Fifteen years ago, posting on the blog was something I did on a more regular basis. I felt like I needed to keep it up for Melissa. When she was in the hospital, then Hospice, I would encourage her to write when she was feeling up to it. It was easier to keep everyone updated on the blog than to make phone calls or text. I remember one time in the hospital, she had the the laptop on her lap. She kept falling asleep, and had a hard time entering the password. When her eyes were closed (I THOUGHT she was asleep!), I reached for the laptop to put the password in. She stopped me...she held on to the laptop, looked at me and said "What was the theme of my childhood???" My first thought was "I'm her mother. I should KNOW that...." Then she said "I can do it myself". I laughed, because it was SO true. She was very independent. Always. So I let her do it herself. She was able to post up until Christmas Eve. Her last post. Just a few days after Christmas she was having a hard time breathing. She had oxygen at home (our house), but it wasn't enough. The Hospice nurse came to check on her and said she needed to go back to Hospice. She wasn't happy about that. She loved being "home". But that wasn't an option.
So she was back at Hospice. Five days. No energy to post, much less stay awake very long.
After she passed, I finally realized I had to do something. I was literally rolled in a ball on the couch for a couple of weeks. I sat up one day and told Donny I wanted to go to the girls basketball game. It was the last thing she wanted to do, that she never got a chance to do. She wanted to go Christmas shopping and we got her to Target, in a wheelchair with oxygen, just a few days before Christmas. But we never got her to the game. So we started going. And haven't stopped. 15 years later.
The other thing that helped me was updating on the blog. A few people continued to follow. What I found was writing was cathartic for me. Helped me get through the hard days. Eventually found Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who lost a child (or children). I volunteered to be the librarian for the chapter, and got involved on the steering committee. Writing was always helpful for me, so I volunteered to run a meeting. At that session, everyone got a Composition Notebook and a pen. And we wrote. Memories of our kids. Letters to our kids. Funny things they said or did. How we got through bad days. What might be helpful to other bereaved parents.
It helped me to share my good days and bad days, and what I learned through my new friends at Compassionate Friends. In the last few years, I've only updated on her anniversary (or as some say, Angelversary). Kind of helps me to look back on the year and to realize that I have made progress. Early on, it was something as simple as going to the grocery store. Or answering the phone. What I was feeling that first year was physical pain. There is literally physical pain when you lose a child. It took a few years to realized that I was NOT alone. I would not be the last person to lose a child. And I could be there to comfort the next bereaved parent. Helping is healing. I used the blog to help non-bereaved parents understand how to walk through the mine field of a bereaved parents emotions.
But mostly, I've updated so I can look back, when I feel like I accomplished nothing in the last year, and see that, YES, I did find a way to live my new life, and to enjoy each day. Of course, there are days (still) that I would prefer to be alone in my thoughts. Donny and I are both still grieving. Right now, he is working on a list of all the funny things she (ever) said. Fortunately, I wrote a lot of things down. Plus we have the blog to refer to. When she was in the hospital and Hospice, I kept meticulous notes of doctors appointments, medications, phone numbers, messages. And funny things she said. That will be another post!
So to prove to myself that we are indeed living life to the fullest, I take pictures to look back on. We seem to get busier every year. I thought I had them in chronological order, but the blog evidently picks the order.
Andrew (or Drew, as Fort called him), is now a sophomore in HS. Started on Varsity football this year, right guard. Not a good season for the team, but he did well, learned a lot. And we made every game.
Softball wives met for lunch. Great group!
Our concert friends. And Wilmington friends...and Compassionate Friends.
All mixed together. Rooster & Mary, Mange & Mary, Randi & Carolyn.
Grade school friend, Marianne.
High school friends Dave and Gary (Gary is grade school friend too)
Celebrating Melissa's birthday. Tradition.
Easter at Aunt Judy's
I think this was Mother's Day.
Andrew. Lacrosse.
Our neighbors son, Mike and his wife Leslie. And Nick.
Mike was a senior in high school when we moved in. Nick was 3.
They were in town for a visit!
At Chris and Jenn's wedding. Mere, Nicole, Megan
Jan, Mike, me
Chris (groom) and me (Uncle Pam to Chris)
Andrew/goalie.
Max got to be the goalie in a game just to try it out.
Mother's Day luncheon at Walnut Grove Country Club.
My Mother's Day gift. Laying mulch and planting flowers!
Mother's Day.
Family photo day.
Fort Scholarship Winners 2023
Megan Sherrick, Sophia Raucci, Lena Barr, O'Malley Quinlan
Mother's Day at Walnut Grove
Alexandria, VA with Chris and Jenn (DC Trip with Andrew and Max)
Sam Pearson 5K (with Randi and Carolyn Pearson)
Happy Birthday Donny and Mike
PopPop, Max, Andrew
Quality time with Ed & Lynn (at Carmel's-now closed)
Second Street Market with Madeline, Susan & Kathryn
Kelts reunion (with Chuck)
Andrew/goalie.
Hilton Head
Hilton Head
High School friends (Carroll) Carla, Marianne, Jaye
47th wedding anniversary @ Cooper's hawk
After Lacrosse game.
Gettysburg with Andrew and Max
DC with Andrew & Max
Poultry Days with Andrew and Jim Schulte
Getting ready to enter the White House!
Lunch at The Hamilton (across from WH) with high school friend, Patti.
Lunch at The Hamilton with Chris, Patti and Jaye and the boys
Old Towne Alexandria with Chris and Jenn
Celebrating with Nick and Matthew
Max
Concert at the Fraze
Rooftop Beatles Tribute - with lead guitarist Patrick Himes (son of Sally Himes, former
co-worker at Moraine Meadows!) with Ed & Lynn
Hilton Head
Max's game. Couldn't figure out why every time he came out of the game (he played both sides of the ball) he was on the bench. Didn't look good after the game. Went to doctor next day, Strep throat!
