In like a lamb...out like a lion

That is actually how MARCH is supposed to begin and end.  For us, it was January.

As much as I struggle from November until mid January, this year I actually was able to get some things accomplished.

Beginning the month, I chose to stay in my pj's all day on January 3rd and just remember Melissa ALL day.  Sue called me first thing in the morning just to say that she knew today would be hard, but she was there for me.  We talked for a little bit, and that would be the last time I would talk to her.  Ever.  If I had known, I would have talked a lot longer than I did.

Saturday, January 5th was Melissa's 35th birthday.  We celebrated just like we always did with her, lunch at China Cottage.  When we got home, we got a call from the Nelson's, good friends of ours.
Greg was just released from the hospital that day, and wanted to go out to dinner.  So we met them.
Then they wanted to go to the boys basketball game, so we did that too.  (hard to believe I could do THAT much on Melissa's birthday, but we did).  When I got home, I realized that I hadn't talked to Sue all day, and that was very unusual...because I talked to her EVERY day for the last four years.  But especially because it was Melissa's birthday.

Sunday, January 6 we had the annual balloon release for Melissa's birthday.  I thought Matthew & Jen were bringing Sue.  They thought she was coming with us.  When I got  a call from dad asking why no one called him on Saturday, not even Sue , who called HIM every day too, I was concerned...I tried calling her, then I checked her FB page and it looked like she had posted something. So I wasn't as worried, but went to check on her later that evening anyway.  Her lights were on but she wasn't answering her phone, so I thought she was sleeping.

When she didn't answer her phone all day the next day, after Nick picked up the boys Donny and I went over, found someone to let us in the building, then pounded on her door - the dog was barking and the tv was on and she didn't answer.  I called 911, texted Matthew (her son, who had just moved back from Pittsburgh the week before after 4 years).  He got there before the police did...and found a way to get into the apartment where we found her.    After January 3, 2009, the worst day of my life.

We decided on a Memorial for Sue.  A good friend of ours, Mark Franz, helped us get Greenmont
Hall...I called him and he met me that day to sign all the papers.

This the Greenmont Hall at Sue's Memorial Service.  It was a Celebration of her life.  Mark is in the red shirt - his best friend of 50 years, Rick Fortener (Donny's cousin) is next to him in the blue shirt.

A week after the memorial, we had plans to go to Berlin, Ohio (Amish Country) for a high school basketball tournament that the Fairmont girls were playing in...and we decided to go.  I needed to keep busy THIS time.  It was a good diversion.

Firebirds honor Fort...

she would LOVE this!

Got home from Berlin in time for a 90th birthday celebration for my good friend Ruth's husband Bruce. 

One of the better days in January...(Ruth passed away 2 years ago from breast cancer also).

End of the month...not so good.  Mark (our friend who helped us get the hall for Sue's Memorial), was having chest pains on the last day in January.  Drove himself to the emergency room where he was admitted.  Ended up have a quadruple bypass the following Wednesday.  Things did not go well and he passed away that evening.  

The day before his surgery, Mark was getting all his things in order...including his wishes in the event that things did not  go well.  He requested a celebration "like Sue's"....  his memorial was last night and it was an amazing tribute to his life...a TRUE Franz celebration, with great stories, laughter (and of course a few tears, which from what I heard from a member of his family, he said "too many tears at Sues' memorial"...) Hard not to shed tears for someone who touched your life...

This is Mark with his daughters, Kristi and Nikki.  They both played on our softball team last summer...the reason we won the league AND the tournament (they both went to college on softball scholarships - Nikki graduated last year, Kristi is still playing)...he was SO proud of his girls.

After our softball games, we would go to Angi's (a local bar that sponsors our team)...and he would have us laughing the entire time we were there.  He told the best stories.

Donny and I were talking about this - the fact that his girls FINALLY got to play on this team.

It has been together for probably 30 years - starting with Marks sisters, sister in laws, then his nieces...it is really a Franz family softball team.  About 30 years ago I was invited to play on the team and have been there ever since.  This is an AMAZING family.  Eleven kids.  The oldest, JEF, passed away several years ago.  Somehow, we have become a part of this family.  Melissa and John's first date was to Julie (Franz) and Kevin Cates wedding.  They were all at her and John's reception.  (Melissa always said we were "Franz wannabe's"...it was true.  They all helped out at Sue's Memorial.  We are so blessed to be part of that family.  

