2nd ANNUAL FORT 5K

It's that time of year....put your running (walking) shoes on and get registered!

First of all, we want to thank Jared Parker's digital design class at Fairmont for their AWESOME Logo designs.  We had a hard time choosing, but we found one that will be perfect for the t-shirts and medals.

The submitted logos:

And the winner is....

Galen Nelson.  Great job!  Thanks Galen and all of Mr. Parker's class for your work on this project...it means a lot to our family!

Mr. Parker's Digital Design class

You'll see the winner when the invites go out on Facebook - there will also be advertisements throughout the Kettering Community - thanks to Orange Leaf Yogurt (Thanks Christy Bombatch!),

our Corporate Sponsor this year.

General Information - (to SAVE THE DATE!)

SPONSORED by the FAIRMONT ATHLETIC BOOSTERS

Date:  Saturday, June 21

Time:  8 a.m. (registration will begin at 7 a.m.)

Location:  Fairmont High School - Trent Arena

There will be online registration (through KeySports) and paper registration will be available at Fairmont and other locations (to be announced).

If you can't do the 5K, but would like to volunteer, you can sign up online @

www.mysignup.com/FORT5K

This year like last year, at the end of the race there will be a balloon release.  Before awarding the medals for each age group, door prizes will be awarded (your name goes in the drawing when you register).  

Also, something new this year - Because the funds for Melissa's scholarship are growing - we are going to give away a second $1000.00 scholarship (the first scholarship Fairmont seniors can apply for - applications due April 15).

Any Fairmont student (freshman through senior) who registers AND participates in the 5K will have their name in the drawing for the second $1000 scholarship.  The stipulation is - they have to graduate from Fairmont and when they graduate, the check will be written to the institution they are attending.

100% of the funds raised will go to the Fairmont Boosters and support all of the Athletic Clubs at Fairmont.  

(Just a note...when Melissa was in the hospital, she HATED wearing the hospital gowns.  She asked her dad to call Jonnie, our friend who is the Athletic Secretary at Fairmont, and see if she could get her a Fairmont t-shirt to wear-instead of the gown.  Jonnie sent an email out to all of the coaches...and EVERY coach sent a t-shirt for Melissa.  Coach Hank Bias, the boys basketball coach at the time, sent a hoodie - the NEW hoodie that the boys hadn't even seen at that point!  She LOVED it.  That's what she wore the last two months of her life...Fairmont t-shirts!  

After she passed away, her mother in law (Diana) made a quilt of all those t-shirts.  Every sport at Fairmont is represented in that quilt...  I'm pretty sure she wore them all.  We raffled the quilt off at the fundraiser we had for her scholarship fund.  (We raised $24,000 at that fundraiser - probably $5000 of it was from the quilt!)  One of her best friends from high school won the quilt-she would be happy about that too...

So I think...no...I KNOW that Melissa would be happy to support ALL of the athletes at Fairmont.  

***

And of course, I have to end with Andrew and Max...I do that for Melissa.  She would expect no less...

An overnighter with Pop Pop and Pamma.  Havin' fun!

Boonshoft's newest members...

Have a good weekend ~ 

Hope to see you at the 5K!

Winter Blahs, Dream, and "Stuff"

Like everyone else, I'm sure, cabin fever is setting in...I know they say we've had winters this bad before, but I sure don't remember.  Even the blizzard of '78, at least I had a new baby to keep me busy. Melissa was born three weeks before that blizzard, and I had not been out of the house for that three weeks...Of course Donny was working and he was home for a couple days because the blizzard shut everything down for a few days - and I had a chance to get out.  So I did.  I walked about four blocks to Frank's Carryout, just to get out really, but I did buy some things AND I had to tell SOMEONE - ANYONE - that I just had a baby!  Honestly, the snow was probably 3 feet deep - mostly from drifting, and it felt SO good just to get out.

And that winter, according to recent information on the news, we had 70 inches of snow.  A lot more than this year (we're around 50" right now)...but this winter seems worse.

Every winter the last five years seems worse.  Even without snow and bitter cold temperatures.  I know that I need to get out more, but it's really hard to get motivated when you're so cold.  We do get out at least once a week to the girls basketball games. And yesterday, we decided to take a walk-so we went to the mall and got an hour in.  Hard to do, but we did it.

