A Tribute to My Dad

There was a celebration in heaven on Monday...Dad joined my Mom, Steve, Sue, Melissa, John, JP, his Mom and Dad and all his lifelong friends who passed before him.  What a celebration it was I KNOW.

His services were last night and today at Holy Trinity Church (where his Mom and Dad were married, Mom and Melissa were buried from Trinity and Nick and Mere were married there.)

 There were Naval Officers and a Naval Bugler at the Cemetery...Dad would have loved it.

This was my Eulogy...my TRIBUTE TO MY DAD:

How do you put into words 88 years of a life well lived?  It’s not easy.

Dad was born May 31, 1930 (Actually, I found a small card that has Dad's footprint on it - when he was born.  There was a handwritten notation on the card that said "This child was born after midnight. So maybe his birthday was June 1, but it was May 31 on his official Birth Certificate!)  to Clarence & Mildred Rotert.  He had three older siblings Ethel, Anna Mae & Benny, all teenagers..and they spoiled him rotten.  They must have told him he was right all the time, because that stayed with him all his life.

He grew up in East Dayton (right around the corner on E. Fourth St.) and made lifelong friends there.  Bob Walters, Jim Walker (who he joined the Navy with in 1949) Jack Nowling and Dick Mayer.  They (and their families)were  family to us.  We went on camping trips with them, they had monthly parties for years.  I wish I could tell some of those stories, but they aren’t stories that were meant for Church!  The kids all stay in touch still

Dad went to Holy Trinity through 8^th grade, then Graduated from Parker Co-op in 1948. He joined the Navy in 1949.  He proudly served on the USS Midway from 1949-1953. 

He met mom when he was stationed in Philadelphia (He went to a dance and had a date with another girl.  Dad asked her to get a date for his buddy…it was Mom.  He was more interested in Mom, and well, the rest is history!)

They married June 6, 1953 – had four children – Donna, Pam (me) Steve and Sue.    (When Mom introduced Dad to her family – her parents and five brothers – they thought his name was Robert (ROTERT) and started calling him BOB.  So in Philly they were Uncle Bob and Aunt Re.  In Dayton they were Uncle Irvin and Aunt Mickey.)

We eventually settled in Beavercreek, where we went to St. Helens.  Dad was an usher there for many years, and served as the Festival Chairman in the late 60s.

Dad taught us the love of the outdoors – we went camping, boating, and Old River every summer (because he worked at NCR)  We camped out in the backyard every summer with neighborhood kids.  He taught us how to fish (which I never liked).    He taught me the love of sports – he played softball for NCR, he loved watching the UD Flyers (especially in the 60s) and Ohio State Football.   He also taught me how to play sports.  I am left handed, but play sports right handed, because that’s how he taught me!  Sports are a big part of my life – my families life to this day. 

I had the chance to tell Dad this last week.  I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to tell him the difference he made in my life.  He said “At least I accomplished something!” 

We had a great childhood.  We had a dog, Dixie, that Dad took hunting. He was an outdoor dog. Dad built him a doghouse, and made sure that it had plenty of straw in the winter – sometimes even blankets.  But when it got really cold, Dad would let Dixie inside.  But she had to stay in the kitchen.  I remember one night at dinner, we had peas and carrots.  I DID NOT like peas and carrots.  Dad told me I had to take one bite, and that I would sit there until I did.  I told him “Fine. I’ll sit here all night, I’m not eating them.” When Dad left the room, I held my plate down for Dixie.  Dixie LOVED peas!!!   Dad taught me PERSERVERANCE.   Everybody won.

When we went camping, we would unload the boat when we got there. Dad would get in the boat and hand things out to us.  The first thing he handed us was a lawn chair for mom.  She would sit down with a beer and a cigarette while we set up camp.  I never understood why we had to do all the work and mom got to sit down…until I was a mom.  Then I realized that Mom did all the work BEFORE we left – laundry, packing, grocery shopping for the trip.  I don’t think mom liked camping in the beginning, and Dad must have promised her that “HE would do everything”.  He was pretty smart.  He taught me a GOOD WORK ETHIC.

We took our first trip to Florida the summer of ’74.  Usually on long trips Dad & Mom shared the driving.  But this time Dad let me do part of the driving. I had the leg through Tennessee and the mountains.  It was my first experience of driving on the highway (if you know that part of 75, it’s a pretty scary drive!)  Mom kept saying, “She’s driven enough” and Dad said “She’s fine”.  He trusted me.  To this day, I drive that leg of the trip whenever we drive south!

Mom was the investor.  Dad was the spender .  He LOVED to spend money.  He got what he wanted – a boat, a camper, a 5^th wheel, a Carry out-the Beer Center. Yep.  They bought a carry-out (I think it had to do with the fact that Dad loved beer, so he thought he’d be good at selling it).  It was another of his “Hair brained Schemes” as Grandma (his mom) put it.

