Grief is....

this subject never gets old for me.

Just when I think I am "making" it, I have a setback.  Usually I can figure out what "triggers" it.  Right now, it's my birthday.  Tomorrow.  Last birthday with Melissa, we went shopping.  Me, Melissa and Mere.  Kohls.  She wasn't feeling good THEN.  She would sit down every couple of minutes, out of breath.  In August.  I was looking at jewelry and saw a ring (costume jewelry of course!) that looked like an engagement ring.  She asked me if I liked it.  I said yes, so she said "I'll buy it for your for your birthday, but you know we'll be engaged".    And I have worn it ever since.  My last birthday gift from her.

I haven't been able to sleep lately.  Actually, I cry myself to sleep...usually 3 am before I finally drift off.  You see, the grieving process is NEVER ending.  Especially when you lose a child.  So when I was reading the Compassionate Friends page yesterday and I came across GRIEF IS...  I had to share it.  It really explains not just what I am going through, but what a lot of bereaved parents are going through.  As always, it's one day at a time (some days one MOMENT at a time...)

***

Grief is:Swollen eyes,confusing,feeling of no connection to anything,good times can make you feel guilty,isolated,ashamed,migraines,no energy,loss of interest,feeling fear constantly,racing thoughts,an internal sadness,desperation,overwhelming fear that you will lose another,feeling of all your dreams are over,a feeling of I should not feel good or have any pleasure since my loved one can’t, happy one minute in complete desperation the next,a desire to die to be reunited with our loved ones.So when you ask me how I feel? I am unable to tell you all this…..Its hard to describe something when you are full of all this.So,I thought I would write you to let you know,it’s not you.I’m just grieving.Thanks for all you’re support.Please give me some time, how long I’m not sure.My heart is broken and my life is upside down.I hope you can understand,if not,that makes me sad.I have already lost enough,I don’t want to lose you…..

Angie Cartwright.

***
While I have been struggling to get through the last few days...Andrew and Max have been keeping me PLENTY busy on Mondays and Tuesdays.  Yesterday I went to their house first thing in the morning.  They played in their new sandbox, rode their new bikes, played some hoops on their new basketball hoop and a little t-ball on their new t-ball set, then met PopPop for lunch at McDonalds.  Today we went to the Air Force Museum, visited all three hangers and had a picnic lunch outside the museum.  They were both sound asleep when we got home.    The good thing is, I have lots of fun things planned for Mondays and Tuesdays.  Like Field Trips with Pamma, every time we're together.  Fun for all of us.  

And of course, I will close with photos of Andrew & Max.  Fort wouldn't have it any other way...

                                 Max with his new T-ball stuff...

 Max and GG (Great Grandma Fortener) and his new Thomas blanket (made by GG)

                              Drew with HIS blanket from GG

                                       New bikes

                            The BIRTHDAY BOY...Maxwell Irvin "3"

                                       New sandbox....

                        Lunch at McDonald's with PopPop and Pamma

                          Max with the astronaut @ AF Museum

                                                    Pilot

                                                Co-pilot

                                            ....WORN OUT!

...with new book on "Airplanes" FIRMLY in his hands! 


~~~~If you haven't been there, and you are ever in Dayton, be sure to visit the Air Force Museum...it is one of the very few FREE museums you can see.  Definitely worth your time. 

Have a good one...