This is the Franz Women's team...nine of our players are Franz's. The rest are Franz wannabe's...

Mark will be missed...he was a generous, funny, caring man.

RIP Mark ~ you are loved and will be missed!

****

Despite the (for loss of a better word) crappiness of the month of January...I feel like I need to end with some smiles.  Melissa would have it no other way.

A "serious" family photo...or so I thought.  Andrew took this picture.

PopPop and Max bonding...with their tablets.

Working on a science project at Pamma's..."Will it sink, or will it float?"

Sisters.

Good times.

Pulled this one out of the archives...I took this photo on the beach in Provincetown (on Cape Cod)...

I'm guessing that these canoes are probably covered with snow right now...Provincetown is a beautiful place in the summer!

***

Sometimes I ask myself how am I going to get through another day....I am so tired of losing people that I love.  I don't know HOW I do it.  I just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and go.  

I miss Sue and her phone calls. EVERY day.  

I miss Melissa.  Every minute of every day.  But I know I will be with her again.  I have Donny, and Nick, and Andrew, Max and Meredith.  And my dad.  And my sister Donna. And a lot of great friends.  So until it is my turn, I'll work to find a little happiness in each day.  And remember not to sweat the small stuff...and in my life, pretty much EVERYTHING is small stuff. 

"NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU HAVE IT, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE IN YOUR SHOES."   ~Fort

It's what I live by.

SUE

....my new best friend.  Gone.
How does this happen?  Why am I asking this question again?????

My beautiful sister Sue passed away Saturday...Melissa's birthday.
She called me EVERY day for the last four years.  Always asked about ME.  Very seldom did she talk about herself...she was taking care of me.

I miss her phone calls every day.  I guess I am on my own now...except for Donny.  She knew how good Donny was and she told him several times lately..."I love that you are taking care of Pam."

I wish I could have done more for her....I wish she would have called me...

I miss her so much.  My life is forever changed... again.

Love you Sue.  RIP.

Happy 35th Birthday Melissa...

"There are some 

who bring a light so great to the world

that even after they have gone, 

the light remains."

~ unknown

Melissa Marie

Right now, Fort would be rolling her eyes.  Every year on my kids birthday, I tell the story of the day they were born.  I think it was mostly so I wouldn't forget...I figured some day they might actually like to hear the story.  Never got to that point with Melissa, sorry to say.  But just the thought of her rolling her eyes brings a smile to my face (and tears to my eyes)...

January 5, 1978.

5:30 a.m.  I wake up to mild contractions.  Plenty of time to get to the hospital.  It is an unusually warm winter morning.  I guess you could call it the calm before the storm.  No snow on the ground. Yet.  We are all packed (have been for awhile) ready to go.  Have a deck of cards, just in case this baby is going to take it's time (back in those days, they didn't do routine ultrasounds.  If you wanted to know what you were having, the doctor would make an educated guess based on the babies heart rate. ) We arrived at the hospital around 6 a.m.  Started me on pitosin  to get the contractions a little stronger.  Melissa Marie arrived at 1:19 p.m., during All My Children.  (Yep, even in 1978 we could watch tv in the delivery room, if you had a natural delivery...as opposed to a C section).  Insurance companies actually paid for a couple of extra days for the mom to recuperate.  In those couple of days, it started snowing. A couple of inches a day. By the time it was time to leave the hospital, there were several inches on the ground.  The day Donny (daddy) was to come to pick us up, our car wouldn't start (1974 Gremlin X)...so Uncle George (Kayser) came to the rescue.  He picked up Donny, then came to St. Elizabeth Hospital to pick Melissa and me up.  I sat in the front seat HOLDING Melissa.  No car seats in those days either.  Two weeks later, the Blizzard of '78 hit.  (This was a REAL blizzard, not  what we had here a week ago!)  Dayton was pretty much shut down for about three days.  But we made it through, with the help of friends with four wheel drives stopping by to check in to make sure we didn't need anything, which we did...were running low on formula and they took care of us.  That little girl went through a lot at the beginning of her life and at the end of her life...