Dad was the life of the party.  He was a people person.  Everybody loved him….and he told me that on many occasions. 

He worked for Raj Soin at Modern Technologies.  Dad said “He loved me, because he loved politics and he thought I looked like Donald Rumsfeld”

Which he did.

When they moved to Florida and he joined the VFW, he became a regular.  Like Norm.  In Cheers.  Everybody knew Dad’s name “IRV” everyone would say when he walked into the bar.  I talked to them the other day.  She said “We loved Irv!”  He was right!

He was ALWAYS right.  Well sometimes.  Once when he called me, must have been February, he said “We have one less day this year.” (because it was leap year)  I said “No, Dad.  We have one MORE day. It’s leap year.”  He argued with me for a minute, and finally I asked him where he was.  The VFW of course.  I said “is there anyone sitting next to you?  Ask them.”  When he came back he said “You’re right”.  He didn’t admit that very often.

Got to the point the last couple of years that I learned to pick my battles.  He could be right all the time.  It made him happy.

Dad had a great life. He travelled, he had lots of friends.  Singing made him the happiest.  He loved to sing Karake.  And he was good at it.  He started his singing career right here at Trinity in the choir.  I believe he sang Ave Maria in one of his sister’s weddings. 

He and mom eventually bought a place in Melbourne Florida.  He loved Florida.

There was tragedy in Dad’s life as well.  He lost two children. Steve (his only son)  in 1975 and Sue in 2013.  And a granddaughter, our daughter, Melissa.  And a great grandson.  After Sue died, he decided to stay in Florida permanently.   He taught me to HAVE HOPE. (that you can survive the loss of not ONE child, but two.)

He lived in assisted living for two years in Florida in a beautiful place on the Indian River.  But he finally decided to move home to be closer to his family. 

He had to adjust to another home.-Traditions of Beavercreek- And he did – they had Happy Hour every day, which he didn’t miss very often.  He taught everyone to play rummy – HIS version, HIS rules.  They all adapted.  Although the woman who was playing with us made the comment one time “This isn’t how we play rummy in Wisconsin”.   Dad never wore his hearing aides (Which might have been because she and I talked the entire time we played and it drove Dad crazy)  so he never heard her comments. One time, he slapped his hand on the table and kind of yelled and said “YOUR TURN”.  She looked at me and said “Did you have to put up with this all your life???”

He loved when his whole family was around him…we had a family Christmas party at Traditions last year on December 3…he loved having everyone together.  He loved visits from his Grandchildren, great grandchildren (David, Neveah, Jessie, Andrew & Maxwell Irvin) –  and his Friday visits from Nick.  He loved that Matthew was living in his house and taking care of it.  He loved when Jessica and Becky came to visit.   Donna was with him every morning, I was with him every night.  He looked forward to those every day visits!

Dad and Melissa were very close.  One night, they were both at our house (and John too).  Melissa wanted to go to Taggarts (a bar) and wanted us to go.  It was 9:00 and too late for us…but NOT Dad!  He went with them and their friends.  I have a video she took.  Some day I’ll post that.  He had a great time with her. 

Family was important to Dad – he was very close to his nieces and nephews-close in age too-he was more like a cousin than an uncle and enjoyed doing things with them too.

A couple of months ago he stopped going to Happy Hour.  And the dining room.  He was running out of gas.

The activities director told me they missed Dad playing cards – but they were still playing by IRV’s RULES.

After he passed, about 10 of his caregivers came to say Goodbye.

There were a lot of tears.  He was right.  THEY ALL LOVED HIM.  And he loved them.  If you got a kiss on your hand you KNEW- I think most of them did!  He taught me to TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

Irvin J, Irv, Bob…he did it all. 

Coach, fisherman, outdoorsman, athlete

Singer. Jack of all Trades… And willing to share his birthday with his son-in-law for 45 years…

But most of all, a great husband, DAD, Grandpa, Great Grandpa, Uncle and Friend. 

I didn’t realize until I sat down and started reminiscing what an impact my Dad made on my life.  I am like him in so many ways.

I miss you already Dad.

I love you.

10 Years

Not even sure where to start. 

So I guess this is as good as any.  I think I found this on one of our stops to St. Louis this summer. 

A weekly planner for 2019.  Gotta start Being positive SOMETIME, so it might as well be 2019.

Reflecting on my last post, CAREGIVING 101, I realized I can give great advice, I just don't follow it myself.  Typical.  I have learned in the last 10 years that if you haven't lived it, it's probably not a good idea to give advice about it.  Anything.  And even if you HAVE lived it (anything) every situation is different.

