14 YEARS

Surviving the loss of a child is different for everyone.  Every loss is different, so grieving is different.

In our case, our grieving began before Melissa passed.  We knew what was coming.  I remember coming

home from Hospice one day to take a shower. I was home alone, and I remember screaming in the shower...WHY WHY WHY??"  Grieving early doesn't change the emotion after the loss.  It just starts earlier.  

I've had other losses.  Grandparents, parents, siblings, friends.  None compared to losing our daughter.  I struggled the first year.  However, looking back at photos, I did a lot.  I was really good about putting on that mask and making everyone think I was "OK".  I tried counseling.  Not helpful for me.  Then, through good friends who lost their son, I found Compassionate Friends.   It saved my life.   

So how have I (personally) survived 14 years without my daughter.  My best friend?  I always scroll through pictures and make a folder before I start writing on the blog.  Surviving the last 14 years can be told with pictures.  

Memories.  Family.  Grandkids.  Old friends.  New friends.  The 5K.  Basketball.  Vacations.  Keeping her memory alive by sharing her journey.  And of course this blog.  Rereading her blog from the beginning, then Donny working for a year to get it published!  I pick it up and just open to any page.  And it brings her back.  I can hear her voice.  Maybe this is difficult for some to understand.  But that is the thing with grieving.  You do whatever it takes to get you through another day. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about HOW you grieve.    And this is how I've survived for 14 years.  Keeping her memory alive.                

So this is how I survived...in pictures:

  

MEMORIES

I have always been a journaler.  I love to write.  I also love to take pictures.  Hmmmmm...Melissa was a little like her mom?  Thank goodness.  It's where a lot of our memories come from, her writing, her photos!  If I have one piece of advice, it's take LOTS of pictures.  You never know when that is all you have left.  Videos too. 

Nick & Melissa - China Cottage for Melissa's birthday.  Must have been a warm January!

J Mac and Fort. Not sure where this is, but they were always having fun!

My Moraine Meadows family and WW friends at a Breast Cancer Walk.

At Karyn's wedding.  Melissa & Jody both gone now.

Melissa and her dad.

Melissa admiring her new brother!

Melissa & my sister Sue. Her Godmother. Both gone.

They did actually get along occasionally!

Family photo.

Happy Fort.

3 Day Walk in Atlanta.

Mother Daughter Weekend.

Melissa, Grandpa, beer.

Nick's wedding

Grandma & Grandpa at Melissa's new apartment.

Mother Daughter weekend.

Rugby friends.

FAMILY

Family kept us going.  Holidays, weddings, taking care of my dad.  And they knew Melissa better than anyone.  Nick especially.  I worried about neglecting Nick.  When you lose a child, you tend to focus on the one you lost.  I know that from experience when my brother died.  What I understand now is that my mom was grieving.  Grieving is hard work.   Understanding why grievers do the things they do helps too.  That's why I share my journey!

Taking care of Dad.

Spending time with Nick and family.

Staying close to John and Diana, John's parents.

Reconnecting with cousins, Jim and Christine.

Family Christmas's.

Family Christmas.

China Cottage with Grandma and Grandpa Fortener

Cousin Leanne, my sister from another mother.  Always there for me.

Siblings.

Celebrating family events - Matt proposed to Teresa at our house.

GRANDKIDS

Andrew was 8 months old when Melissa passed away.  Mere was pregnant with Max.  

Our grandkids were our reason to keep going.  In the beginning.  Took awhile to realize we had a LOT of reasons to keep going.  I wanted to see my grandkids grow up.  They were the light at then end of a long, dark tunnel.  

OLD FRIENDS

Next to family, old friends are so important.  You find out who your true friends are.  The ones who stick around and don't give up on you.  We have a lot of those friends.  It was a long time before I was ready to get back into living life.  I am so grateful for the friends that didn't give up on me.

Lisa, Carrie, Fonda Peters (Tim), me

Girls beach vacation. 2021

Me and Nancy. High school friend.

