Last Words

13 Years.

Two stories that I remember from that few days before she passed.  Melissa went into Hospice the first week of December for about ten days.  Then home for ten days, in time for Christmas.   Andrew was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas and she was his Godmother.  She was too sick to go, so she stayed home and I stood in for her.  That night,  her breathing was getting worse, so the Hospice nurse came Monday and said she had to go back to Hospice.  Before we left, she told me to "keep this on the DL.  I don't want anyone to know I'm going back."   She was very close to her rugby family, so we let them know.  Pauly and Elizabeth came to visit the week before she passed.

They had been dating for a LONG time, and Fort would, on occasion, say "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED???"  When they visited that day, they sat down next to her bed and Elizabeth held out her hand toward Fort and said  "We're getting married!!!"  She was so happy and told them "I'll be there!!!"

Fast forward to the summer.  I went to a medium for the first time.  One of the things he told me was that she was in Mexico. He kind of chuckled and said "She keeps saying she gets to go for free" (which is totally something she would say!)   When Donny and I listened to the CD when I got home, we were trying to figure out what that meant.  Not long after, I saw a post of Pauly and Elizabeth's wedding.

IN MEXICO.  She WAS there.

***

This story is specifically about the night before Melissa passed, and Nick.

Melissa and Nick were alike in a lot of ways. Competitive about everything.  Outgoing.  Athletic.

The difference was everything rolled off Melissa's back.  Not much bothered her.  Nick, on the other hand was very sensitive.  I remember him saying, on more than one occasion, "Melissa doesn't love me as much as I love her."  

The night before she passed, Nick, Mere and Andrew visited.  As they were leaving, Nick was standing in the doorway.  "See you in the morning, Fort.  I love you."

Melissa sat up and said "I love you, Nick."  ( I reminded him of that today.  His response? I know she loved me...you know these things when you're as close as we were."  So maybe there are stories that I don't know??? Probably.  And maybe they should stay with Nick.  I'm ok with that.)

They walked out the door, she laid down and went to sleep.  Those were her last words.  She never woke up again.  

John was on one side of her bed, I was on the other.  I remember looking at her hands, trying to memorize every freckle.  I remember thinking about how small her hands looked.  I didn't sleep much that night, and at one point watched a tear trickle down her cheek.  Was she seeing JP?  Was she dreaming about leaving us?  I wish I knew.  

Around 4:30 a.m., we got everyone in the room (Donny, John, Diana were all sleeping in the lobby at the end of the hallway).  The nurse came in a little later, put the stethoscope to her chest to listen for a heartbeat...and shook her head "No".  

Big John looked at the clock.  "5:18".

This morning, I woke up and looked at the clock.  5:18.

She hasn't visited  (my dreams) in a while. But she woke me up this morning.  I'm sure of it.

****

January 3.  The day we will forever reminisce.  I can honestly say that this is the one day that we think about her, talk about her and remember stories and share her stories.  

I was scrolling through my pictures this morning looking for pictures of me and Melissa.  They will always be pictures you've already seen.  Oh, how I wish I had new ones.    As I was scrolling I came across a picture of Maddy Westbeld and her mom.  I sent it to her.  Told her I was looking for pictures of me and Melissa, how lucky she was to have such a good relationship with her mom.  I sent her the picture of her and her mom, and a few of me and Melissa.    A little while later, I get a phone call from her mom.  I told her I would stop sending stuff to Maddy.  She said "NO.  It's ok!!!"  After I sent Maddy the pictures, and the poem that Melissa wrote about us, she sent her mom a text.  "I love you, Mom!"  Susan responded "are you ok?"  Then Maddy told her about my texts.  They are very close, but sometimes life gets busy.  We forget to let the people we love KNOW how much we love them.  In my opinion, we can't say I love you enough.

When I was telling Donny about my communication with Susan and Maddy, he had a story for me.

His softball friend, Dave Woolf, had just sent out an email to the softball team.  It was a You Tube video.  If I knew how to link it here, I would.  But you can look it up.  The Chicken Runs at Midnight.

An amazing story.  A sign from a loved one.  Donny truly believes (and I do, too) that Melissa wanted us to hear this story.  The girl in the story is a lot like Melissa.  I'll bet they are friends in heaven.  

BEST FRIENDS

Melissa went to a conference (I think in Las Vegas).  She had the opportunity to meet Gallagher. He was (is?) a comedian.  He was the opening act for Steve Martin (I think) at UD Arena awhile back.  He's the guy that breaks a watermelon with a sledge hammer on the stage.  The watermelon splatters all over everyone in the front row.  (Pretty funny if you are not in the front row!) She might have been working with me in the concession stand that night. He came through our stand, I was the cashier.  I said "Aren't you Gallager???"  He said I was the first person to recognize him.  Evidently he was sitting in the stands.

Or maybe that was part of his routine if someone recognized him.  Melissa obviously recognized him here!!

This is how I like to remember Melissa and Nick's relationship.  Always having fun!!!

On our walk this morning, Donny was talking about the morning we came home from Hospice after Melissa passed.   "Remember how we came home...and felt hopeless?  And now we are giving hope to newly bereaved parents?"  The feeling that we would never survive this.  The worst loss. And here we are, living life, continuing to share her stories and giving HOPE to others who are now walking in our shoes.  And to be perfectly honest, we really don't have to do anything but show up.  Thirteen years later, we are still here.  That alone can give someone hope.  

This one must have been when Melissa and John first started dating.  They both look so young.     

Soul Mates.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Stacy, Paulie, Melissa.  January birthdays.

And last but not least,  I close with Andrew and Max.  Fort would have it no other way.

After Melissa passed away, my coworkers at Moraine Meadows gave me a necklace with Melissa's thumbprint.  I ended up getting one for Donny, John, Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max.  They have had Andrew and Max's put away for 13 years.  A month before Christmas, Andrew told his dad he wanted to wear his Fort necklace.  We bought sturdier chains and had them soldered on the chain.  They now carry Aunt Fort with them wherever they go.  Two happy boys!!!

I love you and miss you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,  Melissa Marie.