What a treasure and a blessing we had.  For almost 31 years.  I was blessed that she called me mom...and my best friend too.  We will always celebrate her birthday...and I will continue to tell the story of the day she was born.  I don't know how to STOP telling it.  Bought her a card too.  Too hard to walk through the cards past the "Daughter" cards.  I can't do it.  So she still gets a card.

Later today we will have lunch at China Cottage, a tradition on her birthday.   Then, the Fairmont girls play at home (Alumni Day too) and we'll go there...that is exactly what we would do if she were here...she would be so proud of this team.  Especially that her cousin Lindsey is playing.  She watched her play when Lindsey was in grade school...she would be so proud of her.  

I can't believe we have celebrated four birthdays without her.  I still doesn't seem possible...fortunately we have multitudes of photos and videos and memories.   

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thought you might enjoy a few other photos I found of Fort ~

She was bound and determined to play basketball...

...not difficult to find a picture of her TALKING...she was one in this picture, walking AND talking!

and had to add a couple of photos from this Christmas ---

Nick acting silly ~ Fort is with him.  Do you see her? (over his head!)

Pamma & PopPop with Andrew & Max

Oh...and one interesting story to add.  Andrew and Max were painting at the dining room table. I was sitting in the living room reading.  All of a sudden Max looks at me and says "Pamma, do you hear Aunt Fort's music?"  The TV was off, there was no radio on.  I wish I knew what HE heard.  Is Fort talking to Max?  Wouldn't surprise me at all.  

She is with us.  I am SURE of that.

You will never be forgotten Melissa.  

We love you and miss you so much...

Happy Birthday pretty girl!

~*~

If there is ever a tomorrow

when we are not together...

there is something 

you must remember:

You are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is,

even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you.

~Winnie the Pooh

by A.A. Milne

4

Four years.

How can that be?  It was yesterday...wasn't it?

Each year on the anniversary, I reflect on the previous year.  Have I made progress?  Is the pain any less?  What can I do?  What can't I do?  What positive changes have I made to my life that will help me get through TODAY?

I can honestly say that, with the help of the Compassionate Friends, I have made progress.  Part of the reality of knowing you have made progress is helping others "new" in their grief.  When you can see the pain on their faces, hear the pain in their voices...when you have been there, you can feel it too.
At the beginning of the CF meetings, they say "if you see someone laughing or smiling, take it as a sign of hope..."  The smiles do eventually happen...the laughter too.

So, what CAN I do?
*I go out more than I used to. In fact, I enjoy meeting one or two friends for breakfast/lunch/dinner! * I actually got out the stockings at Christmas, the ornaments, listened to Christmas music, and sent cards (not without tears, but I did it).  *I occasionally make phone calls. Not as often as I used to, but sometimes. * I answer the phone (when I'm home alone)...still make Donny answer the phone when he is home.  *I can go to Fairmont girls basketball games...have been able to do that from the beginning (four years ago). It was what SHE loved.

What can't I do?
*Still have no desire to go out with groups of people.  More comfortable in smaller settings...although we are going out for "115 years of Greatness" dinner.  *Several of Fort's friends celebrate Stacy's, Pauly's and Melissa's birthdays.  Started with "100 years of Greatness" when Melissa and Stacy turned 30 and Pauly turned forty.  *Dancing.  I used to love to dance at parties and weddings.  My body just says "NO" now.  I think it's part of the "celebrating" thing I just can't get past. Yet.
*Parties.  Unless they are with Melissa's friends.

And I will be honest here too.  I LOVE seeing Melissa's friends.  I love getting together with her friends. I love that they stay in touch.  But it is hard watching their lives go on when hers was cut short. Still doesn't seem fair to me.  She should be HERE.

Is the pain any less?
Never.  It is with me EVERY SINGLE DAY.  There is a hole in my heart that physically aches.

What positive changes have I made to help me get through TODAY?
I think the biggest thing is reaching out to other parents who have lost children.  I know how much it helped me, and I want to do the same.  Pay it forward.  Also volunteer Wednesday morning in my friend Rodney's 5th grade class.  Helps ME, I hope I am helping THEM.  I keep in touch with Mike, Jackie's husband and Bruce, my friend Ruth's husband (who will be 90 this year!)...they lost their spouses...I want them to know that Jackie and Ruth will never be forgotten!  (just a note here...that is all  ANYONE who has lost a loved one wants...that they never be forgotten...)

