Who Am I?

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I think losing Dad is finally catching up with me.  Right after he died, I kept very busy getting ready for the holidays.  Then we went to Nashville for a couple of days.  All good.  I needed that.  Then, John's anniversary.  Melissa's anniversary.  Sue's Anniversary.  Melissa's birthday.  Thank goodness for basketball.  It helps us get through the holidays and the first week of January.  

Now, basketball is winding down, and it's hitting me that Dad is gone.  For the last five years, I spent a lot of time with him, especially the last two years when he moved back to Ohio.  I'm really missing him.

So the last couple of weeks I've been in a funk.  Donny is a good motivator to get me out.   I love taking walks, but not around a track inside (I prefer the great outdoors)!  But we do it.  I recently discovered Audible (I know, I'm WAY behind the times) and have several books to listen to.  Right now it's The Handmaids Tale.  Depressing, but very interesting.  And it keeps me walking.

Trying to get motivated to start downsizing around the house.  We have so much to get rid of, almost too overwhelming to even know where to start.  This morning, I woke up early, the sun was shining and I had a *twinge* of motivation.  So after a cup of coffee, I got started in Melissa's room.  The goal is to get rid of clothes, a dresser, clean out the cedar chest, closet and eventually paint.  And that's just the first room!  Got through the closet (it's still full, even though the bed is covered with clothes to get rid of), and started on the cedar chest.  Full of pictures, a folder with Mom stuff - her resume, which is amazing.  She had a pretty important job at WPAFB!  Everything in the cedar chest is sentimental - a letter from my grandma to mom (dated 1953) a couple of letters to mom from (boy?)friends in the service - one dated Sept 1953.  After she and Dad were married.  He did know that mom was married, talked about meeting Bob (Dad).    Mom journaled randomly in multiple places-spiral notebooks, tablets (the paper kind) and on envelopes.  Obviously didn't accomplish much here.  Too much reading, but uplifting.  I know I have to get this stuff organized.  It's a start.

In one of the folders, I found this.  Wow.  Synchronicity.  Something I needed today.

I Wear A Thousand Masks

I hope you won't be fooled by me for I wear a mask.  I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and one of them is me.

I am likely to give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one.  But I hope you won't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth...beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.  But I hide this.  I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.  That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to shield me from your understanding.  But such understanding is my salvation. My only salvation.  And I know it.

If I don't keep the mask in from of myself I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling feeling within.  And so my life becomes a front.  I idly chatter to you in the suave surface tones...I tell you everything that's nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.  So when I go into my routine, I hope you won't be fooled by what I'm saying.  I hope you listen carefully to hear what I'm not saying.

I dislike the superficial, phone game I'm playing.  I'd really like to be open, genuine and spontaneous. I want your help in doing this.  I want you to risk approaching me even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need.  I want this from you so I can be alive.  Each time you're kind, and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my courage to risk sharing myself with you increases. 

I want you to know how important you are to me, how can you be a creator of the person that is me if you choose.  But it will not be easy for you.  A long conviction of worthlessness leads me to maintain distance.

The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.  It is self-defeating but at the time it seems the safest thing to do.  I fight against the very things that I cry out for.  But I am told that empathy is stronger than walls and therein lies my hope.  I desperately want you to understand me in spite of my distancing tactics.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.  

I am every man and every woman you meet.

***

So as I started to read this, I knew this was about ME.  What I didn't realize was it wasn't JUST about me.  We all wear a mask sometimes.  Another reminder that "no matter how bad you have it, there's always someone who would love to have your problems".  I am not alone.  Time to get busy doing something.  And God knows, we have plenty to do right in our house!  A little sunshine and warm weather might help too.

And before I sign off,  I forgot to mention in the last post another sign we got from Melissa!

The night before I talked to the UD Women's basketball team, I couldn't sleep.  I tossed and turned because my brain wouldn't turn off.  I was going over what I was going to say to the team. I didn't want to leave anything out, how was I going to present her story (even though I'd done it before). So at 4 a.m.,  wide awake, I went downstairs and fell asleep on the couch.  At 7 a.m., Donny came down and sat next to me.  I woke up and proceeded to tell him that " I couldn't sleep, tried to figure out what I was going to say to the basketball team, etc."  As I was telling him this, my phone was on the table behind me charging.  And suddenly, my phone said "I'M HERE".  ???????

I sat up, Donny and I looked at each other wondering WHO was here???  Melissa????

I told Nick the next day, he (kind of burst my bubble) said "Mom, it was SIRI.  You don't have to be holding your phone for SIRI to respond to you."

So, my phone sitting on the table next to me, I said "SIRI".  It responded, but in typing.  I couldn't get her to say "I'M HERE."  

I'm inclined to believe that since Melissa has figured out a way to communicate via the puzzle (she has pretty strong energy!) she's now figuring out how to communicate through SIRI!!!  Oh how I wish.  I would love to get messages like that from her every day.  Maybe someday a phone call.  

I'm dreaming again....and wishing.  

Love Endures

Way back in 1974, when I was a senior in high school, I was a reporter for the school newspaper. One of the things you had to do after you wrote a story was come up with a headline.  It wasn't so difficult back then.  Now, when I have something to post, it takes me longer to come up with a title for the post than the post itself.