More high school friends (Rox, Mary)

more HS friends. Dee Dee (in our wedding) Patti.

Shelly. My crazy friend.

Mary.  Went to Carroll HS together one year.  Friends forever.

Moraine Meadows friends,  Two are gone (in the middle) Cole and Carrie.

Our neighbor Shirley and her son Mike.  

High school friends, Karen and Susan. Also FaceTime friends since Covid started.

Fairmont friends.  Friends since our kids were friends in high school. Lots of Spring Break vacations together.

Running into random people when you are in Florida...wearing a Cincy-Dayton Shirt.  I have the SAME shirt.  She played rugby with Melissa! 

Carol.  My neighbor, walking buddy for about 10 years.

High school friends, John (my birthday buddy) and Jennifer who also lost a daughter, Jody.

High school friends, Mary, Nancy, Theresa, Robin

Josh.  Hired on the same day at Moraine Meadows.  

Kelts friends - who continue to celebrate Melissa (Fort) with annual Breast Cancer Fundraisers.

Marla, high school friend and her daughter Mikala.

Mikala is a massage therapist.  After Melissa passed away she had me over once a month for several months for a massage. That was probably the only time I went out at that time.  

NEW FRIENDS

This is the part of the story that WOULDN'T BE if Melissa were still here.  We would give anything to have her back.  But good things have happened in the last 14 years.  New friends.

Carolyn and Randi (from Compassionate Friends)

Reconnected with old friends, Rooster, Mary, Mange, Mary

Lots of concerts and vacations.

This is Emily.  She found Melissa's blog in an article in the Cincinnati Weekly that Melissa wrote.

She started following the blog, and when Melissa passed she contacted me.  Turns out, she went to Ohio University too, lived in the same dorm as Melissa freshman year, had some of the same friends.  To make the story even MORE interesting she lives in Melbourne, Florida.  Right across the Indian River when dad was living at Victoria Landing.  She took her kids to visit dad, had us over for dinner when we were in town.  This was in Philadelphia.  We were there for a conference, she was there for a different conference, We randomly ran into each other in a very crowded market downtown!!  

JaVonna.  She played for UD.  I wrote a letter to her when I read an article about her friendship with Steve McIlvene.  They were good friends and she was grieving.  Later, coach asked players to write a letter to someone  who made an impact on their life.  I got that letter. We have been friends for a few years now.

Cassie and Casey.  Met Cassie at Fairmont.  First recipient of a Basketball Award given in Melissa's name. We followed her at UD, then Italy an Australia.  She was instrumental in having Melissa recognized at the Pink Game at UD.  This was at their wedding.  I will be introducing Cassie at her induction to the Fairmont Athletic Hall of Fame.

I've kind of become a part of the Westbeld family.  If I need to go shopping, or just be with the "girls", Susan, Amanda, Kathryn and Madeline are available (when they are home).  This was a shopping trip.

Had the basketball team over for pizza and a movie.  Made the mistake of letting then choose the movie. Stepbrothers.  I had never seen the entire movie, but my kids loved it.  WHOOPS.

Cassie.  First recipient of Melissa Fortener McLaughline B Positive Spirit Award.

Jamie Jarosik stepped in as our emcee at 5K, because my friend Cheryl McHenry couldn't be there that day.  Thank you Jamie!

It's the little things that make me happy.  Shauna Green, new head coach for Illinois Women's Basketball.  I met her at UD when I talked to the team before the Pink Game.  She contacted me before the season, said "new team, new place, old traditions"...keeping her FORT bracelet on her new water bottle,

Marjory.  She is Melissa's age.  She has twins Andrew's age, Kayla and Kameron, who both play basketball for Fairmont.  Good athletes.  And a daughter Keira who played for Fairmont a couple of years ago.  She is the team mom and instrumental in getting things done for the Fort 5K this year.

