Happiness Comes in Waves

If you get bored with pictures, you might want to skip this post.

We've had an incredibly busy month.  After the month of May, when I was really struggling, I needed to keep busy.  July took care of that!

We started the month with a vacation with Nick, Mere, Andrew and Max.  Our second consecutive family vacation.  Marco Island.  We stayed in a condo owned by one of Melissa's best friends...and we all got along - for an entire week!

First day walk on the beach.  Donny and I continued the walks, early in the morning every day. We're retired - they were on vacation!  We all did whatever made us happy!

My boys...Max, Andrew, Nick, Donny

Nick, Max, Mere, Andrew

Dinner out.  Mexican, my favorite.

And ice cream to follow.

Max wanted to be the Statue of Liberty.

I bought them each something to take home.  Max wanted a Pug.  This is the best kind to have!

Andrew.  Take the "L"

Sunset

Two of my favorite people!

Stacy and Casey took us to their favorite place - a (semi) private beach.

Max andMia

Andrew

Our own little beach!

The girls 

Happy Hour

Fourth of July on the beach.  Packed that day!

Casey, Nick, Mere, Stacy

Andrew teaching the girls how to dive (he just learned that morning!)

Max playing frisby with Joseph.

Max, Andrew, Mia, Emma

Max and Joseph.  Joseph is autistic.  He was with his family from Miami.  Max and Joseph made a connection.  Max was so compassionate.  I was so proud of him.

Another sunset.

Cathy, Tony, Emma and Mia, our new friends from Canada.

Family photo 

Of course Fort was there...

Last night on the beach.

We had a great time in Marco Island.  The week went fast.  It was relaxing (I think) for Nick and Mere, and Donny and I got our walks in every day.  Lots of beach time.  Found a great restaurant - Lee Bee - the menu was simple-whatever they caught that day!  The first time we went it was grouper and snapper.  Fried, grilled, blackened.  Platter, basket or tacos.  You watched the cook prepare your dinner.  It was awesome.  Nick's ALL TIME favorite restaurant.  Kids loved it too!  

We drove home - stopped in Alabama again to visit Karen and Charley (my high school friends) on their farm!  Another great visit!

Karen, Charley, me, Donny

Southern Caribbean Cruise

Got home on Monday, (fortunately we had a washer and dryer in the condo in Marco Island)-because we unpacked for only a couple of days!  Left Friday for an eight day cruise to the southern Caribbean.  

Met Mange and Mary, our cruise buddies for the last 5 cruises, in Columbus.  Flew into Ft. Lauderdale.

We always looks for signs from our girls - we got our first signs in the airport!

We were headed to pick up our luggage.  Mary walked past this guy who said hello.  She stopped and they both turned around and realized they KNEW each other!  He was Courtney's first tennis coach (when she was in elementary school).  If you've read the blog before, you know that Mange and Mary's daughter Courtney died of ovarian cancer in 2011.  She was 27.  And a LOT like Melissa.  Athletic, lots of friends, and a fighter.  So running into Courtney's coach was a pretty big sign.  We stopped, talked, took pictures.  (another interesting side note - he was there with his son who is a tennis player as well.  He goes to New Albany, outside of Columbus.  The Athletic Director at his high school is a friend of Nick's from high school!  Small world!)  So anyway, after talking for several minutes - we turned around and were just flabbergasted that they ran into this guy.  As soon as we turned to go to baggage claim, on the floor in front of us was a butterfly - painted on the floor. Our sign from Melissa!  (we covered a lot of area in the Ft. Lauderdale airport, and didn't see a butterfly painted on the floor anywhere else!!!)  Both our girls were there.  Great way to start our trip!

So we head to Miami, where we will spend the night before we board the ship.  Hilton Downtown Miami.  Beautiful.  Dinner, drinks by the pool.  

We wanted to get to the port early, so talked to the concierge about transportation.  Of course he recommended Uber, which neither of us knew anything about.  He was very helpful...told me to get the app and he would walk me through it.  I finally belong in the 21st century.  I have UBER!!!!  We were impressed.  Called, our ride was there within minutes - five minutes to the port.  It was awesome.  So we get on the ship, head to the top deck for drinks...when Mary STOPS in her tracks and says "Oh My God.  I left all my money in the safe in the hotel!!!"  (all her cash for the ENTIRE week!!!)  Mary is the planner of all the trips we go on.    I am so much better under pressure.  Figure things out on the spot.  Since I had Uber (now), I would go with her back to the hotel.

