Another visit from Fort!

Not to me this time...

This visit came to Paula, Nick's best friend's mom.  She knew Melissa very well.  Paula also lost a sister, and Paula is a believer in communicating with lost loved ones too.

We haven't seen Paula in a long time until recently - her granddaughter, Emily (Mike's daughter) is a cheerleader for Andrew's team.  So we've seen her at a couple of games.  But she hasn't been to our house in probably 20 years, and did not know about the importance of butterflies to us.

A couple of weeks ago, one of her sisters was cleaning out a house of a hoarder.  She gave a lot of things to Paula, which she would go through and either keep, pitch or give to AmVets.  She was putting this box on the pile for AmVets, and she suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that Melissa was there.  Then she heard Melissa say "give it to my mom.  she'll want it."  Paula did not tell her husband, her son Mike or anyone.  She really felt like they would all think she was crazy.  But she knew she wanted to get it to me - and she knew she would see us at the football game.

So she comes over, hands me this bag with a box in it and says "I have no idea why, but Melissa wanted me to give this to you..."

When I opened it, she said "Does it mean anything to you?"

Of course, if you've been to our house (and Paula hasn't for a LONG time) you would know that there are butterflys everywhere here.  Even in our backyard - several solar butterflies surrounding the backyard.  She had no idea.

I have no doubt that Melissa visited Paula and told her to give them to me...because Melissa would KNOW that I would know it was her!  

She comes through pretty strong still.  

We couldn't be happier....a great way to start an otherwise dreary Saturday - Andrew's team wins and we get a gift from Melissa.  

It's going to be a great weekend!

October...a bittersweet month

Just checked in on FB and saw that Jen "Smitty", one of Fort's rugby coaches shared the link for the article from the Dayton Daily News that was written about Melissa for Breast Cancer Awareness month after she passed away.  Since the blog address is at the end of the article, thought it was time to post again.

I'm not as good about updating as Melissa was, but this is a good time to post - being Breast Cancer Awareness Month...JP's birthday month, and  my sister Sue's birthday (Melissa's Godmother).

October is bittersweet.  I love it and I hate it.

I love it  because I love the change of seasons.  I love the smells, the colors, football, rugby.

I hate it because I hate the change of seasons...another season without Melissa.  She loved the fall.  It was her favorite season.  She loved the colors, the smells, rugby.  She loved anything pumpkin spice...coffee, candles, food.  She should be here enjoying it with me.  I should be celebrating my grandson's birthday...and my sister's birthday.  WITH them.

But my sadness doesn't keep me from enjoying life.  I keep that sadness inside (although I do share a fair amount of articles on losing a child, which might lead some to believe that's all I think about).  Don't get me wrong.  I DO think about her every day.  After almost seven years, I smile more about her life.  I try not to think about her death.

I love that her friends still remember.  The Kelts still have the annual Breast Cancer fundraiser.

Curt, ?, John

I love that the green FORT shirt is still out there!

Kat (former teammate of Fort's), Donny, Chris, me

me & Angie (former teammate of Fort's)

Donny & (forget his name :(  - he's a new Kelt - 2009.  Never knew Fort, but knows all about her!

Me & Melissa at a Kelt's fundraiser.  This was the week before we did the 3 Day, 60 mile walk in Atlanta!

Melissa & Pauly - he organized the first fundraisers.

Donny, Netti (former teammate of Forts-organized the most recent fundraisers!) and me

I love that her friends still share her story - Jen "Smitty" shared the article on Facebook today.  Then one of her best friends from high school - Josh - shared it too.

Melissa & Josh 

Her nephews, Andrew & Max remember her too.  They made posters about Aunt Fort for the Sprinboro Panther's Breast Cancer Awareness Walk...

If you read the article I posted "The Seven Things I've Learned Since the Loss of My Child".