So.  Have I made progress?
I have.  Maybe in some small ways.  But I have.  I am still here.  That is a MAJOR accomplishment.  And I am blessed to have friends who still call me on a regular basis (even though I don't call them) and get together with some friends on a regular basis (Marla, Rodney/Josh/Debbie, Donna Runzo, Angie, Roxy, Marianne, Jennifer, my cousin Jan, my cousin Sue and of course my sister Sue who calls on a daily basis!)
My goal for this year is to get better at keeping in touch.  If not by phone, then by text.

And of course Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max have been very good at keeping me busy (exhausted and loving it and thankful for five days to recuperate!) and loving me...and DONNY.  Without him, I would probably not be here.  He is my rock.  I can only hope that I have been as supportive of him as he has been of me.

  Four years ago this week, there were SO MANY random acts of kindness to our family, I couldn't count them all...we tried to thank everyone who did something to help us out, but I am sure that we missed some.  In honor of those who helped out in some way in the weeks following Melissa's death, all we can do at this point is pay it forward.  Please know that we are so thankful to all our friends, relatives and Melissa's friends and colleagues who reached out to us.  You will never know how much it meant to us....

In Melissa's memory, please reach out to someone with a Random Act of Kindness today.  Smile at someone who looks sad, call (or text) your parents, siblings, spouse and tell them you love them...and most  of all, give your kids an extra hug today.  And ALWAYS tell them you love them.  I'm so glad I did...

                                   Melissa Marie Fortener McLaughlin
                                                     "FORT"
                                    January 5, 1978 ~ January 3, 2009

4 years....

This is, and will probably always be, a rough week for me.  Today, four years ago, Melissa went back to Hospice for the final time.  I can't sleep.  I remember this week so well.  Like it was yesterday.  On this  day, she got up and wanted to take a shower.  I wouldn't let her.  I was afraid she would fall in the shower.  Plus she had to have her oxygen...the ONE thing she wanted, and I wouldn't give it to her.  One simple thing.
When I try to close my eyes to sleep, I see her taking her last breath.  I shake my head and try to get that vision OUT of my head.  But it won't go away.

Haven't been on FB in a couple of days, but went there today to Compassionate Friends.  A reminder that I am not alone.  Found this article.  Some people can put into words what I am feeling better than I can.  Ann Hood did just that in this article:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Providence, R.I. -  We are stunned.  We are outraged.  As a nation, we are questioning laws on gun control, questioning how such a thing can happen.  These are all appropriate responses to the tragedy in Newtown, Conn.  But there is a repercussion to all this that will continue long after laws are changed and life, unbelievably, life gets back to normal:  the grief of the parents of the 20 children killed.  How many times have I heard that this is a parent's worst nightmare? As someone who has lived the nightmare of losing a child, I know that the enormous hole left behind remains forever.

My daughter Grace, was not killed by a gun.  She died suddenly at age 5 from a virulent form of strep.  As I stood stunned in a church at her memorial, one of the hardest things I heard someone say was "I'm going to go home and hug my child a little tighter."  Well, good for you, I thought.  I'm going to go home and scream.

What can be said in light of such grief?  What can you do?  The problem is that no on can give the parents what they want most:  their child.  Long after the memorials fade and the casseroles stop coming, that child is still dead, and those parents are still grieving.

I offer here what I have learned about grief in the 10 years since my Gracie died:  I learned that platitudes don't work.  Time doesn't heal.  She is not in a better place.  God does give us more than we can bear sometimes.  I have learned that even in the face of loss, clothes still get dirty and bills still need to get paid.  Friends who laundered our socks and answered our emails, who mowed our lawn and put gas in our cars, helped us - a lot.  The friend who came one afternoon and went through Gracie's backpack, carefully storing her kindergarten workbook and papers, hanging her art on the refrigerator and her raincoat on its hook in the mudroom, had more courage than the ones who told me to call any time.
Some friends sat with me day after day, week after week and, yes, month after month, and let me talk while they listened.   I told the story of Grace's last day over and over, as if by telling it I could make sense of what happened to her, to us.  But there is no sense to be made of such tragedy, and when I realized that, they let me wail and bang my fists and curse.

