PUBLISHED!!!

 Not long after Melissa passed, we talked about getting her blog published.  

For the last 13 years, off and on, we worked on it.  Did a lot of Googling for information on how to self publish.  Putting this blog in chronological order would take a lot of work.  As you know if you've been a follower of this blog, the first thing you see is the last thing posted.  

Last winter, Donny went to the end of the blog (which is actually the beginning) and began cutting and pasting the posts in chronological order.  By late spring, early summer, it was almost ready.  And over one thousand pages!  That included pictures and comments.  He knew that it had to be shortened somehow, and that was his next task.  

Getting it published was the biggest obstacle.  

And then, on one of our daily walks, a friend was driving by, and he stopped.  He got out of the car and said "I have something for you!"  He had written a book called The Arena (by Mark Ewald).  Kind of a Chicken Soup for the Soul for coaches.  Several years ago he had asked Donny for a story about Melissa.  It was included in his book, and he had a copy for us!  Divine intervention!!!

Donny asked him how he got it published.  And the journey was about to reach its conclusion.  Mark sent Donny to Schuerholz Graphics, a local printing company that we have used many times before.  Specifically for Melissa's Chemo Fun Books.  He worked with Anne, who did the editing.  From there, Mark gave him the name of a woman in Missouri (whose title is Graphic Designer); she helped get it ready to be published - getting margins right, ISBN number.  The things we had no idea how to do. Donny talked to his nephew, Ryan (who is a graphic designer and Melissa's cousin), if he would design the cover.  Of course he would!!! And he did.   

Within a few weeks, it was ready for Amazon!

JP's birthday was Wednesday.  He would have been 19.  We know he would have gone to college, and probably at University of Cincinnati because we know Melissa would still be working there.  Anyway, I digress.

The next day, Donny got the call from Terese in Missouri.  It was ready for publication.  Kind of felt like it was a gift for JP.  And for us.  And for everyone who knew her.  Now, for those who didn't know her, but hopefully will if they buy her book!   

It went live on Friday.  Donny did all the work getting it ready.  Almost a year.  So I'm in charge of marketing.  With Social Media, it's easy to get the word out.  

If you are wondering about the proceeds, most will go to the Cincinnati Kelts.  We're not expecting a windfall; profits from Amazon aren't a lot.  That's not what matters the most to us.  What matters more to us is sharing her story; it keeps her alive for us. 

The book can be purchased on Amazon in Paperback, Hard Cover or (soon) e-book.  Just enter Forts Cancer Sux in the search bar.   

This has been a whirlwind week.  The book being published, the FORT 5K coming up November 6, and football season coming to an end.  Max's season is over (seventh grade), Andrew's last game is today.  He's a freshman.  Ten weeks goes by pretty fast!  

Melissa always ended with pictures of Andrew.  So I'll close with Andrew and Max.

Andrew

Andrew

Max

Max 

Melissa says "Thank you!!!"  

This was one happy day.  

CARRIE

 It's been a rough couple of months.  Again.

In about 8 weeks time, I lost two good friends.  One to suicide, one to Covid.  My friend who took his own life wasn't directly related to covid, but indirectly it was.  He had depression issues that were exacerbated by the pandemic.  He was a really good guy.  We were only colleagues for two years, but stayed in touch for 30.  He was so kind.  He was his mom's caregiver and a college advisor.  He touched a lot of lives.  

Only a few weeks later, another colleague from 30 years ago (actually the 3 of us worked together at Moraine Meadows) was diagnosed with covid.  Carrie.  She was admitted to the hospital on New Years Eve, and within ten days was moved to ICU.  I didn't find out she was in the hospital until Jan. 10. I sent her a message and she replied the next morning.  "I have been in 12 days.  I'm in ICU now.  It sucks."  Later that day, she sent another message. "I just saw a team of doctors.  They are keeping me in ICU for several more days.  My oxygen level is low.  I can't talk."  That was the last message I received from her.  