Got some reading done too.  First book I read this winter was My Son and the Afterlife.  Written by Elisa Medhus, M.D.  Her son completed suicide when he was 20.  Some time after he passed away, she decided to go to a medium - who was able to contact her son.  The book is almost all dialogue between Elisa, the medium and her son.  It is very comforting.  He answers questions about what it was like to die, what heaven is like, how he can communicate.  Now I understand that most people might look at this and think "this woman is crazy".   Not me.  I believe that we can communicate with our loved ones after they die.  We get signs all the time.  We talk to God...and we pray to Jesus and to Saints...and THEY hear us.  So why can't our loved ones?  Believing is what gets me through each day.

The other book I started last night and finished today.  Another good one by Mitch Albom.  for one more day.  The story of a son, his mother, their relationship in life and after her death.  This one is fiction, I would say realistic fiction.  It's about near death experiences.  Couldn't put it down.

So that brings me to the "stuff".

Sitting here this winter (and I've done more of that than I care to admit) I'm on the computer a lot and Im beginning to hate that.  But as I look around, all I see is "stuff".  I think about my dad's house - houses actually - and all the "stuff" he has.  And how much of that stuff really matters.  How much of that stuff I want, or need.  Dad tried for several years to get me, Sue and Donna over to his house to "take whatever we want".  I have a houseful of stuff that I don't need.  Or want.  And I need to decide what to take from mom and dad's house.  Already have pictures.  The last time dad was home for the summer, he spent a lot of time going through pictures, sorting them out for me, Sue and Donna.  Tubs full for each of us.

I imagine that's what I will be doing soon for Nick. And the boys.  We probably have 50-75 photo albums (numbered in chronological order thanks to Donny) and a few boxes full of pictures.  Why in the world did I do that?  I do have a lifetime of pictures of Melissa.  I love that.  And sometimes I think "I need to make sure to take as many pictures as I can of Nick and the boys..." because I'm afraid.
That's all I'll say.  I'm afraid.

But what about all those pictures of vacations and houseboat trips and trips with my school friends.  Nick and the boys won't care about those.  And some photos of, well, I don't even know who.

And that's just pictures.

Why are things so important to us?  Why do we keep buying and changing and redoing? What does it really matter?

It's so hard to get rid of things that you've hung onto for long periods of time.  Donny and I went through boxes in the basement in the fall.  When I opened the boxes, I just couldn't imagine why I had even boxed the things up.  Why didn't I just get rid of them?  I didn't live through the depression like my grandparents did.  What was I thinking?

I am not a hoarder by any means.  But I have a lot of stuff that needs to go.

Oh, I will hang on to anything that is Melissa's.  Pretty much anything she even touched.  And we still have a lot of Nick's stuff too (that Donny has been trying to get him to take to his OWN house).  It's about the memories.  I need that.

But the other stuff?  It's going to be gone.  A basement full, an attic full.  Clothes, kitchen appliances, kitchen stuff, suitcases (why do I buy a new suitcase, bag, carryon everytime we go somewhere????),bedclothes, sheets, towels...you name it, I have it.  In multiples.  That we don't need.
Sounds like a garage sale, doesn't it?  Not for me.  Too much work.  No garage.

So I'm writing this to motivate myself to get this done.

Tomorrow.

(you see, when you are retired, there is no hurry to get anything done...because if you don't feel like doing it today, you can always do it tomorrow.)

That's when it will get done.  Tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you need anything - call me.  It's all free.

***
My dream shouldn't take second place here, but the "stuff" thing has been really bothering me (that's why I'm on the computer instead of dealing with the "stuff"-  easier getting motivated to write instead of clean!  My daughter was just like me!)

Actually, I said dream...I meant visit.  Because it was real.

First of all, it was a Friday night.  That night, Donny and I had gone to a dinner for his work.  On the way there, I told Donny "I just want to pick up the phone and call Melissa.  I just want to hear her voice...ask her how her day was..." we were both emotional.

In the dream, I don't remember where we were, but we were together for a long time.  We talked a lot, she looked great, but I don't remember a lot of what we talked about. I do remember asking her to visit more often - I said "I don't want you to get in trouble..."  and she said "I won't get in trouble, I can visit whenever I want"...
So now I expect a visit every night.  And I'm not getting it.  She must have a lot of friends in heaven and she must be pretty busy.  Just like here.  I'll just have to take what I can get.  The rest of my life would be a lot better if I could see her every night.  She comes around when I need her though.
Thanks Fort - more visits though, Please.