# 7 was about how we enjoy life even more now because we understand how short life is.  

You might not think that, but Donny & I DO find enjoyment in life - with our grandsons, Nick & Mere, traveling, and with old friends who hung with us and new friends we've found through Compassionate Friends.  Life is different.  We struggle every day with the fact that our daughter is not here (and WE WILL see her again someday-we look forward to THAT!), but we are living our life the best we can.  I struggle with the fact that I don't have my daughter to talk to...to call when I want to talk to her...to go on Mother Daughter weekends like we used to.  I MISS HER.  And I also remember that I have my son to talk to, and spend time with, which we do daily.  

We travel-just went to Myrtle Beach for five days - Donny was in a softball tournament.

Spend time with my grandsons - (every time I have them, we go on a field trip!)

I think Melissa would be proud.  She would be proud of her nephews.  She would be proud of her brother.  She would be proud of her friends... We all find a way to keep living and remember her in the process.  I think she would be proud of me & her dad too.  It's hard to live this life when all you want to do is remember, but you have to live on.  There is no other choice.  

One more thing, I want to remember my sister Sue.  Tomorrow would be her 55th birthday.  She was Melissa's Godmother.  I miss her every day too - she was my rock after Melissa died.  She called me EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I miss that too.  

Happy Birthday Sue.  You will always be remembered!  I LOVE YOU!

Sue & Melissa 

Sue on her 50th birthday.

Melissa & Aunt Sue

Melissa with Sue at her college graduation

Me & Sue.  All smiles.

Melissa - all smiles

Had to add this one too - Mere, Melissa & me.  Melissa LOVED Mere.  That's why Nick married her. I'm not kidding.  Melissa had to give her approval. Oh the stories I can tell about THAT.

***

One more thing I want to add here.  If you haven't had your shingles vaccine, get it.  Even before you are 60.  One in three people will get shingles.  I am one in three.  Found out two days before we went to Myrtle Beach that I have them.  The rash came the day after I found out - fortunately my doctor wrote me a prescription for an anti-viral med.  That helped with the rash, but not the pain.  It is nerve pain...hard to describe, but VERY painful.  Finally got a pain med to help me sleep.  I'm functioning, but with a lot of pain.

As soon as I'm over this, I'm getting the vaccine - because you can get it again.  That is NOT happening if I have anything to do with it!  

Take care of yourself, enjoy every minute of every day, and get the shingles vaccine!

Love you, miss you Fort.  Every minute of every day.

Happy Birthday JP!

Dear Melissa,
I promised you that we would always remember JP's birthday.  So today, I stopped by the cemetery and sang Happy Birthday to him and left him a Happy Birthday Balloon...and all I could think of was "we should be celebrating his 12th birthday.  With his mom and his dad and Nick and Mere and Andrew & Max. "  I will never understand.  But one thing I know-you get to celebrate with your son. Somehow that is comforting to me.  Doesn't make me miss you any less though.  I love you and miss you both more than you will ever know.

Love,
Mom & Dad

Dear JP,

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday JP, Happy Birthday to you!!!!

How I wish you were here.  We were talking to my cousin Greg the other day - his 12 year old son was refereeing a soccer game - all I could think was "JP would be 12.  Would he be playing soccer? Who would he look like? "  I know you would be smart and funny.  Just like your mom and dad.
I remember the day you were born...we were so excited for your arrival.  Just didn't expect you that early.  You were beautiful.  Dark hair, all your fingers and all your toes.  I got to hold you and tell you I loved you.  You were so tiny.

You probably know this, but every year I remember (to my kids and grandkids) the story of the day they were born.  Because those are the days I will never forget.

How I wish you were here.  I promised your mom that we would always remember your birthday. And we will always remember you.

We love you JP.  Happy 12th Birthday - I know you and your mom are celebrating in heaven.

Love,
Pamma and Pop Pop

Think when you PINK

 Well, here we are again...closing in on October.  Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  While I am thankful that there is a whole month dedicated to bringing awareness to breast cancer, it is a difficult month.  Another reminder that my daughter did not survive this dreadful disease.