Last summer I went to Deerfield Beach with a group of girls from MM.  Carrie was my roommate.  One of the other girls (Rachel) said that Carrie called (or texted) her and said "I'm going to need a sub for a couple of weeks."  Wow.  She reminded me so much of Melissa.  When Melissa was in Hospice and the Provost from her department visited, she told him she would be back to work in a couple of weeks.  They BOTH loved their jobs and had no intention of dying.  Life was going on!!!  Unfortunately, it wasn't the end result for either one of them.  Carrie was on a ventilator a couple of days later, and passed away on January 24.  She was a Mom to twin boys, a caregiver to her parents and the only sibling of one sister.

We met in August 1991 when I was hired at Moraine Meadows.  She was the kindergarten teacher. Our rooms were next to each other.  We hit it off immediately.  Probably because she LOVED the library, and I was the new Librarian.  

I was also the Writing to Read coordinator, which meant every spring (for 17 years) she would bring her Kindergarteners to the library for Writing to Read.  We had four stations.  The writing station (with the teacher), a listening center (with books on tape), computer station and Making Words.  That was with me. Carrie's goal for WtoR (later changed to Literacy Lab), was to have all of the students recognizing and writing the letters of the alphabet.  At the time (before a lot of kids attended pre-school) we started with the majority of our kids not knowing the alphabet.  But they were ready to start writing in the spring!We had so much fun working together.  

Carrie was a great kindergarten teacher.  First of all, she was about their size!  She was patient, but firm. (that would come in handy years later). She had a heart of gold.

She had a memory like a steel trap! (Some of the memories I'm sharing are probably not completely accurate...that's is what I will miss most about Carrie.  If I forgot anything, she was the person I would call!!!)  I took thousands of pictures at MM in the 20 years I was there.  Carrie was the memory.

Carrie was an instigator...at least one time with me!  She looked so sweet and innocent...It was either my first or second year at MM.  We were in the lounge and one of our teachers had posted a message on the bulletin board.  "If you need a housekeeper, see me.  Mine is exellent !"  Carrie was very observant as well.  When she noticed the misspelling, she looked at me and said "Someone needs to circle that with a red pen and write SP"  Then she handed me the pen.  I was new, so I went along.

When the teacher who posted it saw it a little while later, she immediately went to Josh's room.  OF COURSE Josh would do something like this!  She walked into his classroom (while he was instructing his class!), held up the card, and said "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS???"  Josh, with his innocent face, said "See Pam Fortener".    A few minutes later, she came into my room.  Same thing.  "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS???"  My reply (sheepishly) "No?"  I should have sent her to Carrie's room, because it WAS Carrie's idea, but I loved Carrie.    And she was sweet and innocent.  So I protected her.  Because we were good friends.

I remember the summer after my first year, she came over to show me the new car her husband bought her for their first anniversary.  It was a brand new Lexus.  Black.  Beautiful!

It wasn't long after that that one morning she came into the library and found me reshelving books in between two sets of shelves.  She was crying.  Her husband wanted a divorce.  She was crushed.  One of the many adversities that she faced in her too short life.  And she moved on and never looked back.  Every adversity (major) she faced she handled that way.

My second year at MM, our Principal, Rusty, decided that we were going to a Learning Styles Conference in Chapel Hill, NC.  Rusty, Carrie, Jackie, Josh, Debbie, me.  He rented an eight passenger van and off we went. The days when the district actually sent you to conferences and PAID for it too!!!  The conference was great (made a lot of changes when we returned!) and we did a lot of sightseeing while we were there.  On the way home, Carrie made Rusty stop at every McDonalds...she was collecting the toys in the Happy Meals, and wanted the entire collection.  (I think it was Madame Alexander dolls).  She knew what she wanted and she always found a way to achieve her dreams.