***

Of course I need to post some pictures - this would be boring otherwise.  And Fort wouldn't have it any other way.  Miss you pretty girl.  Every single minute of every single day.

Pop Pop and the boys after a busy night of partying.

One of the many snowy days.  Since we don't have a garage, we pull the windshield wipers up so they don't get frozen to the windshield.  Sick of this...

Celebrated Melissa's birthday at China Cottage.  Always and forever. Or as long as 

China Cottage is there.  Then I don't know what we'll do.

Took the boys out to lunch at BW3.  Andrew said "this was a great lunch Pamma"

So we wrote a note to the waitress on the back of our bill.

Me and Brady Hoke, Head Football Coach @ Michigan.

He was inducted into Fairmont High School Hall of Fame, 

along with Sean Nelson (friend of Nick's and son of our friends Greg & Denise) 

and Ryan Reed, son of Ron & Debbie - high school friends.

***

So, winter is hard, I have cabin fever, I miss Melissa.

But I am still here....and like everyone else in Ohio

counting the days til spring.  

Stay warm.

Happy 36th Birthday Melissa!

Your BIRTHday stories...

Dear Melissa,

Every year on your birthday, I have to tell the story of the day you were born...I can see your face, rolling your eyes, but secretly LOVING that I do this every year.  This photo will always be the one I use, because you are forever 30...although I keep counting your birthdays.  Today should be 36.

On January 5, 1978, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning...around 4:30 a.m. to be exact.  Being inexperienced at this, I was pretty sure what I was feeling was contractions.  So we got up, grabbed the already packed suitcase  (and took a picture before we left!) and headed out  It was unusually balmy for January.

Got to the hospital around 5:30...it was baby day.  But not right away (like with Nick...I delivered him in 45 min...but that's a story for another day...March 3...) It was actually a little boring, so we pulled out the deck of cards we had packed...boring too.  Just a few hours later, the contractions  were getting closer, and at 1:19 p.m., our beautiful daughter arrived!

Melissa Marie Fortener

Who would have ever guessed how lucky we would be...to have such a beautiful, funny, insightful, intelligent little girl...you didn't disappoint! (of course as parents, we only remember the good times...)

Back in the day, we actually got to stay in the hospital for a couple of days, to rest, I suppose.  During our stay, it had started snowing...a lot.  By the time we left the hospital, there were 4-5 inches of snow on the ground (with a lot more to come-Melissa survived the Blizzard of '78!)...and our car wouldn't start.  Your dad called his college roommate and good friend, Rick Kayser, and he came to the rescue.  Your dad and Rick picked me and your up at the hospital - I held you, in the front seat, dad sat in the back seat on the way home, and we stopped by Grandma and Grandpa Fortener's house, so they, and 7 of your aunts and uncles, could see you.  I held you up to the window for all to see...and they were so happy!  (me too...we had SEVEN babysitters waiting for us to go out!)

I remember most of your birthdays...You had a slumber party in 3rd or 4th grade for your birthday-we have lots of pictures of that...and when you were in high school, your friends surprised you at a basketball game with balloons, and they all came over to our house for a party afterward - have pictures of that somewhere too.  When you were in high school, we started taking you to China Cottage for your birthday.  And you loved that.  Became a tradition.  And we are going today.

The last birthday you got to celebrate, your 30th, you said "my best birthday ever".  Funny, you said that about your last Christmas too..."my best Christmas ever."  Were you trying to help us?  Tell us that we did it up right for your "last"?  I'm happy that they were your best.  I just wish we could have done more.

Since you've been gone...we still celebrate your birthday.  The first one was the hardest.  It was only two days after you left us.  We were at the funeral home making arrangements.  I knew one of the office workers, and I asked her if she would tell you Happy Birthday for us...she left for a minute, came back and said "you can tell her".  They took us back into this room where you were laying on a marble slab, covered with a sheet, but your beautiful face was uncovered.  You looked absolutely beautiful.  And I said that, and the mortician said "I haven't done anything yet."  

You see, I KNEW.  You were a NATURAL beauty. 

I tried to tell you that from the time you were little.  And your mom was RIGHT all along.

After we left the funeral home that day, we went to China Cottage.  Because that's what we ALWAYS did on your birthday.

