I am sitting here watching the news this morning and feeling so very sad for the families in Aurora, Colorado. My heart goes out to the parents, friends and families of those that were killed...new members to the "club that no one wants to belong to..."
This has not been one of my better weeks. Over the last three years, I have figured out that I DON'T know when these days will happen. I just know that they sneak up on you, and suddenly you are in this funk. I also know that it will gradually fade, but will never completely go away.
Normally, I post things like this in my journal. I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of weeks, and last night I just decided it was time to post how I was feeling on the blog. Melissa was almost always upbeat, which at the end, had everyone believing things were much better than they were.
That was Melissa. I wish I could live my life like she did. Even after three years, believe it or not,
it is really hard to motivate myself to do anything. I just don't have the energy anymore. I don't know how she did it...maybe it was youth. The fact that she knew she had so much more to give...she had to keep going. I loved that she lived her life that way...she pretty much did whatever she wanted to do those last couple of years (one particular incident comes to mind...she had just had her mastectomy and came home with two drains that she had to empty each day. Two open wounds. The rugby team was going "cabrewing" and she was NOT going to miss it. I pleaded with her not to go..."MELISSA. You have open wounds...if you fall in the river, in that filthy water...that would NOT be good..."
"Ok mom. I won't go." So I tried to call her several times that day, kind of forgot that it was the cabrewing day. That night, when I finally reached her, I asked where she was all day. "OK mom, I can't lie...I went cabrewing today... but it was OK...I didn't get in the water at all...I had it all taped up with plastic...I'm fine...REALLY."
When I look back, I am so glad she did those things. I know there were others, just don't come to mind right now.
I guess the reason I am bringing this up is because I feel like I should be doing the same thing. I WANT to be like Melissa. But it's really hard. Just thinking about doing some things makes me anxious. So I am better off just doing the things that I feel comfortable doing. I DO like going out with friends for lunch, dinner, coffee. I am not a big phone talker. I DO like talking about Melissa. I DO like showing pictures of Drew and Max. And I don't know where I would be without Donny. (the puzzle is going off...I think Melissa is ok with this post...) And Nick.
Believe it or not, I WANT my old life back. I want to be the social person, the planner, the happy person that I used to be. Problem is, my old life includes my daughter. I don't particularly like this new life I am living. Not sure if I will ever get used to it. But it doesn't mean I won't enjoy the blessings in my life...Donny, Nick & Mere, Drew & Max, Sue, my dad, Melissa's friends who stay in touch on a regular basis, my new friends who are living the life we are living now, and old friends, who might not "get it", but still call and don't try to "fix" me. I can't be fixed. I am a new person. I guess it would be like getting a new friend. If you don't like something about someone, you don't have to be their friend. So if you don't like something about the "new" me, I am really ok with that. Just like you, I need to surround myself with people that will let me be the new person that I am, because the old Pam had a daughter. This one doesn't.
Please understand that I do not want your sympathy. I just want understanding. (I know two years ago I asked for patience...I didn't realize at the time that grieving a child is a never ending process...sorry). I feel blessed that I have family and friends in my life who accept the new me.
Whew. I feel better already. (just read this to Donny to see if it was ok...didn't shed a tear as I was writing it, but cried the whole time I was reading it out loud...writing is SO good for me...I think it was good for Fort too!)
Have a good day. I know mine will be a little better now...