The last couple of months have been overwhelming.  Without going into a lot of detail, it is mostly about taking care of my Dad.  I am not writing about this because I want pity.  I just want patience.  God knows Donny has had the patience of Job in the last few months.  I don't know why he's stuck around.  

I think the last piece of advice I gave about Caregiving was "take care of yourself.  You can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself".  Easier said than done.

Part of the issue here is the timing.  I am not a holiday person anymore (patience please).  Every year, the Monday before Thanksgiving brings back the memories of the beginning of the end for Melissa.  She went into the hospital that Monday.  She was in the hospital for Thanksgiving.  I had planned to have a "Kroger Thanksgiving" that year.  Melissa hadn't been feeling well, and I was spending most of my time with her.  When she went into the hospital, I cancelled those plans.  If you followed her blog, you know that she never came out of the hospital - from the hospital she went to Hospice.  She did get to come home for Christmas for ten days.  

So this year, it's just like THAT year.  Only this year it's Dad.   I'm having a hard time even thinking about the holidays.  Usually by this time (yes, after Melissa I eventually got back into the spirit, even if just a little bit) I have a box full of Christmas gifts.  Haven't bought the FIRST thing.  Haven't even thought about it.  Until now.  All of a sudden, every time I go into the store I am surrounded by Christmas stuff.  It might not get done this year.  

I did take my OWN advice and am seeing a counselor.  At Hospice.  Because Dad has Hospice care, they offer counseling (one on one AND group) for Caregivers.  Going to my second session tomorrow...10 years after Melissa went to the Hospital.  That Monday before Thanksgiving.  

If you read this, I would love to meet you for coffee sometime.  Or lunch.  Or you can come to my house for coffee.  I have a hard time reaching out.  I know the phone goes both ways, but I have a hard time asking for help.  

Got a call from a friend last week and I went to lunch and a movie (part of my homework from my counselor).  It felt good.  Donny & I have gone to a couple of basketball games already.  Our respite from reality.  

I will probably avoid Facebook on Thanksgiving.  This one will be just me and my Dad.  More than likely will be his last and I am not leaving him home alone.  So Wednesday, we'll have the boys, take them to a movie and have a Bob Evans Thanksgiving dinner.  Leftovers will go with me to Dad's and we'll watch football, movies and I'll take pictures.  

I am thankful that he is only five minutes away.  I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads (whenever I am feeling sorry for myself, I remember what Melissa always said "No matter how bad you have it, there is always someone who would love to be in your shoes!") Right now, there are 1000's of people in California who are living in tents and lost EVERYTHING in those fires.  I have nothing to complain about.  Really.   

Enjoy your family celebrations.  You are blessed if you have a family to celebrate with!  When I was in high school, I volunteered at the Thanksgiving Dinner that Elder Beerman used to put on.  It was open to anyone who wanted to come.  I appreciate the places that continue to serve Thanksgiving to people who have no family, are lonely or don't have the means to have their own Thanksgiving dinner.  

And I am looking forward to spending the day with Dad.  All he wants is lemon pie.  I used to make it every Thanksgiving.  Hmmmm....maybe I'll try again this week.  If I fail, there's always Mahaffie's!

And of course, nothing makes me happier than my grandsons.  They are growing into smart, kind, handsome young men.  Love them with all my heart.... (they got to go to the Bengals game last Sunday with their Dad & Mimi's husband Mike).

Andrew - 5th grade already!

Max - 3rd grade

Enjoy the holidays.  I'm working on it - posting on the blog was a start.  I continue to be a work in progress....

CAREGIVING 101

Haven't been here in awhile.  It's been a crazy couple of months.  I'm spending a lot of time with my Dad lately.  He's rebounded somewhat, but needs help getting out of bed, dressed, and undressed and back into bed at night.  I'm there daily (sometimes 2 or 3 times a day).  Thankfully, he's only five minutes away.

I needed a little motivation to get back on here.  My Dad was part of that motivation, and the other was my friend JaVonna (Layfield-UD Basketball?)  I got a message from her the other day - she was just checking in.   She's playing in Portugal now.  (That just amazes me.  I'm on a cell phone and we are talking like we are sitting next to each other.  I will NEVER understand this.)  Anyway, we talked a little about Melissa, a little about basketball.  I reminded her that if she gets bored (which she must have been because she messaged ME) she could always read the blog.  She said "I read the blog all the time!! But please!!! I need some more."  So here I am JaVonna.  This post is for you.  Kind of.  Actually it won't be very helpful for you right now, maybe in the future.  But YOU motivated me to get on here again, and I thank you for that!