And we still do.  We are not having a balloon release today, like we have the past 4 years - the weather is not cooperating this year.  But we will do it on your 1/2 birthday when it's warmer out.  But we are going to China Cottage today.  Me and dad, Nick and Mere and the boys.  We always will.

China Cottage can never close, because we won't know what to do!

We love you and miss you every single day.

Happy  36th Birthday Melissa Marie.

Love,

Mom

***

Not only are we celebrating Melissa's birthday today...we are remembering my sister Sue, who passed away a year ago today.  The only solace that I get from this, is that Melissa has Sue & John Patrick (and my mom, my brother and Donny's dad) to celebrate with.

I miss you Sue - I miss your daily phone calls, our political conversations, and I just miss YOU.

I love you!

No matter how bad you have it...

There is always someone who would love to be in your shoes.

Five years ago today, at 5:18 a.m. my beautiful daughter Melissa Marie took her last breath.
Who would love to be in my shoes?

The mother whose child died in a car accident.  No matter how you lose a child, the end result is the same...but I got to hold my daughter's hand , lay with her, talk to her when she took her last breath.

The mother who lost her only child.

The mother who lost her child at birth (Melissa)...I have almost 31 years of memories, pictures, stories from friends...i can hear her voice.  I remember her hugs.

Sometimes it's hard to think that anyone would want your problems....but if you just look around, you'll find someone.

Just recently, I was talking to someone who said  they recently had some unexpected expenses...and it was Christmas time.  I reminded him that just a few days before, a man lost his wife, two sons and his father in law in a house fire.  He will live with that for the rest of his life.  Unexpected expenses will somehow be paid and forgotten.  Just look around.

I have learned a lot in the last five years.

Besides realizing that there ARE people who would love to be in my shoes, I learned that I am not alone.  I am not the only person who has suffered the worst pain imaginable...the loss of a child.
Last summer we went to the Compassionate Friends National Conference in Boston.  There were 1500 people there who had lost a child ( or MULTIPLE children)...every speaker, presenter and volunteer lost a child...

We are not alone.

I learned that simple is better.

...that people are kinder than I ever imagined...and I am trying to pay it forward.

...that it's okay to say "No".

I learned that it's important to remember special dates of children gone too soon of friends...because I KNOW it's important to me.

I learned that after a certain amount of time, grieving should be done in private..in the car, in the shower...
and that I have some very special friends who will listen whenever I need an ear, or to cry, or to just talk about Melissa.  I am blessed - a lot of people don't have that.

I learned that some things are easier to forgive than to forget.

I learned that although I couldn't save my daughter from cancer, that I did a pretty good job of raising my kids...and I say that just because of the people THEY chose for friends!

I have realized in the last five years how lucky I am to have a loving, caring husband, son, daughter in law and BLESSED to have two energetic, smart grandsons.

I've learned that some days will be good and some days will be awful.  And thats ok.

I've learned that a memory will happen when I least expect it...sitting in a restaurant and background music comes on - it's a song I KNOW is from Melissa...and the tears will fall.

All of my senses trigger memories.  And I hope they always do.

I will NEVER forget my daughter.
I will NEVER get over her death.
I will think about her ever single day.  As long as I live.

I will miss her laughter...her booming voice...her advice...going to lunch...hearing about her job...her life...rugby...her friends...the ups...the downs.  Her handmade gifts (which we are STILL finding!).

I miss it ALL.  Every day.

And every day, for the rest of my life, I will live to remember HER....to her brother, her nephews, her cousins and her friends.

But I will LIVE my life the best I can.  For Melissa.

I love you and miss you pretty girl, every minute of every day.  Mom

Kitchen updates...

Almost complete.  Just a few more pieces of trim, backsplash and curtains and it's done.  But we can live with it like this!

There is always a story behind whatever we do...the story behind the the story.  This one began ten years ago.  2003.  To be exact, May, 2003.  We had decided to update the kitchen AND build a garage in the back yard.  So we went to the bank, got a BIG line of credit, and signed the paperwork.  Two weeks later, Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Everything was put on hold.  Priorities changed.

In the last five years, I haven't WANTED to change anything.  Everything had to be how it was when Melissa was here.