That was the first trip of many.  Every trip we became closer; as a  staff and as friends.  After that, we started doing Mental Health weekends (mostly to Embassy Suites in Covington).  We took longer trips in the summers to Gatlinburg, Williamsburg and Saugatuck Mich.  The more we travelled, the better we got to know each other.  We were becoming a family.

We were there for each other through the adversity.  For Carrie, divorces, moving to another school (which she ended up loving!) losing her grandmother who she was so close to, and not long before she was diagnosed with covid, Cancer.  She SURVIVED cancer.  

We were there for each other for celebrations, too.  Birthdays, weddings, graduations and holidays.  And for funerals and lost loved ones as well.

About ten years in at MM, Carrie had remarried and was pregnant.  I remember the day she went for her ultrasound.  She came back to school and we were all in the office.  She laid the ultrasound on the counter and said "This one's a boy."  We all looked at her.  What do you mean "THIS one??"  And then she said, "and THIS ONE is a boy!"  That's how we found out she was having twins!!!  We were all as excited as she was!

Carrie was probably the most frugal person I have ever met.  And thoughtful.

She was great at finding good deals and never hesitated to share her findings.  She recently sent me a text that she found a t-shirt I might want.  It had a butterfly and a message about being kind.  She sent a picture too, and told me I could get it at Five and Under.  It was only $5!!  So of course I bought one! (she knew that butterflies were significant to me.)  She occasionally sent me articles that she read on grief and grieving.  

This summer, Carrie called.  She and Lisa were going to a Premier at the Neon Movies.  Did I want to go?Of course.  We were meeting at Carrie's (her "new" house that I'd never seen - she'd been there for at least ten years!).  When I arrived, she was dressed in the cutest sundress.  "Why didn't you tell me you were dressing up????"  Her reply?  "This was $5 at the thrift store!"  Again.  Frugal.  Best deals!!!  Then Lisa showed up.  Dressed in a cute sundress.  OMG.   I was in casual shorts and a top.  "WHY DIDN'T you tell me????"  Lisa replied "you can be the lesbian"....to which I replied "F*CK YOU"  in the most loving way. I can still hear Carrie laughing.  (And to my many lesbian friends, please don't be offended.  I love you!) As it turned out, they were the only ones dressed up.  I was good with that.  And I DID call Lisa the next day to apologize and make sure she knew it was said in the most loving way.  We laughed AGAIN.  You can do those kinds of things with people you love.  That's what family is all about.

A few weeks after that, we went to Deerfield Beach, Fl.  Carrie, Lisa, Debbie, Rachel, Marie and me.  I knew I was staying in the room with Carrie and Debbie, and on the way down, Debbie informed me that I would be sleeping with Carrie, because she snored.  I was ok with that.  And Carrie was happy to know that she never snored when she slept with ME.  

I was hesitant to go on this trip because the covid numbers were so high in Florida.  But Donny convinced me.  Just wear your mask.  You are fully vaccinated.  You'll be fine.  You need to go.  So I did.  And I am SO glad I did.  Because little did we know at the time (just six months ago!) that this would be the last vacation with Carrie.  (Just like the trip to Cape Cod.  It was the summer after Melissa passed.2009.  It had been in the planning since the previous fall, and I didn't want to go. But they told me they were not going to give up my place.  I could decide the day before.  Which I did.  And I'm so glad on went on THAT trip. Right after we returned, Jackie was diagnosed with uterine cancer.  She passed away March 2011.  Our last trip with Jackie.)

We had a lot of fun.  Didn't have a car, so we walked everywhere.  Our hotel was on the beach.  The water was beautiful.  And it was hotter than hell. One night, we went to an Italian Restaurant.  On the sidewalk outside the restaurant there was a DJ playing a lot of dancing music.  Great for this group.  Except I wasn't up to dancing, so I took videos.  I have a great video of Carrie dancing...smiling...having a GREAT time.  I was meant to take the pictures and videos (again).  