OH.  And before I get on to CAREGIVING 101, I want to share this.  JaVonna got a tattoo right before she left for Portugal to play basketball.  She messaged me a couple of weeks before she had it done and told me what she was going to do.  I'm pretty sure I knew why she chose B POSITIVE to be part of the tattoo - I asked her what the significance of the sunflower was.  "The sunflower is a sign of positivity and perseverance.  No matter the weather-or what it endures, it always shines brightly and it's always standing."  She's a smart girl.  I'm sure it's not easy moving to a different country by yourself.  She needs to stay positive.  B POSITIVE.  Wish I could go see her play.  Will miss her on the court at UD this year!  Thanks JaVonna!!!!

I have been thinking about posting about this for a while now.  I have been Dad's primary caregiver for the last five years.  And WOW have I learned a lot.  One thing I learned when I was Melissa's caregiver was I had a LOT to learn.  And I learned from other people who were caregivers.  So I thought I'd share some of that insight.  

What I have found is that all I have to do is mention that I'm taking care of my elderly father and inevitably, if I'm talking to someone remotely close to my age, they are taking care of a parent too.

This post might not be for you right now.  But it might not hurt to scroll through - might help you in the future if your parents are still young and healthy.  

PRIMARY CAREGIVERS

I am not a professional caregiver-I don't get paid for what I do.  But I am an EXPERT.  I have been doing this for 40 years.  Starting with the birth of my first child, Melissa Marie.  I was 20 years old and had no idea what I was doing.  I learned the hard way (like ALL moms do) by trial and error.  By the time Nick was born, I knew enough that I didn't have to make as many calls to my mom or my mother in law.  They were the professionals back then.  I didn't know that THEN, but I know now that experience counts.  

My biggest test was when Melissa was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  She was living with John at the time, and he was her primary support person, but she called me a lot, and eventually I became her primary caregiving (outside the doctors).  I made the mistake of going to the internet for information. A good friend at the time (Deb R) advised me NOT to go to the internet....TOO LATE.  I was already full of information that I didn't understand and scared me to death.  Another friend (Pam B) introduced me to a friend of hers who was the Breast Care Coordinator for South Dayton.    

(Sharon - I think she's retired now).  She gave me her home phone, cell phone, pager, email address, and assured me that she would answer any questions I had, and if she couldn't answer them, she would get the answer!  She was such a valuable resource for both of us.

After Melissa, my next big caregiving job was my Dad.  That is what this post is primarily about - caregiving for an elderly parent.  That's where I am now.  And today, right now, I am totally overwhelmed.  If you know me at all, you know that I keep journals - and I write a lot.  It's cathartic for me.  So instead of dwelling on my anxiety right now, I decided to share some of the things I learned on this journey.  Helping others helps ME.  So here we go......

CAREGIVING 101

I started this journey with my Dad about five years ago.  He was living in Florida part-time, a snowbird.  Until my sister Sue passed away.  Then he decided he didn't want to come back to Dayton any more.  Everything was good.  He had a lot of friends in Melbourne-at the VFW, the local bowling alley bar.  He loved to sing Karaoke, and have a few beers.  He was very social.

Then he started falling.  Six times in three months.  The last time he fell, I got a call from his handyman, Brett, who Dad would call if something happened.  This particular time Brett couldn't get there.  So he called me.  In Kettering, OH.  "Your Dad fell and I can't get there".  I was thankful for the call but had NO idea how to handle the situation.  But I had to.  So I call 9-1-1.  Told them what was going on and they connected me with the Fire Department in Melbourne, Fl.  I asked them to make sure Dad took his phone when (if) they took him to the hospital.  Which they did.  I was able to keep in touch with him since there was no phone available in ER.  Then I made reservations to fly to Florida.  It was my sixth trip in 3 months.  (Drove a couple of times, flew a couple of times). 

This time would be different.  

While he was in the hospital, I talked to the Social Worker.  The doctor was planning on sending Dad home at the end of the week.  I reminded the SW that Dad had fallen SIX times in 3 months and something was going on that they hadn't figured out!  He needed to go to Rehab to get stronger before he went home and I went home.  It was then that the SW informed me that in order for Medicare to pay for rehab (at a facility), he would need to be admitted for 3 nights.  I didn't know this at the time, but when you are in the hospital, you are "Under Observation" until they decide to admit you.  You can be under observation for more than a night.  She agreed that he needed to be admitted as an inpatient and that he would be there for 3 nights until he could go to rehab.  She gave me the names of some Rehab facilities to visit (unannounced - the best way to visit.  They don't know you're coming.  You get to see how the patients interact, if it's clean etc.)  I finally chose the facility closest to the hospital-since I was in from out of town, I knew how to get there and it passed my inspection!)

While he was in the hospital, the Social Worker also talked to me about his living arrangements.  She told me he could no longer live alone.  It was then that she referred me to an organization called Care Patrol.  They help you find assisted living facilities.  Rob Graham was my contact person.  He was amazing.  