Andrew plays football in Springboro for the Wee Panthers.  I like what they are doing.  Instead of just handing out pink "stuff" for the kids to wear this month, they are having a Think When You PINK walk.  Both the Wee Football and Cheerleaders will organize at the high school football field and do two laps - the first a quiet lap in reflection of those fighting the disease and those who lost the battle, and a second lap in celebration of the hope.  They have chosen to bring awareness to these kids of WHY we wear pink in October.  Why you see PINK everywhere you go in October.  Andrew & Max understand...we talk about it all of the time.  I really like this idea.  We donated pink FORT bracelets to Andrew's team and coaches.

And before I forget,  THANK YOU Laura (Lulu - high school friend of Melissa's) for sharing Melissa's story and selling FORT bracelets at the Wee Firebirds games today.  We will LOVE seeing kids in Kettering wearing their bracelets!

While I am all for bringing awareness to breast cancer...I think the majority of women know that they should do regular breast checks and when to start getting mammograms.  A lot of money goes into bringing awareness to breast cancer.  They've done a good job of that.   It's time to start funneling some money to research for METASTATIC Breast Cancer.  Women (& men) do not die of cancer of the breast.  If breast cancer is caught early, you can survive breast cancer.  My mother in law is one of those survivors!!!  You WILL die of breast cancer if it metastasizes to other organs.  THAT is where the research needs to be.  How can we treat metastatic disease so those who are diagnosed can LIVE with the disease.    When Melissa was diagnosed, the cancer was in 9 of 19 lymph nodes.  It was on it's way to spreading to other organs....

Off my soapbox.

I worked with Andrew & Max today making signs to carry at the Think when you PINK event.

These were the practice signs...

Max's sign ^

Andrew's sign ^

Had a busy weekend with the boys - 

a couple of games of checkers...

a visit to Windmill Farm

a hayride...

a couple of pumpkins...

they are growing!  This is becoming a tradition!

I think Andrew will be taller than me next year...and he's only in second grade!

Kept them busy - and made mommy & daddy happy!

Funny story - at Andrew's football game yesterday, Max was sitting next to Mere's brother,

Brad.  The cheerleaders were throwing wrapped candy, and of course Max got some each time they threw it up in the stands.  Here is the conversation between Max & Uncle Brad...

Uncle Brad: "Max.  Did you have lunch today?"

Max: "No."

Uncle Brad:  "Why are you eating so much candy?"

Max:  "Because I didn't have any lunch."

Duh.

Just to clear things up,  according to Mere, he DID have lunch.  Max tends to forget things occasionally.  And to be honest, he just didn't see what was wrong with eating candy for lunch.

Oh to be six again.

And Andrew.

When he woke up this morning, as soon as he opened his eyes he said "Pamma.  Aunt Fort was in my dream last night.  She gave me a hug and a kiss and she told me she loved me.  Then she disappeared into thin air."

Interesting thing, I heard Andrew laughing out loud in his sleep.  He wasn't awake.  He was asleep.  And laughing.  Wonder if Aunt Fort was tickling him before she hugged him?  

It was a good weekend for the beginning of a tough month.  

Wear your pink, and don't forget, THINK WHEN YOU PINK!

Fall(ing)

Sitting here on a beautiful Sunday morning.  Just finished reading the paper, waiting for Donny to get home from the softball tournament.  He's been in Dalton, Ga. since Wednesday.  Talked to him every day...he's really enjoying it.  They did really well, played their last game this morning.  Lost in the semi-finals.  Found out after the game he was selected to be on the All-American team.  He had 21 hits in 4 games, only 5 outs in nine games.  So proud of him.  And so happy that he finally did something like this.  He has never taken a trip with a bunch of guys like this.  I have taken multiple trips with friends in the past.  He really needed this.

So why this post today?  I don't think many people read this any more, so it's a safe place for me to go.

Might be difficult for some to understand, especially since it's coming up on seven years.  I feel like I am spiraling downward.  It's like this every fall...Melissa's favorite season. Used to be mine too.  But now all I do is dread what is coming.  Starting with the leaves changing colors...who would think that would bring on such sadness.  Never used to.  Now it's just a reminder of what used to be.  I remember how much Melissa loved the falls scents.  She had so many fall candles burning in her house I was afraid she would burn it down!  And the colors.  The browns, golds, reds...she loved decorating in the fall.  I mean, look at the picture on this blog, she LOVED LOVED LOVED the fall.  And all I can do is sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to appreciate this wonderful season.