But this time it was easy.  In a couple of weeks, I am the presenter at our Compassionate Friends meeting.  I am not creative at all with ideas, thank goodness other people are!  The meeting will be about staying connected to our children through rituals.  Things to do to keep your child's memory alive.

This fits in perfectly with this post.  It is so important to us (and to all parents who have lost a child) to talk about their child.  Say their name.  HEAR their name.  Some people get tattoos. (I haven't yet, but have thought a lot about it.  SOME day!) For Melissa, we had a fundraiser not long after she passed away to raise money for a scholarship in her name.  We put a bench (that she wanted for classmates who had passed before her) outside the athletic office.  The Fairmont basketball team has taken on the FORT 5K in Melissa's memory, and they give a Spirit Award in her name every year at the banquet.  The Kelts Rugby Club holds an annual Breast Cancer Fundraiser in memory of Fort. 

One of the things that I love the most is talking about Melissa.  Telling her story.  Each year we are invited to tell Melissa's story at the Fairmont basketball Pink Game.  

And three times I have been invited to talk to the UD Women's Basketball team about Melissa and her journey with breast cancer.  The game is tomorrow (Sunday, Feb 17).  I talked to the girls yesterday before films/practice.  

What makes this particular visit so important to me?  The age of the girls I am sharing Melissa's story with.    I know that these girls are anywhere from 18-21 - that means some of them were born in 2000.  Melissa was diagnosed in 2003, when she was 25.  She could be there MOTHER!!! (which means I could be their grandmother!!!)  I sure didn't feel that old when I was talking to them.  

They are close to the age Melissa was when she was diagnosed, and it is so important to me to share what I know NOW, that I wish I knew THEN.    Some of the girls have heard her story more than once.  The story never changes, unfortunately.   I could talk about her forever.  I hope this time I told a story I didn't tell the last time. When I talk to the UD girls, I have the outline in my head.  No 3X5 cards, usually (although this time I did write a few facts about BC down to share so I wouldn't forget.   

I did forget to tell them the reason we go to so many basketball games. It was the last thing Melissa wanted to do.  She came home from Hospice on a Friday.  The next day, Fairmont had a home game, and she wanted to go.  I was VERY hesitant, because, OMG there might be sick people there. I didn't want her to get sick (I forgot she was dying of cancer).  When the doctor came in to release her, she said "Can I go to a basketball game tomorrow?"  The doctor said "She can do anything she wants to do.  You have enough oxygen." Of course I got that "Told you so" look.    The next morning, a couple of her friends came to visit.  She slept the rest of the day.  Never got to go to the basketball game.  After she passed away, the first thing I was able to do was to go to a basketball game.  For her.  And we haven't stopped.  Ten years later.  Fairmont girls, UD Women, Notre Dame (when Kathryn was playing), Wright State (when Chelsea was playing), and occasionally a boys game!  Basketball gets us through the holidays (which are still hard) her anniversary, birthday...keeps us busy.  And gets us to spring.  Otherwise I would prefer to skip NOV/DEC/JAN.  But we can't.  So we follow basketball instead.  Melissa would love that.

So, although you didn't know it, you help us get through the rough times (all the teams we follow).

The other thing I forgot to tell them was that she is better known as FORT than Melissa.  Got that nickname in high school from her best friend.  And it stuck.  I'm not sure many of her college friends even knew her name was Melissa!

The first year I talked to UD,  Jim Jabir was the head coach.  We came into the gym right after practice was over and told Melissa's story and gave them all FORT bracelets.  Coach Jabir wore that bracelet to every game.  It was like Melissa was on the court for every game.

When he left, I ran into Shauna Green, the new Head Coach, at one of the Fairmont games.  I thought she looked familiar, so I introduced myself, told her I talked to the team when Jabir was there.  She was an assistant under Jabir and remembered when I came to talk to the team.  Then she asked if I would talk to them again.  Of course, they all got bracelets again, AND keychains.  And what do you know?  Coach Green wears her bracelet to every game now too!  Makes my heart happy.

This time I asked if we could get a picture with the team.  The coaches were all wonderful.  Arnika Edwards, the Director of Basketball Operations for the Women's team is a breast cancer survivor.  So is Linda Waltz, the Administrative Assistant in the office.  I talked to them too.  We have something in common.  I also shared the book Melissa made - FORT'S CHEMO FUN book.  Gave several copies to Linda to share with anyone who knows anyone going through chemo.  

The most important thing to me is to stress the importance of being proactive.  Don't wait if there are changes in your breasts - get it checked ASAP.  And if there is nothing, LUCKY YOU!!!!  Early detection is the key.  There are more breast cancer survivors than any other cancer.  It is beatable if you get it early.  There were 16 young women in that room.  One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime.  The possibility that one of them will be diagnosed in the future is real.  

I ended with the all the positive things in the last ten years (knowing that I would trade them all in if we could have Melissa back)....the scholarship, all the things I listed above, and most recently a contribution to Hospice of Dayton for a Stationery Room - pens, notecards, journals - something Melissa wanted to do for Hospice.

Love endures.  It never ends, even after death.  I will never stop loving my daughter, I will never stop sharing her story (as long I have a captive audience)!

Thank you Coach Green, staff, and team for listening. Again.  You made our hearts happy.

2018-19 UD Women's Basketball team