This ship (the Carnival Vista) had just disembarked 5000 people.  5000 more were checking in. And Mary and I were running in the opposite direction.  To get OFF the ship.  First thing we had to do was go to our Staterooms (which weren't ready yet) and get our Sign and Sale cards (which you use for everything on the ship - drinks, shopping, casino, and its a key to get in your room!) then we had to go through Security AGAIN.  Finally got off the ship - called UBER.  Two minutes later we were in the car trying to explain the situation.  And our driver didn't speak English.  He knew "OK" and "I don't speak English".  So we talked LOUDER and slooooowwwwweerrrrr....and he still didn't understand.  But he knew where we needed to go, and when we got there, I just didn't get out of the car.  Security at the hotel was waiting for Mary - took her up to their room and THANK GOD the money was in the safe!  We were back on the ship in less than an hour.  And Donny and Mange were waiting at the door for us.  

FINALLY!  Back on the ship...CHEERS!!!

Out of the 5000 checking in, 1400 were kids.  It was a busy ship.  Met some wonderful people from all over the country.  And if you've never been on a cruise ship, the majority of the people who work on the ship are NOT American.  A lot of people from Asia.  Hardest working people you'll ever meet.  And they ALL know English.  Or enough to be friendly and helpful.  And if they are waiting on your table or cleaning your room, they introduce themselves and REMEMBER your name.  Every time they see you.  No matter where it is on the ship.  It's amazing.  

The food was great.  Too much.   I told Donny it's a floating Golden Coral.  Only with great food.  Seems like the portions at dinner are getting bigger.  I didn't like that - I guess they are Americanizing the portions.  Americans eat too much.  But on the ship, they want you happy.  And they want you to drink (because you're not driving, so it's OK).  We really didn't see anyone who overindulged, but we were never up very late because we were up so early every day.  We walked the track every day (Donny averaged 6 miles a day!)  I only remember taking the elevator one time.  We walked the steps all the time.  We were on the 9th floor.  Went anywhere from the 3rd floor to the 14th!  Lots of walking.  Our hall was 3 football fields long - Donny, a former football official, paced it off.  I walked the halls instead of the track because it was air conditioned!  Work smarter - not harder!  

Our cruise buddies!

Our ports of call...

GRAND TURK

Off the ship straight into a shop.    First thing I see is this T-Shirt

Wow.  We always talk about grief, how it comes in waves (sometimes tsunamis!).  This shirt reminded me that HAPPINESS comes in waves too.  I really wanted this shirt, but of course they only had smalls, so I took a picture instead.  We had a tsunami of fun on this trip!

We've been to Grand Turk before - it's where I had my first massage on a beach!  And whadda you know!  It's still there!

 This is Mary & Mange - they went first...

Waiting for my massage!

Made some new friends at Margaritaville from NJ!

The pool at Margaritaville.  We were off the ship at 8:30 a.m. (had to be back on at 1:30)

Margarita's at the pool bar at 9 a.m.  Crazy.

Ran into our Cruise Director Adam too! (he was awesome!)

Dominican Republic

Got off the ship just to walk around the shops - then right back on.  

These little fish eat the dead skin off your feet.  EWWWWW.  No this is not me.

Off the ship to get a picture!

and another...

and another...

CURACAO

Off the ship to shop and head to the beach for a couple of hours!  Lots of things to do in Curacao..

There was a ship regatta going by when we got into port!

Looking off the ship at Curacao.

Donny found a place to rest his weary head...

All we saw was FORT.

Mange & Mary

Donny...who KNEW he was a shopper!

Can you find Mange in the crowd?

Was leaning over a railing and saw these guys...

The shoppers...

Finally on the beach and Mary is already planning the NEXT day!

A billboard in Curacao.  Donny's mom is a RADO!

Donny almost stepped on this guy!

A heart of locks.

The beach we went to!

On the ride to the beach, we learned a lot from our cab driver.  All about Curacao and the fact that citizens of Curacao learn FOUR languages.  English being one of them.  Interesting, in our country we expect everyone to learn OUR language, in other countries they welcome many languages...even learn to speak them!  Very welcoming.

ARUBA

Our favorite port on this cruise.  Shopping again first, then on to Eagle Beach.  

