and Drew OUT of the bathroom, got a book to read to Max while he was sitting (really TRYING to poop)...and read GO DOG GO (should have been GO MAX GO...huh?).
Well, he must have grunted for 5 minutes, and nothing was happening, so I let him get down, and told him that if he goes at home, to call me and give me his list so I can get it to the Poop Fairy.
Sounds like a kid's book, doesn't it???  That's my NEXT project.  (After getting the BLOG published). 

I have an idea for a book about teachers too.  Plus every room in my house is going to get a little

(And, OH. By the way...Max will be 3 August 20. So even though he IS the BABY of the family...we are ready to get him potty trained...his mom and dad too!)
Why did I wait so long to retire?

And for some reason...I've been a little down for the last  couple of days.  Thinking a lot about Melissa and missing her.  Some days are like that.  The nice thing now is I can spend a day thinking about her, not get out of bed if I don't feel like it...because those days aren't EVERY day any more.  But they still happen...when I least expect it.  So the last couple of days have been pretty laid back.
I made a slideshow of Melissa (and one of Drew & Max too!)  WITH music.  I can watch whenever I'm missing her. Makes me cry...but makes me smile too.  I was such a lucky mom to have a daughter like Melissa....not just my daughter, but my best friend too.

She would expect me to end with photos of Drew and Max, and of course I have plenty. But will just share a few....

                                        Max & Pamma at Grandpa Irv's
                                       Drew, Pamma, Grandpa Irv
                          Max looks up to his big brother...literally...
                                       Aunt Fort's present
                                     and she can buy a car too!!! more thing....Angie stopped by yesterday.  We are in the process of getting a
date for another FIREBIRDS for FORT Fundraiser.  Just like the first one.  If you are interested
in helping out OR donating something, let one of us know!!!  The tentative date is Saturday,
October 6 (if the Union Hall is available that day!)

Enjoy the cooler weather - finally.