In the last several months, I had the itch to clean things up.  Get rid of A LOT of clutter.  And change a few things.  The kitchen was a biggie.  We got new carpet in our bedroom and talked to our friend at the carpet store about getting laminate in the kitchen and dining room and about updating the kitchen.  He recommended a place on Wilmington Pike.  A few weeks later, I ran into a friend from high school who also recommended the SAME place.  Classic Cabinets.  She said they did their homework, got several estimates and this place had the best prices and did great work.  And they are a local small business, in business for 37 years.  So we got an estimate - funny thing - when the salesman came in and looked at our kitchen, his first comment was "This will make great before and after pictures!".  We knew it was time, just didn't realize how bad it really was...

                                                              Before...

                                                      During.....

After...

There were many good things about doing this now, instead of ten years ago.  The most important being that we were able to pay cash ten years later.  Another good thing was it was a good diversion during a month that is normally (?) very difficult.  It gave me time to get out (forced me to get out) to do some things for Christmas.  We met some really nice people who worked on our kitchen who we would HIGHLY recommend.  We plan on being here for awhile, so we can enjoy it.  I might even start cooking again (I cooked for the first 25 years, Donny got the second 25).  Got rid of a lot of clutter and just STUFF that we didn't need or use any more.  

The bad thing?  Melissa isn't here to see it and enjoy it with us.  She would love it.  (Especially the black granite countertops).  I can just see us having a cup of coffee together (with Donny's new Keurig from Nick & Mere), sitting at the new bar.

Another good thing?  the new countertop (island/peninsula) is a great space for Andrew and Max to build their LEGOS, puzzles, color and make cookies!  

Donny doesn't know it yet, the next BIG project will be a garage.  Might be in a couple of years when we can pay cash for it, but it's coming too.  I'm getting too old to scrape snow and ice off my car, and we need a place to store things.  But it will be for our CARS, not junk.  

***

First snow of the season - before winter even got here.  Eleven inches of snow in Dayton before Christmas.  It's been awhile since we've had this much this early.

 Hot chocolate and Christmas cookies after playing in the snow...

***

                                          Christmas Eve

While the holidays will never be the same without Melissa...we have a new normal.  It's quieter, simpler, smaller.  I miss the old "normal", but feel truly blessed to have two adorable grandsons and the best son and daughter in law ever.  And our family has grown - Matthew (my sister Sue's son) and Jen will always be a part of our Christmas.  

***

A Christmas Story - by Andrew

The kids were checking out the "crib" (as my dad called it) - the Nativity Scene, a couple weeks before Christmas.  Andrew asked me "Is God in there?"  I told him, no, but God is Jesus' father.  He then asked "What is Jesus' mom's name?"  I told him Mary.  Then he asked me if they were married.  I told him Joseph was her husband.  (pretty good thinking for a five year old, I'd say!) I also told them that we don't put the Baby Jesus out until Christmas morning, because that is when he was born.

So on Christmas Eve, before we left for Nick & Mere's, I told the boys we had to put the baby Jesus out and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Then Andrew said "and to his mom and his step-dad"...

Now, I don't know about you, but I had never before heard anyone refer to Joseph as Jesus' step-dad(although is makes sense!), until Andrew said it and then on Christmas night on a special on the History Channel about the history of Christmas.  Joseph was referred to as Jesus' step-father...Donny and I looked at each other and both said "Andrew is pretty smart!"  

Just sayin'.....

***

 My two Best Friends, EVER.

I will be taking this picture to a specialty camera store to see if I can get it fixed.

But I LOVE this picture of Sue and Melissa.  Sue was Melissa's Godmother...now she is her "mother in heaven" until I get there.   They look so much alike in this picture, and they both 

look SO happy.  

My next post will be this weekend.  January 3.  Five years since Melissa left us.

January 5...should be Melissa's 36th birthday...and one year since Sue left us.

Love you and miss you both more than you will ever know...

It's a Wonderful Life....

...my FAVORITE Christmas movie.  (Ok - Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase is a very close second - but It's a Wonderful Life is perfect for this post.

If you are not familiar with the movie, I believe it is set during the Depression - late 20's early 30s.  George Bailey lives a happy life - his dad owns a Savings and Loan, he saves his little brother from drowning, he meets are marries Mary and they have three beautiful children.  They buy and old house that needs a lot of work, but they are happy.  George takes over the Savings and Loan when his dad suddenly dies.  Skips college so his little brother can go.  All around good guy.
It's Christmas time and George's uncle is working for him.  He accidently "loses" a bundle of money he is taking to the bank to deposit - and for the first time, George feels like his life is not worth living (sound like anyone you know???? - uh...me)  He is on the verge of losing the family business and on Christmas Eve, he goes crazy.  He leaves the house, runs through town, ends up at the river - on a bridge...and he is going to jump.