As time passes, people return to their ordinary lives, while grieving parents no longer have ordinary lives.  They are redefining themselves, and they are at a loss at how to move forward.  There is a woman who still sends me a card on Grace's birthday and every Mother's Day, who sent cards weekly for more than a year, a lifeline to a grieving mother.  The people who even now, a decade later, still say Grace's name, still comment on her quirky style and artistic talents and love of the Beatles, continue to help me through my days, simply by remembering her.  How easy it is to look away from frief, as if it might be contagious, or too frightening to face.  But the Newtown parents have a difficult, lifelong journey through grief ahead of them.  Somehow, the seasons will change, the anniversaries will stack up one after the other.  They will, unbelievably, smile again.  They will make dinner and change jobs and buy clothes and celebrate and travel.  They will go on.  But there will always, always, be this grief, softened and dulled but present every minute of every day.

Do not forget that.  Look them in the eye.  Take them in your arms, and do not let them go.

Ann Hood is a novelist and short-story writer living in Providence, R.I.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So this week, I will lay low.

Have the boys tomorrow, Monday, New Years Eve, overnight, and New Years Day.

Our last New Years Eve with Melissa, we toasted the New Year ~ John and Donny had a beer. We were asleep by 9.  At 10:30, there was a loud crash...Melissa fell.  She got up to go to the bathroom.  Took off her oxygen, got up, and fell by the door.  When the nurse asked her why she didn't call for help, she said "I didn't want to wake anyone up."  She could do it herself.  The "theme of her childhood"...

So "celebrating" a new year just doesn't seem right to me any more.

Not sure how many people knew this, but this was the week that JP was going to be delivered too.  Except he decided to come a couple of months early.

We will get through this week.  The boys will help tomorrow.

Thursday, four years, will come and go just like the last three.  And Saturday we will celebrate her birthday just the way she liked it.  Lunch at China Cottage.  Tradition.  Then we'll go to the girl's basketall game.  She would want to do that if she were here.  And somehow, we'll get through another year without her.

And I hate it.

Read more here: http://www.heraldonline.com/2012/12/23/4505027/no-time-does-not-heal-all-wounds.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://www.heraldonline.com/2012/12/23/4505027/no-time-does-not-heal-all-wounds.html#storylink=cpy

December BUSYness

Just the thought of the holidays is, well, UGH.

But I will admit that I did accomplish more than I EVER thought I would EVER again.  I think maybe because I am home and I could choose to sit and reminisce (and cry) all day, every day, or I could keep busy...I chose the latter this year.

Photos for me tell the story (did for Fort too)...

Met some "old" friends from Moraine Meadows...Judy (in the green) was in from Florida.  She retired two years after I started at MM.  Cole only worked there my first two years too.  Debbie is STILL teaching.

                                                                *~*~*~*~*~*

I volunteer on Wednesdays at Beavertown, where Melissa & Nick went to elementary school.  My good friend from MM, Rodney, teaches there now.  His class was making ornaments, and he invited Andrew & Max to come in.  He had two of his students working with them.  They had a great time and it was something to keep them busy for awhile!~)

                                                                   *~*~*~*~*~*~

My dad built this "crib" right after he and mom were married. It's a Nativity.  I remember laying in front of it when I was a kid.  Now my grandkids are enjoying it.  Thanks Dad!

                                                       
                                                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*

 Pop Pop teaching Andrew and Max to play "war".    They both picked up on the game very quickly.  Max soon understood that the King was a good card to have.  When he and Andrew had a "war", instead of turning over the top card, he looked through his pile and said "I think I'll use this one". (fortunately Andrew wasn't looking)...he knew what it would take to get the cards.  Will have to keep him away from the casinos...

Andrew and Max had Dentist appointments...so I dropped in to help Mere out.  It's amazing how they handle toddlers now.  They have a tv above the chair showing a kids movie...worked wonders to keep them still!  (sunglasses were for the light the dentist uses) Two happy campers!

Had another Moraine Meadows get together yesterday, the first day of break for the teachers.