Mary found a spot with WIFI!

FUN on the ship!

White Night! An oldies party.  We fit right in!

towel art

The only sunrise we actually got up for.  And we got a HEART from Fort to boot!

more towel art

Not "our" pool - this one was too crowded!

Donny rode these slides!

our pool!

I got serenaded!

The SkyRide.  Got in line because it was the shortest line of the trip, and found out I couldn't wear flip flops, so I wore Donny's shoes.

The sky ride - goes out over the edge of the ship.  You pedal your way around.

Fun fun fun!!!!

Im in this photo by the pool!

Donny and his fru fru drink.

One of the actors in the show hitting' on my husband!

More fun

Went to see a movie in the IMAX!

Great cruise.   Got off the ship and headed back to Ft. Lauderdale for the night.

Ft. Lauderdale

We got about 20 minutes on the beach.  Donny and I walked for about 10 minutes, then came back and fell asleep on our chairs...only to wake up getting rained on.  A DOWNPOUR followed!

Dinner (I mean DRINKS)

Out shopping again.

The Elbo Room

Decorated palm trees

You want to travel with Mary.  She can get you upgrades (we were upgraded to Suites because she told them we were celebrating our anniversaries!)  Then they brought 2 bottles of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to our room!!!

Last morning by the pool.  That night we were back home in OHIO.

Not ready to go home.

In 1981, we stayed in this hotel.  I think it's a Marriott now.  It was a Stouffers then.  Donny had to go to Ft. Lauderdale to work, so he took the three of us along.  Melissa was 3 Nick was 1. I spent two weeks by the pool.  Met two couples who found a way to get us on an Aircraft Carrier (the Independence) that was in port.  

Ft. Lauderdale Beach.

HOME SWEET HOME

For two days.  Then on to St. Louis for the Compassionate Friends Conference.  I'll post

those pics on FB.

Left St. Louis on Sunday after the Walk to Remember.  Got a call that Dad was going to the Hospital. That's where I am now updating the blog.  He was doing okay this morning...not so good tonight.  I'm staying overnight with him.  Nurse just came in to take his BP, (it's been high) and it hurt and he was yelling at her to take it off.  I told him to hold my hand til she took it off...so he did...and then he kissed my hand.  He can be SO sweet sometimes.  Then he tried to get out of bed.  He's a little confused about where he is.  I told him I'd sing to him. So I started singing "Rock-a-bye-Baby" and he yawned...Now he's asleep.  My singing puts the boys right to sleep too.  Hope it lasts.

Good night.  Sleep tight.

Today Was A Good Day

For the last ten years, (I thought) summers were easier than the winter months.  I've realized recently that is not true.  My last couple posts (two of which I deleted) have been, well, not very positive.

I struggle with depression and anxiety, like a lot of people.  I KNOW I am not alone.  However, you really are alone when the depression hits because it's really difficult to reach out when you are feeling this way.

It's been a roller coaster the last month.  A couple of good days, several bad days, a couple of good days.  

Today I'm struggling.  Didn't want to get out of bed.  

Donny is playing softball, so it would have been easy to just go back to bed.  But I decided to do some purging.  Get rid of some things and get at least ONE thing organized.

As I was going through things, I came across a letter from my mom.  It was a rough draft of a letter she never gave me (we found it after she passed away).  My mom did rough drafts of EVERYTHING.  If she was going to make a phone call, she would write down everything she was going to say before she made the call, to be sure she wouldn't forget anything.  Then she'd write the name of the person she talked to, the date and the time.  I do the same thing.  

Anyway, I needed this letter today.  My mom and I didn't have the best relationship...the kind I wanted anyway (the kind I had with Melissa).  Sometimes I wasn't sure how she even felt about me. Without details from the letter, I'll just say that my mom had a hard time verbalizing how she felt about me.  She wrote the letter and never gave it to me.  But I found it, and it helps.  Especially today.

As I was going through things, my phone beeped.  I had a message.  It was from a friend who just said "I hope you have a great day today" with lots of happy emoji's (we message each other a lot with happy emoji's).  Made me smile.  I needed THAT too.

I found something that I thought was lost.  Needs to be filed with important papers.

That made me smile.

Then I found this.  I have no idea who gave it to me or where I got it, but I think it was from one of the Compassionate Friends Conferences:

Today was the absolute worst day ever

And don't try to convince me that

There's something good in every day

Because, when you take a closer look,

This world is a pretty evil place.