In the meantime, God and two of his Angels (represented by three blinking stars in a night sky) are talking.  God says "there is a man down on earth that needs help.  he is about to do something and we need to help him" (or something like that).  Clarence, one of the Angels, has not earned his wings yet.
So God sends Clarence.  To save George, Clarences falls into the river, and George, good guy that he is, jumps in to save him.  After he pulls him out, they huddle in the gatehouse at the bridge and start talking.  Clarence tells him he's an angel, and he wants to help him.  George grumbles that "I wish I'd never been born".  So Clarence oblidges.

George goes back into to town and nothing is the same.  No Savings and Loan,  his brother died (because he wasn't there to save him) and his wife (Mary) is an "old maid" working as a librarian (Donny says this is why it's my favorite movie...ok, maybe PARTLY).  No one knows him, not even his mom.  Clarence explains that nothing is the same because George was never born...he said "no one was there to save your brother, no one was there to take over the Savings and Loan)...and lots of other things...

George comes to the realization that his life was not so bad after all.  And Clarence gets his wings.

If you've never seen it, I hope I didn't ruin it for you.  It is one of those feel good movies that I watch EVERY Christmas, I don't think Melissa loved it like I did, but she would watch it with me.  I would watch and wrap presents, make cookies, decorate.  All the things I used to love to do.

Ok.  I have the new version.  In fact, I LIVED the new version...

I know that in the last post, I mentioned some tests that I had.  Started about the end of September with horrible stomach pains, a friend who was just diagnosed with colon cancer, and the realization that I needed to get to the doctor and get things checked out...had I waited too long?

The appointment turned into a "mini" physical.  I love my doctor, and she has not been pushy about me getting some of the tests that I needed.  Not because she didn't care, but because she knew that I was dealing with the death of my daughter, and I needed to deal with that first.  So when I finally went in, and told her I was ready - she did blood work, ordered a colonoscopy,  and got some important vaccinations.  All good.  Also, diagnosed me with diverticulitis - the stomach pain.  Put me on two heavy duty antibiotics for ten days.  Didn't eat much, lost some weight (not a bad thing), felt a little better after the antibiotics.  And scheduled my colonoscopy for the following week.  I felt good about that.

A week after I was finished with the antibiotics, the pains were back. Was going to take a laxative, but after reading the box, decided to call my doctor - who sent me to ER for a CT scan, which I mentioned in the last post...I was supposed to get a call from Miami Valley South for an ultrasound, but they never called.  So I went to my new Gynecologist the following Tuesday.  After reading my medical history, she said "Your daughter carries the BRCA gene?"  I told her my daughter died of breast cancer.  Then I proceeded to give her a little more information - that Melissa was pregnant when she was diagnosed, and she even played six games of rugby and she didn't know she was pregnant!"  She looked at me and said "I played rugby."  When I asked her when and where - she said "Miami.  From 1996-2000."  SAME time Melissa was at Ohio University and played!  And I WENT to the OU/Miami game @ Miami her junior year.  I saw them play against each other!  I told her "I love you already".  My doctor is a RUGBY PLAYER.  I love that. (I called Melissa's friend/coach Smitty - asked her if she knew my doctor- she said "I coached her!")  Oh - and before I went to this doctor's appointment - I stopped by the cemetery to visit Melissa.  I told her that I needed her to be with me that day.  I was a little scared.  And SHE WAS.  She made sure I got a doctor that I would like and would take good care of me.  And she did.  I told her I was supposed to get a call from MVS for an ultrasound - she said "we can do that here.  Let me see if the tech can do it today..."  Five minutes later, she was back.  "Come on- she can do it right now!"  And got the results 10 minutes later.
So, we were looking for calcification on my right ovary.  The ultrasound gives a better picture than the CT Scan would - didn't show anything but SHRINKING ovaries, which is exactly what they should be doing.  But it also showed a thickening in the lining of my uterus.  More than it should be.  So she said I would need a biopsy - and she could do it.  There was an opening the next morning - so I grabbed it.
Had the procedure the next morning - a little uncomfortable, but nothing bad.  Then I had to wait for the results - a week.