I saw a side of Carrie on that trip that I'd never seen.  Her "Mom" side and her "Daughter" side.  She would call her sons, you could see the pride in her face and hear it in her voice when she talked to them.Oh, how she loved those boys.  And right before we left, she moved her parents out of a 3000sqft home into a 1500 sq ft apartment (independent living) Anything they couldn't let go, she moved to her house.  Herself.  She was an itty bitty little thing.  But that didn't stop her.  She was an amazing daughter.  While we were in Florida, she not only talked to her parents (this is where the patience and firmness of a kindergarten teacher came in handy) but also to the realtor.  Multiple times.  On her vacation.  She was professional with the realtor (and finally told him to wait until she got home to call again.) And patient with her parents (who were at home on different phones in different rooms.)  I was impressed.   She took care of them, and continued to enjoy her vacation.  I'm so glad SHE did.

On the way home, Carrie had a cough.  I was worried about her and she could tell.  A couple of days after we got back, she called me and told me she tested negative for covid.  School started a couple of days later and she was back to work.  

Fast forward six months.  She was back to school, right before Christmas break.  She wasn't feeling well but continued to work.  (Kettering requires masks).  She went to the hospital a couple of times and they sent her home.  Until New Years Eve.  I assume they finally admitted her because of her low oxygen levels.  

Debbie sent out updates twice daily.  Some days it seemed like she was doing better.  But once she was on a ventilator, the news just didn't seem to get better.  Her family finally decided on comfort care.  For Carrie.  Our beautiful, strong willed, vibrant, happy Cancer Survivor.  How in the world can this be happening???

When her Prass Elementary family invited us to their Celebration of Carrie's life, I was asked to speak.  This post was from my notes.

Donny and I were reminiscing about Carrie and one of the things I told him was how she loved to dance. The next morning,  on his way home from an appointment, the song OH VERY YOUNG, by Cat Stevens came on the radio.  Since Melissa, we listen to the lyrics of songs more closely. 

This made him think of Carrie.

"And though you want to last forever

You know you never will

You know you never will.

And the goodbye makes the journey harder still

Oh very young

What will you leave us this time

You're only dancing on this Earth for a short while....

***

And now you are dancing in heaven, Carrie.

You are loved and missed by SO MANY!!!

Rest in Peace.

Karaoke at Red Carpet

Carrie at Writing station/Literacy Lab

MM Christmas reunion

Me, Carrie & Marge (both gone but never forgotten!)

Melissa's Scholarship Fundraiser Oct 2009

Deerfield Beach, Summer 2021

Carrie, Deerfield Beach, VERY happy with her drink!

Carrie and Debbie, Summer 2021

Pam, Carrie, Debbie, Lisa (Josh & Brent's wedding Coco's Bistro)

Gatlinburg (Pam, Jackie, Susie,Carrie, Rachel, Debbie)

Rodney, Pam, Susie, Jackie, Carrie, Debbie, Rachel

HOT TUB! Cheers! Jackie, Pam, Susie, Carrie

MM event.  Josh, Jackie, Marge, Debbie, Carrie

Deerfield Beach. Summer 2021.  Marie, Lisa, Carrie

Happy Hour. Deerfield Beach. Lisa, Pam, Carrie, Marie, Rachel, Debbie

Saugatuck, Mich.  Carrie, Sissy, Debbie

Not really sure (I don't remember, but Carrie would!)what she is laughing about!

Saugatuck, Mich. Lake Michigan.  Pam, Marie, Rodney

Lisa, Debbie, Sissy, Josh, Carrie, Pam

Last day lunch. MM

Top Row Rick A., Missy, Sharon K, Cookie, Sharon T, Marie, Pam, Lisa, Skip, Jane, Phil

Nancy, Pam B, Todd, Debbie, Krista, Carrie (pregnant), ?, Mary M

Breast Cancer walk. 

