Love Endures

Way back in 1974, when I was a senior in high school, I was a reporter for the school newspaper. One of the things you had to do after you wrote a story was come up with a headline.  It wasn't so difficult back then.  Now, when I have something to post, it takes me longer to come up with a title for the post than the post itself.

But this time it was easy.  In a couple of weeks, I am the presenter at our Compassionate Friends meeting.  I am not creative at all with ideas, thank goodness other people are!  The meeting will be about staying connected to our children through rituals.  Things to do to keep your child's memory alive.

This fits in perfectly with this post.  It is so important to us (and to all parents who have lost a child) to talk about their child.  Say their name.  HEAR their name.  Some people get tattoos. (I haven't yet, but have thought a lot about it.  SOME day!) For Melissa, we had a fundraiser not long after she passed away to raise money for a scholarship in her name.  We put a bench (that she wanted for classmates who had passed before her) outside the athletic office.  The Fairmont basketball team has taken on the FORT 5K in Melissa's memory, and they give a Spirit Award in her name every year at the banquet.  The Kelts Rugby Club holds an annual Breast Cancer Fundraiser in memory of Fort. 

One of the things that I love the most is talking about Melissa.  Telling her story.  Each year we are invited to tell Melissa's story at the Fairmont basketball Pink Game.  

And three times I have been invited to talk to the UD Women's Basketball team about Melissa and her journey with breast cancer.  The game is tomorrow (Sunday, Feb 17).  I talked to the girls yesterday before films/practice.  

What makes this particular visit so important to me?  The age of the girls I am sharing Melissa's story with.    I know that these girls are anywhere from 18-21 - that means some of them were born in 2000.  Melissa was diagnosed in 2003, when she was 25.  She could be there MOTHER!!! (which means I could be their grandmother!!!)  I sure didn't feel that old when I was talking to them.  

They are close to the age Melissa was when she was diagnosed, and it is so important to me to share what I know NOW, that I wish I knew THEN.    Some of the girls have heard her story more than once.  The story never changes, unfortunately.   I could talk about her forever.  I hope this time I told a story I didn't tell the last time. When I talk to the UD girls, I have the outline in my head.  No 3X5 cards, usually (although this time I did write a few facts about BC down to share so I wouldn't forget.   

I did forget to tell them the reason we go to so many basketball games. It was the last thing Melissa wanted to do.  She came home from Hospice on a Friday.  The next day, Fairmont had a home game, and she wanted to go.  I was VERY hesitant, because, OMG there might be sick people there. I didn't want her to get sick (I forgot she was dying of cancer).  When the doctor came in to release her, she said "Can I go to a basketball game tomorrow?"  The doctor said "She can do anything she wants to do.  You have enough oxygen." Of course I got that "Told you so" look.    The next morning, a couple of her friends came to visit.  She slept the rest of the day.  Never got to go to the basketball game.  After she passed away, the first thing I was able to do was to go to a basketball game.  For her.  And we haven't stopped.  Ten years later.  Fairmont girls, UD Women, Notre Dame (when Kathryn was playing), Wright State (when Chelsea was playing), and occasionally a boys game!  Basketball gets us through the holidays (which are still hard) her anniversary, birthday...keeps us busy.  And gets us to spring.  Otherwise I would prefer to skip NOV/DEC/JAN.  But we can't.  So we follow basketball instead.  Melissa would love that.

So, although you didn't know it, you help us get through the rough times (all the teams we follow).

The other thing I forgot to tell them was that she is better known as FORT than Melissa.  Got that nickname in high school from her best friend.  And it stuck.  I'm not sure many of her college friends even knew her name was Melissa!

The first year I talked to UD,  Jim Jabir was the head coach.  We came into the gym right after practice was over and told Melissa's story and gave them all FORT bracelets.  Coach Jabir wore that bracelet to every game.  It was like Melissa was on the court for every game.

When he left, I ran into Shauna Green, the new Head Coach, at one of the Fairmont games.  I thought she looked familiar, so I introduced myself, told her I talked to the team when Jabir was there.  She was an assistant under Jabir and remembered when I came to talk to the team.  Then she asked if I would talk to them again.  Of course, they all got bracelets again, AND keychains.  And what do you know?  Coach Green wears her bracelet to every game now too!  Makes my heart happy.

This time I asked if we could get a picture with the team.  The coaches were all wonderful.  Arnika Edwards, the Director of Basketball Operations for the Women's team is a breast cancer survivor.  So is Linda Waltz, the Administrative Assistant in the office.  I talked to them too.  We have something in common.  I also shared the book Melissa made - FORT'S CHEMO FUN book.  Gave several copies to Linda to share with anyone who knows anyone going through chemo.  

The most important thing to me is to stress the importance of being proactive.  Don't wait if there are changes in your breasts - get it checked ASAP.  And if there is nothing, LUCKY YOU!!!!  Early detection is the key.  There are more breast cancer survivors than any other cancer.  It is beatable if you get it early.  There were 16 young women in that room.  One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime.  The possibility that one of them will be diagnosed in the future is real.  

I ended with the all the positive things in the last ten years (knowing that I would trade them all in if we could have Melissa back)....the scholarship, all the things I listed above, and most recently a contribution to Hospice of Dayton for a Stationery Room - pens, notecards, journals - something Melissa wanted to do for Hospice.

Love endures.  It never ends, even after death.  I will never stop loving my daughter, I will never stop sharing her story (as long I have a captive audience)!

Thank you Coach Green, staff, and team for listening. Again.  You made our hearts happy.

2018-19 UD Women's Basketball team