Then we have October.  The 19th would be John Patrick (JP's) 12th birthday.  And we'll celebrate that, but without him.  Again.  The 30th is my sister Sue's birthday.  She would be 55.  And I'll celebrate that too.  Without her.  And the fact that it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month...UGH.  The one good thing that happens in October? The Kelts remember Melissa with a Breast Cancer Fundraiser.  Oct 17 this year.  We always go (except for last year, first one we missed-we were in California) and will never miss another one

And then the holidays begin.  And I fall apart.

I am so good in the spring and summer.  This time of year suffocates me.

The last four days, home alone.  I should have called someone and made plans to do SOMETHING.  But I have a hard time reaching out.  Really?  I have a hard time talking to anyone about how I am feeling.   I realize how hard it is for the people I love and who love me to see me like this.  So I put on a smile, and everything is ok.  Not really.

Started a clean eating program - good for a week.  Thanks to Mere & Nick.  It's helping.  And started a Yoga class last week.  Love that too.

Just in a funk and needed to get it out...have you ever gone a few days and not physically talked to someone?  Facebook does that to you. It's not good for you.

So, for today, I'm trying to motivate myself to take my 4 mile walk...then maybe pick up the kids and do something fun.  Get my mind off...what?  Melissa?  I don't know.

If only for a while, I'll do something that makes me smile.

It's the best I can do.

Call me when you get home...

Just saw this post on Facebook.  It was one of those Minion posters.  It said "I'm one of those "call when you get home so I know you're safe" kind of person.

This story is a little long to post there, so here I am.

When Melissa moved out, any time she would come home to visit, when she was getting ready to leave I would say "call when you get home so I know you got there ok.", especially if she was alone. She was pretty good about calling especially after she moved to Cincinnati.  (I guess I didn't worry as much about Nick -  thought he was big enough to take care of himself!)

Fast forward to January 2009.

A couple of weeks after she passed away, we got a call from Judy and Bob (my cousin and her husband).  They called to tell us about a dream their daughter in law had the morning Melissa passed away.  Melissa was in her dream - she introduced herself to Candy - they had only met one time at our family reunion at Dick & Beck's.  Must have been around 1999-2000.  She asked Candy to "tell my mom and dad I'm ok".

We always told Melissa to call when she got home.  Well, we got the ULTIMATE call when she got home.  She wanted us to know she was ok.

She always was good about letting us know she was okay, and we really needed THAT call!

Missing those phone calls and visits more every day...

in D.C. for the Cherry Blossom Festival

last fall together...at Oktoberfest in Cincinnati with the Naked Cowboy.

No idea what was coming in a couple of weeks...

Miss you so much Melissa....

Missing my little girl...

Seems a little silly, I think.  The "headline" leads you to believe that I'm missing my little girl today.  But really, it's EVERY day.  Some days it just hits me harder that she's really gone.

Like yesterday.  Donny wanted to go shopping at Kohls.  I didn't really need anything but went anyway.  He went his way, I went mine.  Picked a few things out to try on and headed to the dressing room.

While I was trying on the few things in my cart, I could hear a mom and her daughter.  "What do you think?"  "How does this look?"  "What about this color?"  "Your dad said we could only spend so much..."

And here I was.  Wondering if the color looked right.  Wondering how it looked.  Wondering what Melissa would think.

The last time I went shopping with Melissa was my last birthday with her.  August of 2008.  I was looking at jewelry and was trying on a ring.  Costume jewelry, but it kind of looked like an engagement ring.  She said "Do you want it for your birthday?"  "Sure!"  So she bought it for me, and said "you know this means we're engaged now!"  And I was ok with that.  We laughed...it was SO nice to have my daughter with me...and Mere was with us too.  I also remember that she wasn't feeling well.  Even then.  I knew something was wrong.  As we walked around the store, she kept sitting down.  She was getting tired easily.  I think even then her breathing wasn't right.  Damn cancer.