But he played the entire game and didn't complain.
My birthday buddy, John (high school friend)
Visit to Melissa, John and JP...on a regular basis.
Andrew spotlighted before game.
Promo for Fort 5K.
High school friend, Karen, in town from Alabama.
Karen (in green), Diane, June, Marla, me, Susan
At party at Josh and Brent's
First day of school. Max (8th grade), Andrew (sophomore)
Willy and Ricki's wedding
Mary and Frank in town for a visit! (Mary and I went to Carroll our freshman year, then both transferred to different high schools. Have been friends for 55 years!!!
Max. Offense.
Myrtle Beach softball tournament. Me, Linda, Cuda, Judy, Gary
Andrew and Coach.
Went to see The Grinch at The Schuster with Debbie and Lisa (MM friends)
Kelts Breast Cancer Fundraiser.
Show at the Schuster with Ed & Lynn
Fort 5K with Jim & Kim (longtime friends, and volunteers at 5K)
Us with Kaylah @ 5K (Fairmont basketball player)
Karen and Charley at 5K (drove up from Alabama for the event!)
Boys and girls basketball teams volunteered at 5K
At the Capitol of the United States with Chris, Andrew and Max
Inside door on Pennsylvania Avenue (under Presidential Seal)
600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Kaylah, Nico and us after a game
Matthew (my nephew) invited us to the ceremony at Sinclair when he completed the
class for Journeyman Electrician
At Shamrock Classic in Washington, DC. Notre Dame vs. Illinois
Us with Maddy Westbeld (ND) after the game.
Us with Adalia McKenzie (Illinois) after the game
Thanksgiving at Nick and Mere's
Me and Kelly Hart (Fort Award winner) after Hall of Fame for Cassie Sant
Marla (best friend from high school, and in our wedding) & me (going to Rubi Girls)
Me and India Summer (Brent)
Ran into JaVonna Layfield (friend/former player) at UD basketball game!
Ran into Calamity McIntire at Fairmont/Springboro game. (Ass't coach at IL)
Me and Ace (I used to babysit Ace.) Ran into him & his mom at Fairmont game!
Me and Amanda Westbeld. She's illustrating a children's book I wrote!!
Fortener Christmas
Nick and Santa.
Game time at Fortener's. Losers.
Annual photo. We need to take it earlier!
Coach Green at Illinois keeps a Fort bracelet on her water bottle.
Fort is at more games than I am.
Celebrating Melissa's 46th birthday.
Berlin, OH for Classic in the Country Basketball
Patti (high school friend) in town for Class reunion
Celebrating birthdays with Donny's siblings
Visit to Illinois Women's basketball to share Melissa's story before Pink game.
Feb. 2023
This year, I'm sharing at U of Akron (head coach, Ryan Gentler, former Illini Ass't.)and
Ohio University both before Pink games.
Carillon Park Christmas
Shauna Green after Illinois/OSU game
Jan 2023
Joan Raine and me. Former colleague from Greenmont. 1985.
She was a Kindergarten teacher, I worked on playground & in cafeteria.
She was Cassie Sant's kindergarten teacher and attended the Hall of Fame for Cassie.
At Illinois
Ran into Jenna Burdette and Jenna Giaccone at Lock 27 Brewery downtown.
Both former players at UD, now coaches. Jenna B @ Marshall and Jenna G. @ IL.
March Madness at ND. Illinois played, then ND.
Washington, DC
Basketball Fort Award Recipient, Grace Buskard
ND at Ball State
Concert at the Murphy Theatre in Wilmington with Mange and Mary
ND @ Louisville. Me and Donny. Susan & Jim Westbeld behind us.
Game where Olivia Miles got hurt (her dad is far right, next to Donny.)
She's been out all of this year.
This photo is hanging in our living room.
They both seem so content. And happy.
Celebrating Melissa's birthday at BDubs. Just happened to be
sitting next to some Ruggers. ( I was eavesdropping on their conversation.
Figured out they were ruggers. They didn't KNOW her, but knew OF her. I love it)
Jenn's bridal shower.
Kathryn surprised Maddy at ND game! Flew in from Europe and totally surprised her!)
Dinner after game
Cassie Sant's induction into Fairmont Hall of Fame
Chelsea and Cassie (former Fairmont players)
Adalia McKenzie. Playing for Fort
After the game.
Went to see Madison Bartley play at Ball State (when she played for Belmont) Now plays for Baylor.
Me and Kaylah.
Stopped to see Karen and Charley in Alabama on way to Ryan and Macey's wedding.
Ryan's wedding weekend
Donny, Chris, Nick
Macey, Donny, me, Ryan
Max's game
Andrew's game
Bart's game
Maddy's game
Nail spa after Maddy's game
WW Class of 73 50 year reunion with Marla
Fort's blog. Had to put their smiling faces here.
this is the photo on their headstone.
Matthew's Teresa's granddaughter (Riley?) at Carillion Christmas
Tree trimmers singing Happy Birthday to our neighbor, Shirley on
her 88th birthday!
So the answer to "How do you survive the loss of a child???" We hear that a lot. The answer is, you don't have a choice. You learn to live with it. And for us, sharing Melissa's story, enjoying our grandchildren, and enjoying the things Melissa loved has helped us.
And I have said this before. I will NEVER stop talking about her. Sharing her story. Unfortunately, I have no new stories, but she lived HER life to the fullest and left us with a lot of memories. We are forever grateful for that.
Love you and miss you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY Melissa Marie.
%5B1%5D.jpg)