In this photo, I am with Todd (our custodian at MM) and Roxy, who was our counselor for one year. Her daughter Carrie was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer about a year after Melissa was diagnosed.  She was pregnant too, had her baby, Jacob, who is 6 or 7 now.  Carrie died three days before HER birthday, six months before Melissa.  Roxy and I get together at least one a month, usually at Delco park to walk and talk.  She has been a lifesaver for me, and I hope I for her.  

Me, Carrie, our kindergarten teacher (who was my "neighbor" at MM for probably 15 yrs), and Marge, our secretary for several years.

 Missy, fifth grade teacher now at Oakview, Marie, first grade teacher now at Oakview and Debbie, third grade teacher at Southdale.  BEST staff EVER.

After meeting with my friends from Moraine Meadows last night, I picked up my good friend from high school, Marla.  Her daughter Mikala got us tickets (great tickets by the way!) to the Nutcracker at the Schuster.  It was awesome.  Thanks Mikala and Marla! 

Melissa always wanted to go to the Nutcracker...I don't know why we didn't do it.  One of those things that I regret this time of year...

*~*~*~*~*

This is a group of seniors from Dennison University football team at the Breast Cancer Awareness football game. They are all wearing FORT Bracelets.  Player behind #13 is Ted Kuntz.  His dad, George Kuntz had this picture made for us.  He said the officials in the game actually let them wear the bracelets during the game!  Ted was the defensive player of the game!  He also said that all of the players in the picture were All Conference players...pretty impressive.  Thanks George, for remembering and honoring Melissa!

Now I will close with a funny story about Max.  Actually an embarrassing story about me.  A story about me and Max. (Melissa would have posted this the DAY it happened.  I can hear her laughing now...)

He was being really cute on Monday morning.  Good.  Which is kind of unusual for Max.  Really.  I decide to take a couple of pictures while he's being so cute.  Then I put the camera on the landing (going upstairs).

I wasn't feeling well, and although I wouldn't normally talk about the bathroom, but that's the story... I was sitting on the toilet, bent over in pain, and I hear "Pamma."  I look up, and  'FLASH'.  Max took a picture...of me, sitting on the toilet.  Needless to say, the picture was deleted immediately.  So, sorry, no picture to go with THAT story.  (reminds of ANOTHER bathroom story... when Nick was little, maybe 3 or 4) He was at the neighbors house and they asked "how is your mommy"... Nick said "She has CWAMPS.  WEAL bad"....they never forgot that.  Neither did Donny.  We STILL laugh about that)...
Oh, and as for the picture? Donny said it was EVIDENCE that I DO get a break when I have the kids. I just deleted the evidence.  (He heard MANY times how elementary teachers some days never even get a bathroom break. Which is true.)  Ok. I DO get bathroom breaks, but they are always in the bathroom with me.  Just like Bandit.  But that's ANOTHER story.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
OH!  and one more thing...we are still following the Fairmont girl's basketball team.  They are having an incredible season.  It's early in the season, but as of today, they are 7~0, ranked 11th in the COUNTRY.  Haven't seen the state rankings yet.

Hope I made you smile today.   I made ME smile remembering those stories.  I need that, especially this time of year...

I'll be back on Christmas day.

Enjoy your families, and take LOTS of pictures.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Love you and miss you EVERY day Melissa!

Progress...

It is closing in on Christmas, a time of year I dread.   Amazingly, to me at least, I have been able to accomplish a lot more than I ever thought possible (at least in the last four years).  I have shopped for gifts, wrapped the gifts AND sent Christmas cards.  Couldn't even THINK about doing those things the last three years.
I have thought a lot about getting stockings out.  The last three years just thinking about it brought the tears...thought about getting out the ornaments for the tree.  We do put up a tree, but it's a small tree, bought it our first Christmas without Melissa.  Bought new ornaments and just put up stockings for Andrew & Max.  Mini stockings for everyone else.
I told Donny last night I had no desire to listen to Christmas music either.  He said he felt the same way...

So, what am I doing today?  Well, will start with last night.  I am in the process of moving all our photos from the PC to my new laptop.  I have a flash drive and it's a slow process.  Sitting at the computer I started going through some drawers on a shelf on the desk.  Found an old flash drive and was HOPING that it would be Melissa's...there are a lot of different things, but one thing of Melissa's ~ something she wrote for the beginning of the book SHE was going to write.  I remember her talking about writing it.  I printed it and brought it up and started reading it to Donny.  We were laughing AND crying...OH how I miss her writing.  It is not complete, but it will be the beginning of the book WE will have published.  FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY.  Makes fun of me a lot.  I love that.  And I am embarrassed too.  It is hilarious.