Debbie, Pam, MissyF, Linda, SharonT, PamB, Peg, Carrie, MissyT, Karen, Andi

Carrie's class after Literacy Lab

Carrie's class. Last day of Literacy Lab. They always got me flowers.

Reading Across America celebration (for our "stop" in New Orleans we had a MardiGras)

Carrie is bottom, 2nd from left

Sightseeing in Chapel Hill, NC (after Learning Styles conference)

Josh, Pam, Carrie

Peg's 50th birthday at Tanks

Louisville trip

PamW, PamF, Rachel, Carrie,

Lisa, Debbie

MM reunion

Andi, Joanie C, Marge, Carrie

MM Christmas reunion gathering

JulieM, Carrie, Pam, Debbie, Susie, Patti D at Carmels.  Carrie's favorite place.

Carrie, Pam, Debbie, Susie

Chapel Hill, NC.  Jackie, Josh, Debbie, Carrie, Pam, Rusty

More Chapel Hill.  Debbie, Jackie, Carrie, Josh, Rusty, Pam and speaker.

Carrie at work.  Her favorite place to be.

Reading Recovery Conference. 

Jackie, Debbie, Andi, Carrie, 

Esther, Jenny, Pam B

Another MM Christmas reunion.  

Chapel Hill, NC.  Rusty, Debbie, Carrie, Josh, Jackie

(I must have taken the picture!)

Melissa's 30th birthday.

Mike, Debbie, Carrie, Jackie, Missy

(Mike, Jackie, Melissa and Carrie.  All gone....but NEVER forgotten!!!)

RIP Carrie, Mike, Jackie, and Melissa.

You are loved and missed.

Last Words

13 Years.

Two stories that I remember from that few days before she passed.  Melissa went into Hospice the first week of December for about ten days.  Then home for ten days, in time for Christmas.   Andrew was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas and she was his Godmother.  She was too sick to go, so she stayed home and I stood in for her.  That night,  her breathing was getting worse, so the Hospice nurse came Monday and said she had to go back to Hospice.  Before we left, she told me to "keep this on the DL.  I don't want anyone to know I'm going back."   She was very close to her rugby family, so we let them know.  Pauly and Elizabeth came to visit the week before she passed.

They had been dating for a LONG time, and Fort would, on occasion, say "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED???"  When they visited that day, they sat down next to her bed and Elizabeth held out her hand toward Fort and said  "We're getting married!!!"  She was so happy and told them "I'll be there!!!"

Fast forward to the summer.  I went to a medium for the first time.  One of the things he told me was that she was in Mexico. He kind of chuckled and said "She keeps saying she gets to go for free" (which is totally something she would say!)   When Donny and I listened to the CD when I got home, we were trying to figure out what that meant.  Not long after, I saw a post of Pauly and Elizabeth's wedding.

IN MEXICO.  She WAS there.

***

This story is specifically about the night before Melissa passed, and Nick.

Melissa and Nick were alike in a lot of ways. Competitive about everything.  Outgoing.  Athletic.

The difference was everything rolled off Melissa's back.  Not much bothered her.  Nick, on the other hand was very sensitive.  I remember him saying, on more than one occasion, "Melissa doesn't love me as much as I love her."  

The night before she passed, Nick, Mere and Andrew visited.  As they were leaving, Nick was standing in the doorway.  "See you in the morning, Fort.  I love you."

Melissa sat up and said "I love you, Nick."  ( I reminded him of that today.  His response? I know she loved me...you know these things when you're as close as we were."  So maybe there are stories that I don't know??? Probably.  And maybe they should stay with Nick.  I'm ok with that.)

They walked out the door, she laid down and went to sleep.  Those were her last words.  She never woke up again.  

John was on one side of her bed, I was on the other.  I remember looking at her hands, trying to memorize every freckle.  I remember thinking about how small her hands looked.  I didn't sleep much that night, and at one point watched a tear trickle down her cheek.  Was she seeing JP?  Was she dreaming about leaving us?  I wish I knew.  