Shauna Green.  I sent her one of Melissa's books and a couple extra FORT bracelets.  I'm pretty sure she's wearing it in this picture.  This was the Illinois/Iowa game.  Iowa is #12 in the country and Illinois won.  They are 12-2 now.  We are going to the Illinois/Ohio State game.  One of many basketball games we attend now,

First Watch with Susan and Maddy.  

I miss Melissa every single day.  And I am grateful for all the new friends we've made in the last 14 years.

5K and Kelts Fundraiser

The first 5K was eight years ago.  Bob Franz and his daughter Chelsea organized that one.  All proceeds go to the Fairmont Girls Basketball program. This year we raised almost $10,000.

Melissa is still touching lives, helping others.  Another thing that makes me happy.

Kelts Fundraiser

Fort's cousins don't miss the fundraiser! Brandon and Maddy

5K Volunteers - friends AND family!  Jennifer, Jim and Kim, Leanne, Marjory, Mary, Amanda, Jean

5K Volunteers - Amanda, MaryBeth, Sharlotte, Leanne

VACATIONS

14 years ago, I had no interest in vacations.  Or anything.  We did go on Spring Break with our Fairmont friends a couple of months after Melissa died  - Nick, Mere and Andrew went.  We celebrated Andrew's first birthday there.  I didn't want to go.  But Donny did, so we went.  I found out that grief doesn't stay home.   It goes with you.

Eventually, after reconnecting with Donny's college friend and football teammate, Mange, they got us hooked on cruises.  Mary is a planner and we had some amazing trips.  And a lot of fun.  Something I never thought would be in my vacabulary again.  We also took the boys on a trip out west, same trip we took with Melissa and Nick 30 years earlier.  It was perfect.  Making memories for them,

Somehow this one snuck in with vacations...oh well.  This was our annual China Cottage lunch to celebrate Melissa's birthday.  It was her favorite place.  Tradition.

Softball friends.  Tournament in Myrtle Beach.

Compassionate Friends.  Visit to DC and the White House.

Randi and Carolyn, Jonnie and Dave and Jonnie's sister.

Moraine Meadows friends trip.

New Years Cruise with Mange and Mary.  2020.

During Covid, rented our friends cottage at Indian Lake.  Visited Ohio Caverns.

So if you made it this far,  I think you'll understand why I do this.  I look back and wonder sometimes how we got through those early days, weeks, years.  Because I am a picture taker, I can scroll through and see the progress.  I actually did a lot more than I thought I did in the beginning.  

We found something to get us through the winter.  The rough couple of months...holidays, her anniversary and birthday, John's anniversary, my sister's anniversary.    Basketball saved us.  Truly.  Gave us something to do, kind of mindless entertainment at the time.  Eventually we grew to love it.  And made some new friends along the way.

We survived because we keep her memory alive.  We still need her around.

Surviving this loss is different for everyone. Some have to stay busy.  Some CAN'T function.  Some have to move.  Some can't move. Most of us change.  Not the same person we were before we lost a part of us.

I can't give advice if you've lost a child.  But I can listen.  And I WILL remember.  It's your journey.  Whatever gets you through is right for you.  Counseling didn't work for me, but a support group did.  I didn't want to take any medication.  I felt like I needed to feel the pain to get through it.  I did that for a long time.  This year I was really struggling. So I contacted my doctor and started on an antidepressant.  It's really helped me.

Helping others through this loss helped me too.  Helping is healing.  

For those of you who are on the outside looking in?  Listen.  Don't give advice if you haven't been there.  Stay in touch, even if you keep getting turned away.  Send a text to check in.  Hugs are good too.  

I am so grateful for Donny, Nick and Mere, my grandsons,  memories, family, old friends, new friends, vacations, basketball!  

THAT is how I've survived for 14 years.  I look forward to seeing my daughter again.  I miss her every day.  But in the meantime, I'll expect the bad days (they still happen), and appreciate the good days.  And I will continue to share her stories.  For the rest of my life.