Even if

Some goodness does shine through once in a while

Satisfaction and happiness don't last.

And it's not true that

It's all in the mind and heart

Because

True Happiness can be obtained

Only if one's surroundings are good

It's not true that good exists

I'm sure you can agree that

The reality

Creates  

My attitude

It's beyond my control

And you'll never in a million years hear me say that

Today was a good day.

NOW.  Reread this from the bottom up.

***

So today did not start off well.  But it's getting better.

One minute at a time.

I hope YOU have a great day.

Life Lesson #2

I've had a little time to think about the anonymous letter I received today.  I've consulted a couple of experts (Donny, Nick and my best friend Jennifer, who has also lost a child.)

I've decided to respond to your letter since you decided to send it anonymously.

Since you are a "follower of the B POSITIVE Blog" I assume you know me.  You also know my address.  You state you sent this "in the mode of friendship and caring".

First of all, I find that a little amusing since you didn't sign your name.  I also find it interesting that you typed the letter.  (It's kind of one of those letters that you'd get with cut out letters out of a magazine).

My first inclination was that this was from someone who was concerned about me.   I will admit, my post WAS sad.  I WAS depressed.  It was Mother's Day Weekend.  AND my mom's birthday weekend.  (The next weekend was the 11th anniversary of my mother's death.)

I decided that it was OK to post how I was feeling.  YEP.  I want to be with Melissa.  Doesn't EVERY mother want to be with their child on Mother's Day???  Maybe it was my wording.  "I am SO ready to be with Melissa."

At Compassionate Friends Meetings, we can say that and NOT be judged.  We ALL want to be with out child.  EVERY day.  

You chose to judge my wording by telling me "It seems like the rest of your family doesn't matter at all to you".  This is the part I talked to my son and my husband about.  Nope.  They didn't agree.
My whole life for the past 10 years has been about my husband, son, and grandsons.  I have pretty much abandoned my friends to spend time with my family.  Ask any of my friends.  You also said "I would be so hurt if I read that from my mom/grandma).  "You need to spend your remaining days spoiling your Dad, her brother and her nephews."

While I assumed that you know me (because you know my address), they both agreed that you don't know me AT ALL.  That's all I have done for the last 10 year.  Every Christmas I make a book for my Grandsons.  It's pictures of everything we do together all year.  It's their favorite gift.  My husband and son don't feel slighted by me at all.

You also reminded me how fortunate I am that we get signs from Melissa.  You must know that from reading the blog.   And "how fortunate I am that many people and organizations are actively  and successfully keeping Melissa's memory alive."  I believe that every year I thank the KELTS for remembering and honoring Melissa at the Breast Cancer Fundraiser.  We love them and appreciate them and I believe they know that.  "Find peace and comfort in her ongoing memory and the charitable donations her memory generates.  That should be rewarding to you."

Did I say it wasn't????

"You have experienced great loss in the last 10 years.  Melissa entitled her blog B POSITIVE and she found something positive in everything she experienced."

You were very concerned when I wrote "I am totally overwhelmed and sad. "  Yep.  I was.  Ten Mother's Days without my daughter. (Oh yes, you reminded me that I had 20+ years WITH her.)
Do you think I FORGOT that????  I don't need that reminder.  It took me awhile but I eventually got to the point where I try to remember her LIFE and not her DEATH.  I have made a lot of progress.

"Melissa would be the first one to tell you to get professional help to deal with your feelings so you can B POSITIVE."  How do YOU know what Melissa thinks???  And just to be clear, I DID get professional help.  Twice.  First time, the therapist fell asleep while I was talking about Melissa.  That's when I started going to Compassionate Friends (I am the Chapter Librarian now).  Some of our closest friends we met through TCF.  We go to the National Conference every summer.  TCF saved my life.  And we have lifelong friends through TCF now.
I received a letter like this several years ago, I saw a therapist a second time about that letter.  She really helped me.  She has since retired.  I don't know if you've ever gone to a therapist, but it 's not easy finding one that works.  And takes your insurance.  I choose Compassionate Friends over a therapist now.

I ended my post with "Don't ever take what you have for granted."  That was advice that I felt I could give because I lived it.  I DON'T take what I have for granted.  My entire life now is dedicated to my family.  You might think you know me, but you don't.  But you felt like you could tell me "YOU ARE taking what you have for granted."  That hurt.