Mind you, this all happened in two weeks time.  I called Rob, he needed a LOT of information about Dad.  Financial and otherwise.  He wanted to meet Dad.  Assisted Living facilities are all different.  He wanted to find a perfect fit for Dad.    Problem was, I hadn't told Dad yet that he couldn't live alone any more.

CHOICES

This is where CHOICES comes in.  Dad wasn't ready to move out of his place in Florida.  But he couldn't be alone any more.    He wasn't ready to give up his independence either.    I had to make him understand that it just wasn't safe for him to be alone any more.  So he had a choice to make.  Come back to Ohio, or stay in Florida.    He had to be part of the decision.  I couldn't make the choice FOR him,  but I could give him his choices!

SAFETY/HAPPINESS

Your top priority when you are the primary caregiver is SAFETY first, then their happiness.  There are a lot of ways to keep them safe.  Being alone 24/7 unfortunately is not one of them.  There are a lot of good Home Health Care services available.  I found a good one (again, referred by SW).  While he was still at home after one of his first hospital visits- they were coming 3 hours/day.  Then 6 hours a day - 3 hours in the morning/3 hours in the evening.  They were good, and he didn't mind them coming in, but eventually he needed more care, and home health care can be VERY expensive.  

Another safety issue is driving.  Fortunately for me, when Dad was released from the hospital to Rehab, the doctor would not release him to drive.  He was in rehab for a month - but I knew that I was going to have to take his keys.  He was an aggressive driver and his social life was going to the VFW and Bowling alley, having a couple of beers.  He hadn't been in an accident, but I wasn't going to wait until he WAS in an accident.  I couldn't take the chance that he would hurt someone.  I talked to him about that, and of course his response was "I would never hurt anyone"....

It was a difficult decision, but besides the safety issues, he couldn't afford a car payment, car insurance AND Assisted Living.  So I took his keys AND his car - back to Ohio.  It took him awhile, but he finally accepted the fact that he wouldn't drive again.

You have a lot of difficult decisions to make as a caregiver.  There aren't too many easy ones.  

As far as keeping your loved one happy, there's not a lot you can do.    They have to be part of that too.  You can only do so much.  

ADVOCATE

You are your loved ones advocate.  You need to make phone calls, ask questions, make decisions.  Be informed.  Don't be afraid to ask questions.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Can't say this enough.  One of the first things I did with Melissa was buy a spiral notebook (I bought the small ones that I could keep in my purse) Take notes at every Doctors appointment.  I use the notebooks to write phone numbers, appointments, comments.  Questions I want to ask so I didn't (don't) forget.  I have a Composition notebook I use for everything for my Dad.  The reason I recommend this is I KNOW where I can find what I wrote down.  It's not in any particular order (chronological ) but I had to stop writing on pieces of paper that I had in my purse.  I lose things too easily when there is a lot going on.  (Now if you are a tech person- you might want to do a spreadsheet - Donny is getting all his mom's stuff together now and put it on a spreadsheet.  Whoopty doo.  It works for him.  Mine is all scribbled in a notebook and I can find what I need.  WHATEVER works for you.  Just keep it all in one place.  

Keep track of the all the time you are spending too.  You might need that later.

LEGAL/FINANCIAL 

Since we don't know when we are going to die, it's kind of hard to know when is a good time to start getting things in order.  If your parents are retired, it's time.  

I have decided that I'm going to make it easy on Nick.  I already have a binder with all the information he will need when the time time comes.  He won't be searching through drawers/closets/under beds/file cabinets for information.  Although you find a lot of interesting things while your doing that.  Like pictures.  UGH.  So many pictures.  So little time.  (we do have our pictures organized - thank you Donny - not in boxes.  Nick will more than likely throw most of them away.  That's ok.  I won't be here.)

Back to Legal/Financial - if your parents (or you) are retired, it's time to start getting organized.

Donny is doing this with his mom now - it's a full time job!  But getting it done early takes the pressure off if something happens.

Some of the things you should think about (I did all this in two weeks while my Dad was in rehab) - Financial/Medical Power of Attorney

A Will

DNR

Finances

If your parent served in the Military during wartime, they might qualify for VA Aide and Assistance. If you are interested in a number you can call to find out - message me.  There are financial parameters, but it's worth looking into!  Spouses may qualify as well.  Every little bit helps.

PROFESSIONAL HELP/ADVICE

Don't hesitate to ask for advice or help if you need it.  I would not (could not) have gotten everything in order with my Dad without the help of some professionals.  Doctors, social workers, friends who have been there.  You can't do this alone.  It is overwhelming, but it can be done.