Around 4:30 a.m., we got everyone in the room (Donny, John, Diana were all sleeping in the lobby at the end of the hallway).  The nurse came in a little later, put the stethoscope to her chest to listen for a heartbeat...and shook her head "No".  

Big John looked at the clock.  "5:18".

This morning, I woke up and looked at the clock.  5:18.

She hasn't visited  (my dreams) in a while. But she woke me up this morning.  I'm sure of it.

****

January 3.  The day we will forever reminisce.  I can honestly say that this is the one day that we think about her, talk about her and remember stories and share her stories.  

I was scrolling through my pictures this morning looking for pictures of me and Melissa.  They will always be pictures you've already seen.  Oh, how I wish I had new ones.    As I was scrolling I came across a picture of Maddy Westbeld and her mom.  I sent it to her.  Told her I was looking for pictures of me and Melissa, how lucky she was to have such a good relationship with her mom.  I sent her the picture of her and her mom, and a few of me and Melissa.    A little while later, I get a phone call from her mom.  I told her I would stop sending stuff to Maddy.  She said "NO.  It's ok!!!"  After I sent Maddy the pictures, and the poem that Melissa wrote about us, she sent her mom a text.  "I love you, Mom!"  Susan responded "are you ok?"  Then Maddy told her about my texts.  They are very close, but sometimes life gets busy.  We forget to let the people we love KNOW how much we love them.  In my opinion, we can't say I love you enough.

When I was telling Donny about my communication with Susan and Maddy, he had a story for me.

His softball friend, Dave Woolf, had just sent out an email to the softball team.  It was a You Tube video.  If I knew how to link it here, I would.  But you can look it up.  The Chicken Runs at Midnight.

An amazing story.  A sign from a loved one.  Donny truly believes (and I do, too) that Melissa wanted us to hear this story.  The girl in the story is a lot like Melissa.  I'll bet they are friends in heaven.  

BEST FRIENDS

Melissa went to a conference (I think in Las Vegas).  She had the opportunity to meet Gallagher. He was (is?) a comedian.  He was the opening act for Steve Martin (I think) at UD Arena awhile back.  He's the guy that breaks a watermelon with a sledge hammer on the stage.  The watermelon splatters all over everyone in the front row.  (Pretty funny if you are not in the front row!) She might have been working with me in the concession stand that night. He came through our stand, I was the cashier.  I said "Aren't you Gallager???"  He said I was the first person to recognize him.  Evidently he was sitting in the stands.

Or maybe that was part of his routine if someone recognized him.  Melissa obviously recognized him here!!

This is how I like to remember Melissa and Nick's relationship.  Always having fun!!!

On our walk this morning, Donny was talking about the morning we came home from Hospice after Melissa passed.   "Remember how we came home...and felt hopeless?  And now we are giving hope to newly bereaved parents?"  The feeling that we would never survive this.  The worst loss. And here we are, living life, continuing to share her stories and giving HOPE to others who are now walking in our shoes.  And to be perfectly honest, we really don't have to do anything but show up.  Thirteen years later, we are still here.  That alone can give someone hope.  

This one must have been when Melissa and John first started dating.  They both look so young.     

Soul Mates.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Stacy, Paulie, Melissa.  January birthdays.

And last but not least,  I close with Andrew and Max.  Fort would have it no other way.

After Melissa passed away, my coworkers at Moraine Meadows gave me a necklace with Melissa's thumbprint.  I ended up getting one for Donny, John, Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max.  They have had Andrew and Max's put away for 13 years.  A month before Christmas, Andrew told his dad he wanted to wear his Fort necklace.  We bought sturdier chains and had them soldered on the chain.  They now carry Aunt Fort with them wherever they go.  Two happy boys!!!

I love you and miss you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,  Melissa Marie.