At the Compassionate Friends conference in Dallas in July, they had a session Thursday night for "Daughterless Mothers".  I had someone recently tell me they were a daughterless mother too, because they didn't have a daughter.  Didn't "birth" a daughter.  There is a big difference.  Never having had a daughter, you unfortunately wouldn't know that kind of relationship.  So there's no reason to compare.  There were 12 mothers in this session.    Several lost their daughters to "no known cause".  One lost her daughter, her only child.  Another mom accidentally ran over her daughter...she still has 3 sons.  It was an interesting sharing session.  We all got to tell our stories and our experiences since we lost our only daughters.   Somehow it is helpful knowing you are not alone.

However, every daughter has had a mother.  Not all have good relationships, but most of my friends do (or did) have good relationships with their mothers.  In fact, the bereaved mothers I know who have lost their mothers?  For some of them, that loss was the next greatest loss.   Their mother was their best friend.  When they became adults they became friends too.  They went shopping together, lunches.  Dinners.  Advice.  Someone who loved you unconditionally.

My mom loved me unconditionally.  I know that.  But I never had any of that other mother/daughter stuff.  After my brother Steve died, my mom changed.  It was right about the time my mom and I were becoming friends.   She was lost in a world of grief.  I never understood that.  She didn't go shopping with me for my wedding dress.  She didn't help with my wedding planning.  She would send my dad with me if I needed help.  Even years later, I would ask my mom if she wanted to go shopping or go to lunch.  Always "no".  Not until she had dementia and I took her to get her nails done once, did we go to lunch together.  She was a prisoner in my car.  I just told her "we're going to lunch."  She couldn't say no.

I never understood, but I KNEW that I wanted a relationship with my daughter that I never had with my own mom.  And we did.  Shopping together.  I'd driving to Cincinnati to meet her for lunch when she was working at UC.  She invited me to do things with her friends.

Then I lost her.  And I understood why my mom did what she did.  She couldn't focus.  She was grieving.  And when she could focus, it went to my sister Sue who needed her.  Sue and Mom had that relationship that I wanted.  But I had Donny.  And I guess it was too overwhelming for my mom to focus on more than one of us.  I understand that now.

So when I lost my mom, I didn't feel that great sense of loss that a lot of my friends feel when their mom's die.  I loved my mom and I know she loved me.  But the depth of your relationship has a lot to do with how you grieve that loss.  My life was pretty much the same after my mom died.

But Melissa?  The depth of our relationship was eternal.  I will never stop missing her.  And little things like hearing a mom and daughter in a dressing room bring the emotions to the surface.
It's the same way at Christmas time.  I used to love shopping.  Now all I see in the malls are mothers and daughters laughing and loving and enjoying each others company.

I don't even know how to dress myself anymore.  Melissa was not the fashion expert, but she knew what was in style (even if she didn't wear it!) and she would tell me if what I was wearing was ok. Even if it wasn't verbally...she had this look that told me.  Sometimes just a roll of her eyes.  How I miss that...

This rant is not to lessen the relationship that I have with my son.  If you have a son(s), then you know that those relationships are different.  I have a great relationship with Nick.  But he has his wife.  And her family now.  It's just different.

I am blessed that I have a wonderful husband who knows exactly what I am feeling when it comes to Melissa.  He is right there too.  He misses her like I miss her.

I have a great son and daughter in law.  And grandsons.  I NEVER forget that.

 I will NEVER forget my daughter and I will forever miss what I had with her.  I want her back.  I want my old life back.

But I work every day to enjoy what I do have.  My husband, son, grandsons.  Great friends.

Some days just bring it all back to me.  And I have to get through those days too.

And of course, I can never end a post without pictures of Andrew & Max.  She would be so in love with them.  They love their Aunt Fort.  I wish they could have known her like we do.

Max & Andrew at the Dragons game

Andrew.  Farmer boy.

Max.  Ditto.

Racing on the big slide.  

***

Love you Melissa.  Missing you terribly today.  And always.