SUPPORT GROUPS

Ah.  Support groups.  Never in my life would I have thought I would need a support group.  I am in multiple groups now.  It's how I've survived.

You don't have to go to an "organized" support group.  Start your own.  When Dad first went into assisted living I was talking to a friend who was taking care of her Dad.  I was a little ahead of her - my dad was already in AL - her dad was headed there.  Then I was talking to another friend (my girlfriends from grade school-who I have reconnected with) who is taking care of her 98 year old mom.  We started going to breakfast on Saturday mornings - a place that had a Bloody Mary bar.  Not that a recommend drinking, but it helped us.  We talked about how we were handling different situations, how we were feeling - and we talked about a lot of other things.  But it was good to sit down with someone who understood!  Unfortunately, we haven't gotten together in awhile. Our parents are all at the stage where they are requiring a lot more time, so we haven't been able to get together.  I miss that.  I NEED that.  

Just yesterday I had coffee with a good friend whose mom is getting ready to move into assisted living.  There are a LOT of us out there.  We find each other!!!   

THANK YOU'S

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the Professional Caregivers.  (I am a volunteer caregiver).

The professionals are the ones who come into your parents/loved ones homes.  They are the ones that take care of them at the facilities.  The nurses (I wish I could name all the nurses that have taken care of Dad - YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL!!!!! and Nurses Aides (YOU DO THE THINGS THAT I CAN'T DO!!!!! The people who greet you at the door.  The people who work in the dining room.  The Activities directors.  The handymen.  I can't thank them enough.  At Victoria Landing in Melbourne - I wasn't there to visit Dad like I can here.  You all made sure he was loved when I couldn't be there. 

And now, at Traditions, I'm with some of you when you are with Dad.  You love him like I do.

I know he is taken care of and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all of you!!!!

(He might not show it, but he appreciates you too.  I wish he would use his button more!)

Take care of YOU!!!!!

And last but not least, take care of YOU.  That is the hardest thing for a caregiver.  In my honest opinion.  Some days I feel like I am not doing enough.  I want him to live forever.

But I also realize if I don't take care of myself, I won't be here to take care of him.

I wrote this blog post on my four mile walk this morning (in my head).  I don't know if I remembered every I wanted to say - but most of it is here.

Take a walk, get a hobby.  Have lunch with a friend.  Write in a journal.  Hell.  Even go on a vacation.

Sometimes it's hard to get away.  But you have to.  You could go insane trying to do everything.

If you are one of the fortunate ones to have siblings that help, TAKE THAT HELP.  If your siblings live out of town, find something they can do to help.  A Power of Attorney does not have to live in town (Financial) - I have a couple of friends who take care of their parents affairs and they don't live in town.

If your siblings live in town, ASK THEM to help.  A visit a couple of times a week is lifesaving. Literally.

You are not alone.  There are a lot of us out there.  

If you are a caregiver and have some advice, please post here.  I'm sure I missed something.  If I did and I remember, I'll be back.

In the meantime - Enjoy the good days!  

OH.  And B POSITIVE.

Happiness Comes in Waves

If you get bored with pictures, you might want to skip this post.

We've had an incredibly busy month.  After the month of May, when I was really struggling, I needed to keep busy.  July took care of that!

We started the month with a vacation with Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max.  Our second consecutive family vacation.  Marco Island.  We stayed in a condo owned by one of Melissa's best friends...and we all got along - for an entire week!

First day walk on the beach.  Donny and I continued the walks, early in the morning every day. We're retired - they were on vacation!  We all did whatever made us happy!

My boys...Max, Andrew, Nick, Donny

Nick, Max, Mere, Andrew

Dinner out.  Mexican, my favorite.

And ice cream to follow.

Max wanted to be the Statue of Liberty.

I bought them each something to take home.  Max wanted a Pug.  This is the best kind to have!

Andrew.  Take the "L"

Sunset

Two of my favorite people!

Stacy and Casey took us to their favorite place - a (semi) private beach.

Max andMia

Andrew

Our own little beach!

The girls 

Happy Hour

Fourth of July on the beach.  Packed that day!

Casey, Nick, Mere, Stacy

Andrew teaching the girls how to dive (he just learned that morning!)

Max playing frisby with Joseph.

Max, Andrew, Mia, Emma

Max and Joseph.  Joseph is autistic.  He was with his family from Miami.  Max and Joseph made a connection.  Max was so compassionate.  I was so proud of him.

Another sunset.

Cathy, Tony, Emma and Mia, our new friends from Canada.

Family photo 

Of course Fort was there...

Last night on the beach.