Ok, so after reading that, I am not motivated to do anything around the house.  Could just sit and cry all day.  So I figured if I am going to sit and cry all day, I might as well have something to cry about.  So I got the stockings out of the attic...and I got the ornaments out of the basement...and I'm listening to Christmas music....and I'm crying....

I'm sitting on the floor by our little Christmas tree going through the ornaments...lots of ornaments MADE by Melissa, and lots of ornaments for Melissa (and Nick too of course!)...our little tree is going to fall over.  Found an ornament for JP too.  As I am sitting by the tree going through the ornaments, crying, and listening to Christmas music, the song "All I want for Christmas is You" comes on, and the puzzle goes off......SHE WAS WITH ME!  The whole time.  

So today will be a crying day...but I am making progress.  I am doing things I NEVER thought I'd ever do again.  And I'm pretty sure I'll do them again.  And I'm pretty sure I'll cry EVERY year when I do them.
I will NEVER stop missing her.  There is a heaviness in my chest that is always there.  It must be that hole in my heart....but she lets me know that she is beside me when I need her the most...

I would be remiss if I didn't post pictures of the nephew(s) she loved so much.  I'm pretty sure she's around them too...they talk about her all the time.  I love that.

Took the boys on a field trip to the Fairfield Mall.  They have a little Santa Train that you can ride through the Mall...they loved it.  So did I!

Decided it would be fun to make Christmas cookies with the boys...I was all organized.  Cookies baked, bowls of sprinkles with spoons (didn't trust them with the jars of sprinkles), and two tubs of icing...all out on the table ready to go when they got up from their nap.  I went into the kitchen to get something turned around and Max was eating the sprinkles out of the bowl...I guess he thought that was why I put the spoons in there!  "NO MAX...Ok. I guess these cookies will be for you and nobody else"  Then I turned around to get more spoons came back in and he was eating the ICING out of the tub.  AND it was a full moon that night. Grandparenting is so much more fun than parenting.  You get to send them home after days like these...

Speaking of days like these...it's nice to run into Santa when your out... you can take pictures and tell your grandchildren that you met Santa and he will be calling if they arent' good...Andrew said "why isn't he wearing his clothes?" I told him Santa doesnt' wear his Santa clothes when he goes out to eat...he doesn't want to spill anything on them.  It worked. He believed me. And by the way, Santa DID call.  Twice.  I videotaped it.  Made me want to cry.  Andrew got on the phone and was SO excited...for about five seconds.  Then he started saying "Yes. Yes. Ok Santa." (with a sad face).  Santa asked to talk to Max. Max gets on the phone and says RIGHT AWAY "I LOVE YOU SANTA".

Santa knows our elf's name is TWINKLES.  He mentioned Twinkles is calling him. 

Behavior hasn't changed....

oh well. It's Christmas...

 Took the boys shoe shopping...OMG.  Andrew is worse than a 16 year old girl...or a 60 year old lady...he tried on, no lie, 30 pairs of shoes before he found one he liked.  He has Xtra wide feet. That was part of the problem.  First shoes on Max that lit up suited him.  We all went home happy.

First ornaments I found...

I don't remember who gave this to Melissa, but she got it for her last Christmas. The little angel ornament says "Melissa" and the snowman was for JP.  Has his birthstone on it.

I won't lie.  We do kind of have shrines for Melissa.  (she would be ok with it though.  We put up all her trophies in her room and she said "what is this...a shrine to me?" we laughed and left it up. Still there...) Anyway, the blue hat was hers (LIFE IS GOOD) Last hat she wore.  The sunglasses are hers too. The little wall hanging says "A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be a friend".  That was us. And that is her stocking.  We had those made when they were little.  I hugged it for awhile when I found it...because it's one of the last things SHE touched.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I miss her more every day.  But I am making progress.  Our lives will never be the same without her, but while we are here, we will do the best we can because we have Nick, and Andrew, and Max, and Mere.   I think she is smiling.

Love you Melissa Marie....and miss you EVERY SINGLE DAY.