Life Lesson #2

I've had a little time to think about the anonymous letter I received today.  I've consulted a couple of experts (Donny, Nick and my best friend Jennifer, who has also lost a child.)

I've decided to respond to your letter since you decided to send it anonymously.

Since you are a "follower of the B POSITIVE Blog" I assume you know me.  You also know my address.  You state you sent this "in the mode of friendship and caring".

First of all, I find that a little amusing since you didn't sign your name.  I also find it interesting that you typed the letter.  (It's kind of one of those letters that you'd get with cut out letters out of a magazine).

My first inclination was that this was from someone who was concerned about me.   I will admit, my post WAS sad.  I WAS depressed.  It was Mother's Day Weekend.  AND my mom's birthday weekend.  (The next weekend was the 11th anniversary of my mother's death.)

I decided that it was OK to post how I was feeling.  YEP.  I want to be with Melissa.  Doesn't EVERY mother want to be with their child on Mother's Day???  Maybe it was my wording.  "I am SO ready to be with Melissa."

At Compassionate Friends Meetings, we can say that and NOT be judged.  We ALL want to be with out child.  EVERY day.  

You chose to judge my wording by telling me "It seems like the rest of your family doesn't matter at all to you".  This is the part I talked to my son and my husband about.  Nope.  They didn't agree.
My whole life for the past 10 years has been about my husband, son, and grandsons.  I have pretty much abandoned my friends to spend time with my family.  Ask any of my friends.  You also said "I would be so hurt if I read that from my mom/grandma).  "You need to spend your remaining days spoiling your Dad, her brother and her nephews."

While I assumed that you know me (because you know my address), they both agreed that you don't know me AT ALL.  That's all I have done for the last 10 year.  Every Christmas I make a book for my Grandsons.  It's pictures of everything we do together all year.  It's their favorite gift.  My husband and son don't feel slighted by me at all.

You also reminded me how fortunate I am that we get signs from Melissa.  You must know that from reading the blog.   And "how fortunate I am that many people and organizations are actively  and successfully keeping Melissa's memory alive."  I believe that every year I thank the KELTS for remembering and honoring Melissa at the Breast Cancer Fundraiser.  We love them and appreciate them and I believe they know that.  "Find peace and comfort in her ongoing memory and the charitable donations her memory generates.  That should be rewarding to you."

Did I say it wasn't????

"You have experienced great loss in the last 10 years.  Melissa entitled her blog B POSITIVE and she found something positive in everything she experienced."

You were very concerned when I wrote "I am totally overwhelmed and sad. "  Yep.  I was.  Ten Mother's Days without my daughter. (Oh yes, you reminded me that I had 20+ years WITH her.)
Do you think I FORGOT that????  I don't need that reminder.  It took me awhile but I eventually got to the point where I try to remember her LIFE and not her DEATH.  I have made a lot of progress.

"Melissa would be the first one to tell you to get professional help to deal with your feelings so you can B POSITIVE."  How do YOU know what Melissa thinks???  And just to be clear, I DID get professional help.  Twice.  First time, the therapist fell asleep while I was talking about Melissa.  That's when I started going to Compassionate Friends (I am the Chapter Librarian now).  Some of our closest friends we met through TCF.  We go to the National Conference every summer.  TCF saved my life.  And we have lifelong friends through TCF now.
I received a letter like this several years ago, I saw a therapist a second time about that letter.  She really helped me.  She has since retired.  I don't know if you've ever gone to a therapist, but it 's not easy finding one that works.  And takes your insurance.  I choose Compassionate Friends over a therapist now.

I ended my post with "Don't ever take what you have for granted."  That was advice that I felt I could give because I lived it.  I DON'T take what I have for granted.  My entire life now is dedicated to my family.  You might think you know me, but you don't.  But you felt like you could tell me "YOU ARE taking what you have for granted."  That hurt.

You also said "You are choosing to let your losses influence and override the good things you have in your life.  You have failed to B POSITIVE."

I told my husband, my son and my friend Jennifer that THAT was what hurt the most.
Let me ask YOU, anonymous letter writer.  Did you know that I (with the help of a lot of other people)organized a fund raiser for Melissa's scholarship that raised $24,000?  That I have done a 3 day 60 mile walk for Breast Cancer 3 times?  Three half marathons for Breast Cancer? Multiple 5Ks for breast cancer?  I talk about my daughter every chance I get.

You also reminded me that "life is not easy for any of us.  Things don't turn out the way you planned or the way you think they should.  No one lives forever.  Life goes on.  We cannot control what life deals us, but we can control how we react to it. Don't let your grief continue to consume your entire family.  It is time to take some serious steps to B POSITIVE."

No signature.  That says it ALL.

If you KNOW me, you would have called.  It took me a couple of hours to think about this, talk to Donny, Nick and Jennifer.  They are all angry.

I pulled your crumpled letter out of the trash after I decided to respond to it.

Your intentions were good.  Your approach was hurtful and insensitive.  I'm guessing you will not call, since you chose to type the envelope and the letter, you don't want me to know WHO you are.

I chose to respond to your letter here because I was thinking about Melissa.  She too received an anonymous response to a post she made once.  I believe it was the post about the Rubi Girls fundraiser for her.  She had a beer in her hand in the pictures.  The annonymous responder chose to judge Melissa for her decision to drink.  I guess.

My daughter lived EVERY day to the fullest.  Yes, she had some alcohol when she was on chemo.
She went Cabrewing after she had her mastectomy while she had drains in (much to my chagrin).
She knew what was coming.  And she was going to enjoy every minute of her life.
She played rugby just a few months before she passed away.  She came to see me play sand volleyball in September (3 months before she passed) and begged to play - so she came in for me for a few minutes.  She probably shouldn't have done that either.

Melissa had bad days too...and she posted about them occasionally.  Just like I did on Mother's Day.
I AM struggling.  I don't have my daughter any more.  My ONLY daughter.  My best friend.  I am ALLOWED to grieve.  And I thought it would be ok to say that.  On Mother's Day.

I am touched that you are concerned.  But let me give YOU some advice.  If you want to help someone, don't do it anonymously.  Send a letter.  AND SIGN IT.  Or call.  I really did need someone to talk to that week.  Even NOW.   What you said in your letter was insensitive and hurtful.  A phone call of "Are you ok?"  would have been so much better.

I don't even want to know who you are.