We had a great time in Marco Island.  The week went fast.  It was relaxing (I think) for Nick and Mere, and Donny and I got our walks in every day.  Lots of beach time.  Found a great restaurant - Lee Bee - the menu was simple-whatever they caught that day!  The first time we went it was grouper and snapper.  Fried, grilled, blackened.  Platter, basket or tacos.  You watched the cook prepare your dinner.  It was awesome.  Nick's ALL TIME favorite restaurant.  Kids loved it too!  

We drove home - stopped in Alabama again to visit Karen and Charley (my high school friends) on their farm!  Another great visit!

Karen, Charley, me, Donny

Southern Caribbean Cruise

Got home on Monday, (fortunately we had a washer and dryer in the condo in Marco Island)-because we unpacked for only a couple of days!  Left Friday for an eight day cruise to the southern Caribbean.  

Met Mange and Mary, our cruise buddies for the last 5 cruises, in Columbus.  Flew into Ft. Lauderdale.

We always looks for signs from our girls - we got our first signs in the airport!

We were headed to pick up our luggage.  Mary walked past this guy who said hello.  She stopped and they both turned around and realized they KNEW each other!  He was Courtney's first tennis coach (when she was in elementary school).  If you've read the blog before, you know that Mange and Mary's daughter Courtney died of ovarian cancer in 2011.  She was 27.  And a LOT like Melissa.  Athletic, lots of friends, and a fighter.  So running into Courtney's coach was a pretty big sign.  We stopped, talked, took pictures.  (another interesting side note - he was there with his son who is a tennis player as well.  He goes to New Albany, outside of Columbus.  The Athletic Director at his high school is a friend of Nick's from high school!  Small world!)  So anyway, after talking for several minutes - we turned around and were just flabbergasted that they ran into this guy.  As soon as we turned to go to baggage claim, on the floor in front of us was a butterfly - painted on the floor. Our sign from Melissa!  (we covered a lot of area in the Ft. Lauderdale airport, and didn't see a butterfly painted on the floor anywhere else!!!)  Both our girls were there.  Great way to start our trip!

So we head to Miami, where we will spend the night before we board the ship.  Hilton Downtown Miami.  Beautiful.  Dinner, drinks by the pool.  

We wanted to get to the port early, so talked to the concierge about transportation.  Of course he recommended Uber, which neither of us knew anything about.  He was very helpful...told me to get the app and he would walk me through it.  I finally belong in the 21st century.  I have UBER!!!!  We were impressed.  Called, our ride was there within minutes - five minutes to the port.  It was awesome.  So we get on the ship, head to the top deck for drinks...when Mary STOPS in her tracks and says "Oh My God.  I left all my money in the safe in the hotel!!!"  (all her cash for the ENTIRE week!!!)  Mary is the planner of all the trips we go on.    I am so much better under pressure.  Figure things out on the spot.  Since I had Uber (now), I would go with her back to the hotel.

This ship (the Carnival Vista) had just disembarked 5000 people.  5000 more were checking in. And Mary and I were running in the opposite direction.  To get OFF the ship.  First thing we had to do was go to our Staterooms (which weren't ready yet) and get our Sign and Sale cards (which you use for everything on the ship - drinks, shopping, casino, and its a key to get in your room!) then we had to go through Security AGAIN.  Finally got off the ship - called UBER.  Two minutes later we were in the car trying to explain the situation.  And our driver didn't speak English.  He knew "OK" and "I don't speak English".  So we talked LOUDER and slooooowwwwweerrrrr....and he still didn't understand.  But he knew where we needed to go, and when we got there, I just didn't get out of the car.  Security at the hotel was waiting for Mary - took her up to their room and THANK GOD the money was in the safe!  We were back on the ship in less than an hour.  And Donny and Mange were waiting at the door for us.  

FINALLY!  Back on the ship...CHEERS!!!

Out of the 5000 checking in, 1400 were kids.  It was a busy ship.  Met some wonderful people from all over the country.  And if you've never been on a cruise ship, the majority of the people who work on the ship are NOT American.  A lot of people from Asia.  Hardest working people you'll ever meet.  And they ALL know English.  Or enough to be friendly and helpful.  And if they are waiting on your table or cleaning your room, they introduce themselves and REMEMBER your name.  Every time they see you.  No matter where it is on the ship.  It's amazing.  

The food was great.  Too much.   I told Donny it's a floating Golden Coral.  Only with great food.  Seems like the portions at dinner are getting bigger.  I didn't like that - I guess they are Americanizing the portions.  Americans eat too much.  But on the ship, they want you happy.  And they want you to drink (because you're not driving, so it's OK).  We really didn't see anyone who overindulged, but we were never up very late because we were up so early every day.  We walked the track every day (Donny averaged 6 miles a day!)  I only remember taking the elevator one time.  We walked the steps all the time.  We were on the 9th floor.  Went anywhere from the 3rd floor to the 14th!  Lots of walking.  Our hall was 3 football fields long - Donny, a former football official, paced it off.  I walked the halls instead of the track because it was air conditioned!  Work smarter - not harder!  