You also said "You are choosing to let your losses influence and override the good things you have in your life.  You have failed to B POSITIVE."

I told my husband, my son and my friend Jennifer that THAT was what hurt the most.
Let me ask YOU, anonymous letter writer.  Did you know that I (with the help of a lot of other people)organized a fund raiser for Melissa's scholarship that raised $24,000?  That I have done a 3 day 60 mile walk for Breast Cancer 3 times?  Three half marathons for Breast Cancer? Multiple 5Ks for breast cancer?  I talk about my daughter every chance I get.

You also reminded me that "life is not easy for any of us.  Things don't turn out the way you planned or the way you think they should.  No one lives forever.  Life goes on.  We cannot control what life deals us, but we can control how we react to it. Don't let your grief continue to consume your entire family.  It is time to take some serious steps to B POSITIVE."

No signature.  That says it ALL.

If you KNOW me, you would have called.  It took me a couple of hours to think about this, talk to Donny, Nick and Jennifer.  They are all angry.

I pulled your crumpled letter out of the trash after I decided to respond to it.

Your intentions were good.  Your approach was hurtful and insensitive.  I'm guessing you will not call, since you chose to type the envelope and the letter, you don't want me to know WHO you are.

I chose to respond to your letter here because I was thinking about Melissa.  She too received an anonymous response to a post she made once.  I believe it was the post about the Rubi Girls fundraiser for her.  She had a beer in her hand in the pictures.  The annonymous responder chose to judge Melissa for her decision to drink.  I guess.

My daughter lived EVERY day to the fullest.  Yes, she had some alcohol when she was on chemo.
She went Cabrewing after she had her mastectomy while she had drains in (much to my chagrin).
She knew what was coming.  And she was going to enjoy every minute of her life.
She played rugby just a few months before she passed away.  She came to see me play sand volleyball in September (3 months before she passed) and begged to play - so she came in for me for a few minutes.  She probably shouldn't have done that either.

Melissa had bad days too...and she posted about them occasionally.  Just like I did on Mother's Day.
I AM struggling.  I don't have my daughter any more.  My ONLY daughter.  My best friend.  I am ALLOWED to grieve.  And I thought it would be ok to say that.  On Mother's Day.

I am touched that you are concerned.  But let me give YOU some advice.  If you want to help someone, don't do it anonymously.  Send a letter.  AND SIGN IT.  Or call.  I really did need someone to talk to that week.  Even NOW.   What you said in your letter was insensitive and hurtful.  A phone call of "Are you ok?"  would have been so much better.

I don't even want to know who you are.

Letter

Life is Good.

The 5K for Melissa was awesome.  We had over 130 people attend this year.  We will be talking to the new coach tomorrow to talk about next year.

We gave 3 $1000 scholarships again this year - all deserving candidates.

Got to go to the finals of the NCAA Women's basketball tournament and see the three GREATEST games ever.

I got to babysit an adorable 6 week old baby for 6 weeks.  And fell in love...and Kathryn Westbeld came to my house with her mom to visit the baby.  We had a famous person in our house!

We spent this past weekend with our good friends Mange and Mary from Portsmouth and did a 5K in memory of Sam Pearson (who was killed in Baghdad), the son of our good friends Randi and Carolyn, took our grandsons Andrew and Max who had a great time at the picnic afterward swimming and playing with the other kids.  And we'll have the kids two days a week this summer.  Even spending a week with Nick and his family in July for vacation.

And my dad is home.  I am thankful for that.

Donny is retired and getting a lot of things done around the house. And I'm TRYING to help.

Evidently, I was a little too honest in my last two posts.  I deleted them.
For some reason I am having an unusually difficult time right now.

I am so thankful for friends that care...my cousin Sue from California called to check in (didn't ask anything, just call to see how I was doing) and a friend of Melissa's from OU sent a note and something that Melissa had made for her in college (I'll be making a color copy and sending it back Annie...it was for YOU!) Exactly what I needed. (of course Donny is ALWAYS here. He always gives me something to laugh about)

I also received an anonymous letter.  Not so helpful.  I wish whoever you are you would have called.  I really needed someone to talk too.  Might have turned things around.

In the future, no more honesty here.  Just happy stuff and funny stories.

Have a great summer!