She also went over the results of the CT scan which she had finally received - and we still can't figure out where the calcification is, or was.  Maybe a misread?  The ultrasound didn't show that. Good thing.
But the scan also said to follow up with the colon - to make sure the inflammation wasn't hiding anything.  More to worry about.

Had my colonoscopy yesterday afternoon.  Results were what I expected and NO MORE.  Diverticulosis - some infection, but clearing up.  Change your eating habits.  If you have a flare up, don't wait, CALL.  Get on antibiotics, because it CAN be serious if you let it go.  And see me in TEN YEARS.  (no polyps!)  All good.

When we got home (after stopping at the Trent Arena to see Mikala Waterman after signing with The Ohio State for basketball!) checked our phone messages and I had a call from Dr. McAfee (gyno).  Called back - everything was NEGATIVE.  NORMAL.

Didn't expect the 13th to be a lucky day for me.  But I do now!

Actually - my version of "It's a Wonderful Life"?  I thought I was ready to be with Melissa.  I actually wished and PRAYED for that.  Many times in the last five years.  But when the possibility of some serious health issues presented themselves to me?  I realized I am NOT ready yet...I WANT TO LIVE. Like George Bailey.    Melissa will be waiting for me.  WHENEVER I get there.  Our lives are short anyway....

I KNOW this was a wake up call from her.  Reminding me that I need to start taking care of myself...and be happy.

Oh, and one other interesting thing.  Before they put me out, the anesthesiologist said "Think of your favorite vacation spot"...  I said "St. John's in the Carribbean"  then I said "No.  Heaven.  With my daughter."  And I was out.

Donny said the first thing I said when I woke up was "Melissa was with me!"  And she was - I could see her, I could feel her, but we didn't talk.  She was there to support me - just like I was there for her at her doctor appointments.  She came through.  In many ways.

I wish I could say that getting through the holidays will be easier, and getting through the anniversary, her birthday, and Sue's anniversary (Melissa's birthday)...but I will be looking at things differently.
I already am.

I love her and miss her more every day.  But I love Donny and Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max.  And my friends.  And I have to take care of my dad.

I still have some things to do.

Thank you, my beautiful daughter, for being there for me.  And for the wake up call that I desperately needed.  I love you so much!

****

And she would not be happy if I didn't share Andrew & Max.  My joy.

Fun at the park - by the creek!

Hiding from PopPop

More fun at the park (Max)

silly Max

Max - the Artist!

Andrew - working on his painting.

Next post - a new kitchen is coming!

***

I am thankful for all of you.  

Have a Happy, Family filled Thanksgiving!

Remembering Sue...

I was just telling Donny the other day that my earliest childhood memory was when I was just 4 years old...the day Sue was born.

Up until that day, October 30, 1960, there were three kids.  Donna, me,  and Steve.  Aunt Mae (my dad's sister) and Uncle Carl kept us while mom was in the hospital.  It must have been for 3 or 4 days, because back then, you didn't come home the day you delivered.  They actually let you stay in the hospital and get some rest before going home.  Maybe it was because people had more kids, and they NEEDED the rest before going home.

In any event, this must have been traumatic for it to be ingrained in my memory.  Two specific things I remember ~ going trick or treating and breakfast.  I remember my cousin Nancy took us trick or treating, and I remember having cereal for breakfast.  That's not anything unusual, but what makes me remember was putting sugar on my cereal, and when the cereal was gone, I was done.  I never ate that goopy mess at the bottom of the bowl.  Sugar and milk.  Goopy.  UGH.  (Although Donny says that was the best part!) Not for me.  Aunt Mae made me sit there until I ate it.  All of it.  In those days, you didn't waste ANYTHING.  I was SO ready to go home.

But this is about Sue.  The other thing I remember is going home when mom and dad brought Sue home from the hospital.  We lived in a small, four bedroom ranch.  The smallest bedroom would now be considered a walk in closet.  That was were baby Sue was in a bassinnette.  If we wanted to go in to see her, we had to wear a mask.  You know, the kind of masks people wear now if they have allergies?
Yep.  She was the Golden Child.  Right from the beginning.

But I didn't care.  She was SO cute.  When she smiled, she brightened a room.