Our cruise buddies!

Our ports of call...

GRAND TURK

Off the ship straight into a shop.    First thing I see is this T-Shirt

Wow.  We always talk about grief, how it comes in waves (sometimes tsunamis!).  This shirt reminded me that HAPPINESS comes in waves too.  I really wanted this shirt, but of course they only had smalls, so I took a picture instead.  We had a tsunami of fun on this trip!

We've been to Grand Turk before - it's where I had my first massage on a beach!  And whadda you know!  It's still there!

 This is Mary & Mange - they went first...

Waiting for my massage!

Made some new friends at Margaritaville from NJ!

The pool at Margaritaville.  We were off the ship at 8:30 a.m. (had to be back on at 1:30)

Margarita's at the pool bar at 9 a.m.  Crazy.

Ran into our Cruise Director Adam too! (he was awesome!)

Dominican Republic

Got off the ship just to walk around the shops - then right back on.  

These little fish eat the dead skin off your feet.  EWWWWW.  No this is not me.

Off the ship to get a picture!

and another...

and another...

CURACAO

Off the ship to shop and head to the beach for a couple of hours!  Lots of things to do in Curacao..

There was a ship regatta going by when we got into port!

Looking off the ship at Curacao.

Donny found a place to rest his weary head...

All we saw was FORT.

Mange & Mary

Donny...who KNEW he was a shopper!

Can you find Mange in the crowd?

Was leaning over a railing and saw these guys...

The shoppers...

Finally on the beach and Mary is already planning the NEXT day!

A billboard in Curacao.  Donny's mom is a RADO!

Donny almost stepped on this guy!

A heart of locks.

The beach we went to!

On the ride to the beach, we learned a lot from our cab driver.  All about Curacao and the fact that citizens of Curacao learn FOUR languages.  English being one of them.  Interesting, in our country we expect everyone to learn OUR language, in other countries they welcome many languages...even learn to speak them!  Very welcoming.

ARUBA

Our favorite port on this cruise.  Shopping again first, then on to Eagle Beach.  

Mary found a spot with WIFI!

FUN on the ship!

White Night! An oldies party.  We fit right in!

towel art

The only sunrise we actually got up for.  And we got a HEART from Fort to boot!

more towel art

Not "our" pool - this one was too crowded!

Donny rode these slides!

our pool!

I got serenaded!

The SkyRide.  Got in line because it was the shortest line of the trip, and found out I couldn't wear flip flops, so I wore Donny's shoes.

The sky ride - goes out over the edge of the ship.  You pedal your way around.

Fun fun fun!!!!

Im in this photo by the pool!

Donny and his fru fru drink.

One of the actors in the show hitting' on my husband!

More fun

Went to see a movie in the IMAX!

Great cruise.   Got off the ship and headed back to Ft. Lauderdale for the night.

Ft. Lauderdale

We got about 20 minutes on the beach.  Donny and I walked for about 10 minutes, then came back and fell asleep on our chairs...only to wake up getting rained on.  A DOWNPOUR followed!

Dinner (I mean DRINKS)

Out shopping again.

The Elbo Room

Decorated palm trees

You want to travel with Mary.  She can get you upgrades (we were upgraded to Suites because she told them we were celebrating our anniversaries!)  Then they brought 2 bottles of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to our room!!!

Last morning by the pool.  That night we were back home in OHIO.

Not ready to go home.

In 1981, we stayed in this hotel.  I think it's a Marriott now.  It was a Stouffers then.  Donny had to go to Ft. Lauderdale to work, so he took the three of us along.  Melissa was 3 Nick was 1. I spent two weeks by the pool.  Met two couples who found a way to get us on an Aircraft Carrier (the Independence) that was in port.  

Ft. Lauderdale Beach.

HOME SWEET HOME

For two days.  Then on to St. Louis for the Compassionate Friends Conference.  I'll post

those pics on FB.

Left St. Louis on Sunday after the Walk to Remember.  Got a call that Dad was going to the Hospital. That's where I am now updating the blog.  He was doing okay this morning...not so good tonight.  I'm staying overnight with him.  Nurse just came in to take his BP, (it's been high) and it hurt and he was yelling at her to take it off.  I told him to hold my hand til she took it off...so he did...and then he kissed my hand.  He can be SO sweet sometimes.  Then he tried to get out of bed.  He's a little confused about where he is.  I told him I'd sing to him. So I started singing "Rock-a-bye-Baby" and he yawned...Now he's asleep.  My singing puts the boys right to sleep too.  Hope it lasts.

Good night.  Sleep tight.