Having four bedrooms, mom and dad had one, Steve had the "closet", Donna had a bedroom and I had a bedroom.  Sue got to decide where she was going to sleep.  Donna and I used to fight over her.  She would climb into bed with me and I would tell her monsters (or something equally scary) was under the bed.  She would yell to Donna "I'm sleeping with Pam tonight".

As we got older, of course Sue was excused from the "menial" tasks Donna, Steve and I were assigned when mom went back to work.  She was "too young".  And when mom found an empty ice cream carton at the bottom of the hamper, she lined us all up, immediately pulling Sue from the line.  "She didn't do it".  And in Sue's defense, I got pulled from the line too, because mom was really good at
reading faces.  In the end, of course it was Steve who did it.  It was ice cream.

After we were all grown, and living away from home, we occasionally would have conversations about  how tough our life was growing up...I mean, all the chores we had to do, and how we couldn't do anything on Saturdays until all the housework was done (and I continued that myself as an adult, although since I retired, I don't assign Saturday as a cleaning day - it can be ANY day now!), Sue would say "After you guys left, I had to do EVERYTHING."  What?  If there was anything to do, it was YOUR mess.  And then we would laugh.  About all of it.

And then, when I had MY daughter, I wanted Sue to be her Godmother.  They were a lot alike in many ways.  I wish I had the picture of the two of them together - I think it was when Melissa was in college-
they both had long blonde hair and Melissa looked more like SUE than me!  They were both very creative, artsy.  And they could have the most interesting conversations.

How I miss that.  How I miss my beautiful sister Susan Lynn.  She was my best friend after Melissa died.  She called me every single day.  Never missed a day.  Just to check on me.  Never questioning how I was feeling or why I was feeling sad.  She loved me unconditionally.  She loved me even though I was not the same as I used to be.

I miss talking to her.  I miss her laugh.  I miss our political discussions.  And I miss taking care of her too.  Oh, I definitely got frustrated  at times with choices she made, but underneath that hard exterior, was a softness only known to those who looked for it.  It was there, I saw it, experienced it.  She was very intelligent, she was a sharp dresser like my mom (although her verbage didn't always match her attire), and very creative.  Never a holiday or birthday went by that I didn't receive something she had made...a wreath, a piece of jewelry, a handmade card (still have the Christmas card she made for all of us last Christmas).  She was really talented.

And I hate saying was.
How I miss you Sue.  I love you so much.

Happy Birthday!

***

Just a side note here...I think I have recently recieved a wake up call.  Maybe from Melissa, maybe from Sue, my mom...God.  I don't know.

If you read between the lines in this blog, you probably know that there have been times when I have missed Melissa SO much, the thought of being with her seemed like a solution to all the pain....
well, the message came in the form of pain.

About a month ago, I was experiencing a lot of abdominal pain.  Haven't been to the doctor, in, oh, about five years (connection?), but this was bad enough to make me call.  Turns out, I have diverticulitis.  So did my mom, so did Sue.  Very common, I'm told.  Didn't help the pain any.  Ended up in ER last Friday, on the advice of my doctor who had already treated me two weeks before for the diverticulitis (antibiotics).  She wanted a CT scan to see what was going on before treating me with something else.    As expected, it was a flare up (although I was sure there was some kind of blockage - it was so bad) and once again, on antibiotics.  But there was also some calcification on the right side around (?) the ovaries.  The look on the doctors face didn't help matters, but there wasn't anything I could do until Monday morning.  Had the boys on Monday, so made an appointment for 7:15 a.m. Tuesday.  She is ordering an ultrasound (sometime next week) and a colonoscopy.

Feeling a little better, just sick to my stomach (probably from hunger - on a liquid diet) from the meds.

The wake up call?  As much as I want to be with Melissa, and actually look forward to wrapping my arms around her...I'm not ready to leave the rest of my family.   This is pretty scary, and I should have been taking care of myself for the last five years.  But I really wasn't.

When I woke up this morning, I felt a lot better than I did when I went to bed.  I had this "flash" of a scene from my favorite Christmas movie, It's a Wonderful Life.  It was when Jimmy Stewart was standing on the bridge at the end of the movie crying saying "I want to live.  I want to live".....

Wow.  That's me.

I want to live.

(Thanks Melissa, mom, Sue, God.  I needed this wake up call - I love all of you.)